four's a crowd

Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn't go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

1. Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that... we don't really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay.... but as far as being intimate with another... I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple... this is sharing... and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
2. Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others... no pictures.. not in the same room... not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand... I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that's just me. We are a couple... and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
3. Past experience.... I've been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories... still taint my mouth. In fact... I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else's.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn't keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he's not in it all the way... then I'd rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is.... really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!

here's to the class of...

At what point did I stop being a kid.... and make the transition into adulthood?

Big changes are going on in my family... namely, my niece graduates on Saturday. It makes me wonder if she is scared... having to survive on your own can tend to be very scary. Or at least, one would think.

He move to adulthood got me to thinking.... when exactly did I make that leap? I honestly cannot remember it. I mean, I can remember being a kid... and then it's like all of a sudden, I'm grown up. Is that how it happens?

You're going along... wishing to grow up... and like a flash of lightening.. you're wishes are reality. The last true memories I have... that was me feeling like a kid was the summer I was sixteen. My first real job... one that I wasn't helping my mother... the sense of freedom you can only feel as a teenager in the summer.

I would be gone from home for days. My best friend and I would spend out hours in her car... windows down... just driving. The only care in the world we had was where to go to next... and if we had enough time to go down to the beach on the hot summer afternoons.

I think that is the last time I truly felt like the weight of the world was not on my shoulders. My life changed that summer... looking back I can see it now. At the time, however, I did not feel it. I guess being a grown up is just something you do.. even if you don't feel it right away.

Even so.. I miss the carefree days sometimes. I miss not having to think about bills or get up for work. Just to be able to live a day... where the biggest worry you have... is if the ice cream truck is going to come by the house or not.

I wonder if she knows what's ahead of her?

four weeks

We watched Seven Pounds with Will Smith in it last night. I have to say, this is one of the saddest movies I have seen in a very long time. The premise of the movie was different... but definitely something different.

In the movie, Will Smith meets a woman who is terminally ill. She has chronic heart failure and is given four to six weeks to live.

After we watched it (and I cried.. hard)... we headed to bed. The wheels in my head started to turn. What if I was told I only had four weeks to live? What would I do? How would I live the last thirty days of my life?

I mulled over things in my head... and found myself over come with emotion at this. All the things I would miss... birthdays.. weddings.. holidays.... what to pick and choose... what is most important... ran around inside my skull.. doing a little tap dance on my heart.

So here's what I came up with.. in no particular order.

write letters to my girls for special occasions... milestone birthdays.. wedding days.. graduations
write good bye letters to all that I hold dear
spend an afternoon with each of the girls just one at a time.. doing whatever they wanted
go do a complete spa treatment
spend a full day in bed with Ben... having sex.. laughing.. cuddling.. and Im sure crying
go to the coast.. see the ocean one last time
have a full family bbq
watch the sunset
stay up all night and watch the sunrise
quit my job
get a family portrait done
eat at my favorite restaurant
doing a weekend in Vegas.. renew our vows
throw a birthday party for the girls
take a long hot bath with candles.. the radio... and Ben
go for a drive in the mountains
visit one place I've never seen before.. like Vancouver, BC
spend one whole day watching movies
spend one whole day outside... soaking up the sun
sleep till noon one day and not feel guilty about it


When all is said and done... it really amazes me just what things I love to do.. did not make the list. The simple things are the things that are most important... but in the same thought.. they aren't so simple. I hope upon hopes that I never am faced with that knowledge... that my days are numbered. It would be the single most scary thing I've ever endured.

I want a life filled with lots of years ahead of me... filled with my family... and my friends. I want to grow old next to my husband and watch my children grow... and have children of their own. My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced something like that... it is terribly heart breaking.. no words do it justice.

And there we have it ladies and gents...

So its very strange to me that after Sylvanus asked his question... that I get my answers... weird how that works.

Back in December... I had someone contact me from my past. After months of not hearing anything again, he messaged me back. Apparently he is married now and getting... unmarried (his word.. not mine). So I ask... what in the world was he sorry for? I mean.. people drift apart.. he owed me anything. I mean.. it was very sad it happened.. but its not like my world ended.. or that I was heartbroken for months or even years to come.

This is what I got back:

Married and working on becoming unmarried. I am sorry because of the emotional conflicts I was dealing with that I didn't fully disclose to you during the time we related. You made a difference in my life when I needed it, and I don't feel I returned your friendship properly. Six years in one paragraph. After we parted ways, I discovered I was eligible for a training program, and returned to college to finish up a degree in accounting. I married a woman who was a former coworker at Boeing, and who was laid off right about the time that I was. We spent the last 6 years together, and she went back to work at Boeing. She took a temporary job in Arizona, and while we were separated, we kind of well, separated. How bout you?

Ok... so great.. he apologized for misleading me? The thing is... why after all this time? What does it matter? Maybe to clear his conscience? Part of me wonders that he kind of hoped that we could see each other again.. which of course will no happen.

AND part of me wonders at the time he was holding back from me... because I was completely upfront with him about my life situation. Perhaps that's why he apologized... knowing that he wasn't up front with me. Either way.. it's nice to hear from him. It is too bad that his life did not go as well as mine has... all people to should get their chance at happiness in my opinion.

So there ya have it... a conclusion to the mystery.

how do you forgive and forget?

Throughout my young life... I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design... but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past.... people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there's that saying... it's easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem... I'm having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don't think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school... first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated... and I'm not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn't find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me.... this was just in a long line of wrongings... and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see... this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It's funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been "friends" for so long... been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I've never been able to forgive her.... she still emails me from time to time. I'm not sure what she expects... if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can't do that... every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do... and so I won't.

However, there is a part of me that says... its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I've toyed with the idea of emailing her... and forgiving her... to let it go... for me. The thing is.. I don't want to forgive her.. I don't want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that... out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable... it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic... but I assure you... its not.

One of them is an ex... my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time... we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship... he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave... my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out... events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell... in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won't retell it. But.. I will tell... the third person plays into this story as well...

The good news is... out of all of this... I have learned many things... and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One's that I trust and love... which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive... I just don't have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I'm sure.... one I have to live with. I just wish I could.

How the kinky met the.... not so kinky

First off... Happy 2009... a fresh start and so forth. It feels like just another day to me... but... yeah. I hope everyone is feeling well on this rainy New Year's Day... I know Ben... is not.

So last night we had a poker party as stated in my previous post. Everyone filed in shortly after 8... booze in tow... and few donned my party attire... but the ones who did were to coolest kids in the house (hehe... I, of course, was one of the few).

We had a mixed bunch last night... a handful of our kinky friends, some of Ben's work buddies (non judgemental ones), and my sister and brother-in-law. My sister is kind of a prude.. she can be fun sometimes... but other times... she is the type of person who if its not something she's into... then its gross or wrong.

Very early on in the night it came out that I swallow.. she thought this was gross. The way I see it... if your man is willing to go down on YOU then how is it any different.... poor brother-in-law. But whatever... if that's how she wants to be... sexually closed off... that is her problem and she is the one missing out on lots of fun times.

The drinks poured and lots of poker was played. It was a really fun night.. filled with laughter.. (and some snorting... heh...). One of our chairs fell apart on someone... which was funny as hell. Apparently I was fondled while my eyes were covered.... and yes.. there's a picture to prove it. Ben got totally wasted... poor thing.. I've seen him drunk... but never seen him get sick. Last night was a first for that. I hate that I couldn't do anything for him- but that was after everyone went home.

At some point in the night.... we were throwing around streamers... and Ben wrapped some around my throat from behind and pulled. My sister was like "looks like he's into bondage tonight"... which is shocking coming from her.. she was totally cool last night. That was awesome. BUT all our kinky friends were over on their part of the table giggling their asses off at that one... if she only knew.

We did watch the ball drop... and had champaign.. which I hate.. but took a sip of. All in all it was one hell of a fun night. It went off without any issues.. and I'm so thankful for that. You just never know what will happen when you get a group of different types of people together. They just all proved to me what great people they all are... and why we have them in our lives.

So, good bye to 2008... and hello 2009... I hope that this year is just as good as the last... if not better. I look forward to many fun.... touching... and erotic moments... and wish you all the same!

time for something new....

Happy New Year to everyone!! I hope that this New Year's Eve is the best one so far... full of fun times and good memories. Make sure to drive safe (for those of you who are the DD) and be careful!

We'll be bringing in 2009 playing poker and drinking with our friends... hopefully I'll have good stories to tell!!

So here's a toast to all my readers! Cheers!

blast from the past

So today I checked an old account of mine... which I do periodically. There was an IM from someone I used to know that was left nine days ago. It said:

"Hey, don't know if you still check this account but if you do I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I hope everything is going good for you. Chris".

I sat there kinda surprised for a moment... I had not heard from this guy in.. oh... six years. Not to mention that I have no idea what he has to be sorry for? AND has he been thinking about this said thing that he should be sorry for over that many years? Honestly, I'm at a loss.

I met Chris through friends in college. I was having troubles with my ex... around then. In the process of our friendship growing... my relationship ended but would later end up reuniting.. (which of course you know by now was a bad idea).

Essentially Chris became a rebound... even if I did like him. We spent time together and of course had sex a handful of times. Nothing really came of it.... perhaps that is what he is sorry for.. who knows.

At some point my weak ass ended up having sex with the ex again.. and hence became knocked up. And before you get any ideas.. yes.. my ex is my daughter's father. I know this with every inch of my being.

From that point Chris and I kind of went our separate ways.... BEFORE I knew I was pregnant. I thought about him off an on for a bit... but soon his memory faded into oblivion till... today. So here I sit. Wondering. I'm not sure what his motivations are after so many years have passed... it seems very odd to me. I know that I would not contact someone out of the blue like that even if I felt I should have done things differently. Chances are.... that would change nothing... or, like me, they would have no idea what was going on. (LOL).

So who knows if I'll ever find out.... I mean... I'd like to know... but I'm not going to lose sleep over it by any means. I guess life is kind of random sometimes.

moving on

Today has been a bit emotional for me. My friend put his two week notice in... and today was his last day. Now, we do hang out... outside of work.... but I mainly see him at work. I spend most of my free time with the family. I got him some flowers, balloon, and a card... I wanted to remind him of how much I love him. Because I do. He is one of my closest friends.

He loved the flowers. He's just like that.. he appreciates things like that.... no matter how small or big the gesture is. I was in the freezer when he was leaving. He came up and said he was going. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him for a while. I breathed slowly.. afraid that I might cry. I could tell he was doing the same.

After we hugged I told him how much I was going to miss him... and that I loved him. AND that he better come visit and for us to still hang out... text me... etc. We hugged again... he thanked me for the flowers for a second time... and left.

It was bittersweet to say the least. It's not like he's leaving the area... I will still see him... but I can't help but feel sad. With that said, I am happy for him.. that he got out of that place.. that he's doing what makes him happy. That's important.

You see... I have this thing about friends. Growing up I never was very popular. I had friends, yes... but sometimes I wonder if I really did. Like wonder if they were true friends. A lot of these people proved there weren't... and the others just simply moved on. We all do that. I only have one person I still call friend from when I was a child.

I lost a lot of them in high school and came to the realization that I'd rather have a handful of true friends than a large group of them. Ones I could trust and I know that would have my back if I never needed that.

It seems that circle of people grow smaller everyday. It hurts my soul to think of the people I've cared for.... for the things that have happened... the pain I've endured. I wonder sometimes if I caused their betrayals.... their finality to our relationship.

It almost makes me just want to stay in the safe haven of my family.. where I know I'm loved... never risking the chance of having my heart hurt from someone who claims they are my friend, when in the end I'm just a warm body filling a place.

So yeah... bittersweet to lose him. I miss him already.

writers block

I know it's been several days since I've written anything... but there is a valid reason. I just don't know what to write about. There has not really been anything exceptional going on lately that's fun to read about. Trust me, I've wanted to write... and I will sit and think about it... wonder what to write about... some topic that I can get on my soapbox about and yet, nothing comes.

So I figured I'd write about nothing.

The weekend is fast and approaching thank goodness. We are having a poker party this weekend. I can't wait. Our poker parties are always so much fun. We drink, play cards, and eat nachos. I mean- what could be better than that?

I remember ( I think the first or second one we had- we have them usually about every month.. but haven't since May) this one poker party we had. I believe it was last October.... I had borrowed a big Gatorade cooler and made jungle juice. It had tons of alcohol in it... rum, vodka, sangria... and I think some other stuff.

Needless to say... I had to thin it up with some Sprite. I added a bottle of that I think... when all was said and done... it still ended up being 90% alcohol... 8% fruit.. and 2% Sprite. A deadly combination.

I had one cup before they got here... and I was feeling good after half the glass. I tried to convince Ben to have a quicky before they showed up... but no dice. I, of course, was disappointed.

I finished it off when his friends showed up... mine showed up shortly after. My friends and I stood in the driveway eating and drinking. I had a second glass... I guess I was talking really loud when this went down (hehe).

Soon we migrated inside and I was all sorts of torn up. The room was spinning.. and I felt really... out of it. Shortly after that.. I felt like I was going to be sick and crawled to the bathroom because walking at this point was not an option.

I spent the remainder of the evening in the bathroom not knowing how much time was passing. Ben would come and check on me periodically and see if I needed anything. At some point I went to bed.

About two hours elapsed between the first drink to me getting sick.. crazy huh? SO yeah.. I've never done that again.. and never will. This poker party won't be a repeat of that night... I actually PLAY poker now lol.

Anyways.. looks like I found something to write about.. yay! I guess all it takes is just writing sometimes.

Hopefully I'll have something a bit more sex crazed to write next time hehe.

getting 2 new toys!!

Sooo a friend of mine, whom also is an ex, makes leather toys. Any type of adult toy you can think of that is made or can be made of leather, he makes. He's told me about them many times before but I guess I never thought about actually getting him to make us something. He finally asked me if I was ever going to buy anything from him lol. And so.. we decided now is just as good of a time as any.

He showed us through cam the things he has and what he thought I would like. He showed me quite a few floggers.. which I've never experienced before. We finally decided on two... one with blue suede and one with red leather. He finished them up last night and showed me today... I'm so excited. He did a great job. I can't wait for Ben to try those babies out on me hehe.

We should have them by next weekend... so here's to hoping that I have a great weekend ahead of me then! It will be a new experience for the both of us for sure. One I'm sure we will both enjoy.

Though, come to think of it... the story of my friend is an interesting on.... so I think I will share.

Ryan and I met when I was 18. We dated for a very short time... like maybe two months. I liked him, but knew that I wasn't into him the way I should be. He's a good down home type guy... a self proclaimed redneck. Just not my type really. I did like spending time with him though... I knew we made better friends pretty much from the get go. But, we tried.

Little did I know that he was very much in love with me... and planning to propose to me. He was busy saving up money to buy the "the ring I deserved" and getting a place so we could live together. This was all done without my knowing. I broke up with him before he could tell me or ask me anything and then shortly after starting dating someone else whom I would spend almost five miserable years with.

We remained friends.... and I still was pretty in the dark about how heartbroken I left him. He did tell me several months after we broke up all the stuff that he had planned. I felt bad and relieved at the same time... I would have never wanted to tell him no... even though I would have.

So several years passed.. we still talked off and on. He decided to drop a bomb on me... something I had never heard of... and it would take me years to really wrap my brain around and truly understand. He told me that he was part of the lifestyle.. that he was a Dom. I thought I understood somewhat but asked a lot of stuff... trying to really grasp it... I never did... not until here recently.

Not too long after that (I think I was 21 or very close to it) we were talking online. I asked him if he noticed that we weren't as close as we used to be. He freaked out on me... telling me that I wasn't the center of the world... that I was but that I wasn't anymore. He ripped me a new asshole so to speak and then went silent.

For three years I didn't hear a word from him. At first I was really hurt, but figured I deserved it after ripping his heart out. I came to peace with it and moved on. If he didn't want to be part of my life.. then so be it. That is his choice.

Out of the blue in 2006 he messages me online. I was floored. After all that time, he decided he could talk to me again. It took him all that time to get over me he told me... but that he was now and that we could once more be friends. It was really nice to be able to talk with him again. From then.. we have stayed in contact... talking every several weeks or so.

He is married now. His wife is his slave... and he has a girlfriend. They are poly... or should I say HE is poly? I'm not sure how that works. All I know is... I could never share. He keeps asking me to come play with him.. and of course I laugh and tell him that he knows I can't. Besides, I think even if I were single.. I wouldn't because he is WAY more hardcore than me. I think he would beat my ass into the ground lol.

So that's the story of Ryan. I think perhaps it is a bit odd that my ex is making toys for us... but hey, I guess there are odder things in this world, right?

Happy 4th of July!

Ah it seems this year is passing so quickly and we find ourselves at the 4th of July once more. I've always loved this holiday.. for that it stands for... and for the times spent with family and friends.

Every year we gather together and eat and drink.... laugh and play... and it's nice. It's not because we never do it any other time, because we do, it is just nice to know that our country... one that we love very much brings us together as a family... in every sense of that word.

Today I have to work (buttttt I am making double time and a half so I can't complain too much) but after I'm heading over to my sisters for a bbq and swimming (if the weather permits). It should be fun for sure. I'm hoping to get a few tasty beverages down as well. Then tonight of course it will be at the lake for fireworks.

We have an awesome festitival in town every year at the center of town... the lake. Its called Go 4th. They have booths that you can grab some food... buy stuff.. and things to keep the kids entertained. Each day they have events that I never seem to see because I am always busy working. It's a really awesome thing though.

The whole town comes and puts out blankets so that everyone is litering the lawn. The fireworks show usually lasts twenty minutes accompanied with music that always seems to make me tear up. I feel very proud to be part of this country.. and of all those who have given their lives to protect our rights.

So with that... I better get going.. I hope all of you have a wonderful and safe 4th of July!

hmmm

Men.. I tell ya.. they just don't understand sometimes. Ben had went out to get us breakfast. I was reading all my blogs that I frequent when my phone rang.. it was him. I hustled to get it scraping my leg in the process (which didn't make me very happy to begin with). I answered and he told me that his friend, Larry, was coming over to play on the WII.

Yesterday we had went to my sister's for a bbq and swimming. He had a bit to drink, no biggy, but had told me that Larry might come over... I said fine.. lets pick the house up. It wasn't nasty by any means.. just needed to be picked up.. do the few dishes that were in the sink. He didn't feel like it... he was tired and that was cool. I figured we'd have time pick up in the morning.

Back to this morning, we hadn't been up long.. so we had not done anything with the house. I, of course, was annoyed. I had fifteen minutes to make it look presentable. I vacuumed and picked up some stray stuff.. just in time to change clothes and for Ben to get back with breakfast.

He apologized.. and I told him how irritated I was.. that he could have asked Larry to come over in a hour... so we could pick up and eat breakfast. So here I sit... starving cause its just plain rude to eat in front of others. I can SMELL it... and it only makes me that much more upset.

I just don't understand why men don't always get it. I don't see why asking him to come over in a hour would have been so hard or even rude in the least bit. And lets not forget.. my leg hurts. Blah.

wow.

Has it really been almost a month since my last post!? It sure doesn't seem like it. So much has been going on. May is such a busy month for my family with birthdays and get togethers. AND lets not forget about all the stress that was ever so apparent lately.

The good news is... its all over- for now. Onto busy times at work... and hopefully more peaceful, relaxing times at home. We shall see what June holds in store for us. We are working on planning our summer vacation... and its been a nightmare trying to really pin down something to do that pans out for us. I hope that soon this all works out... cause honestly, I need a vacation!

Anyway, onto other things. A couple of days ago I was IM'ing with an old, old friend from where I lived all my childhood. He and I know just about everything about each other. He came to me for advice about asking his now wife to marry him. I was honored.

So I would totally say I trust this guy... with secrets I have... or could I?

Back in the day when we met I was with my ex, but would have easily dumped him for Beau. I wouldn't have given it a second thought. This, however, did not happened and we remained friends that flirted. Nothing ever happened between the two of us.

Somehow we got onto the conversation where I told him that he probably couldn't handle me anymore. I am a million times more sexual than I was then. I have never told him about my thirst for BDSM.

For whatever reason, that day I thought it a good idea. I had put my foot in my mouth and there was no way he was going to let me off without telling him. It took a little- scratch that-a lot of courage but I finally spilled my guts.

I told him of my liking of being dominated... my love for all the stuff that the world deems kinky. He just said cool. I was kind of taken aback about it.. and questioned that answer. He said it was cool that I knew what I liked and that I lived what I wanted. I felt like I had made a good choice telling him. In the next few minutes that would change... drastically.

He asked me if we talked dirty and all... I said yes.. and mentioned my blog without actually giving him the link. I copy and pasted a tame part of one of my posts. He laughed and said, "what are you now? A romance writer?". I was so taken back by that comment. It cut deep and hurt very much.

This person I call my friend thought it was funny that I blogged about my life. I called him out on it... he said he didn't mean to hurt me.. it was not his intention, but nevertheless, I was still hurt. I just wanted to crawl under a rock.

It is hard for me to share this part of my life with people I am close to. Now it will be even harder now that I've open myself up only be hurt in the process. I realize this is the risk I take telling someone... many people don't understand why I would want to do this and so on.

I guess the real lesson I learned.. be my picky about who I share my deepest desires with- not everyone will accept you for who you are wholeheartedly.

what a night

So last Saturday night was rather interesting to say the least. Ben had to work on Sunday, which is usually one of our days off together, and we'd have to go to bed early on Saturday so he could get up on time for work. I really didn't want to do this... and the girls had invited me to go clubbing with them. I wanted to do that and Ben told me to go and have fun.

We had plans to leave a little early cause we had free passes and didn't want to get passed the free admission time.... but surprise... we didn't. My friends Dionna and Angela are notorious for being late. Turns out there we eight of us going, which included me, so we took two cars.

Once we got there... Angela was already hammered. We headed to the club (the Vault) and got in fairly quickly. Not many people were there but we made a beeline to the bar. We weren't leaving for at least three hours so I knew it would be safe to have just one drink (and I did.. I'm a good girl).

After we all got our drinks we stood around just bullshitting. Angela was being goofy like always and she was dancing backwards out onto the empty floor. She didn't care.. she was that far gone. Jared said he wanted to go to Jake's, another club around the corner. I couldn't have agreed more.. it was pretty dead.

So we all headed to Jake's... Jared ended up paying for half the people to get in and told them if he did they had to stay for a while. Everyone was down for that. Once inside we all headed to the dance floor.

We weren't there twenty minutes when Dionna and her friend, Rose, decided they wanted to go back to the Vault. Somewhere along the line, we ran into Ben (see a few posts back). Ben offered to buy Angela a drink.. even though she certainly didn't need another one. Personally I think he was trying to fuck her... but that is just my thought.

Dionna started getting upset with Angela... I broke in between them to cool the situation. I told Dionna I'd take care of her and for them to just go ahead and go back to the other club. I gave Angela a glass of water, made her drink it, and pulled her ass back out on the floor to dance.

Soon Angela decided she needed to go to the bathroom and said she'd be back. Fifteen minutes passed and I was starting to wonder where she was. I asked Jared's friends and him if they had seen her... which they hadn't. Jared and I decided that we'd go look for her if she wasn't back by the end of the song.

Sure enough, she wasn't so we headed to the bathroom. No Angela. His friends and I looked through the club and went outside. No Angela. Jared and I went back inside... I sent him into the men's bathroom just in case she was just that drunk. No Angela. We swept the club..again then back outside. No Angela.

We decided to go over to the Vault just in case... left his friends outside Jake's. Just as we turned the corner.. off by the Vault was Angela bebopping down the side walk. I yelled out to her... asked her what she was doing.. and told her never to do that again... I was sooo worried. I thought something bad had happened. This is where she says she went looking for Dionna but couldn't find her.

So into the Vault we go. No Dionna or Rose. We go back to Jakes... they are not there either... and now we've managed to loose Jared's friends. Ugh. Angela in tow we go back to the Vault... up the stairs... we finally run into two of his friends, Robert and Sierra (wild huh?). Angela takes them downstairs to go dance.

Jared and I continue on our hunt for our drunken friends. Down the stairs we go... when lo and behold.. there is Dionna and April. I'm irritated by now and just want to go home. I felt like we were babysitting. Finally we all managed to be on the dance floor but were missing Robert. Jared texts him... he's at Jake's.

So the world is right again... I go outside and sit down.. it is like 1 am. After a few minutes of a breather I go back in.. dance a little bit but am not having much fun. Jared and I decide we want to go home... so we start rounding everyone up.... or so we think. By 1:30 we head outside... just the two of us.. thinking they are following us.

We soon find out they are not.. and we sit outside freezing our asses off waiting for them because we cannot go back in now. Around 1:45 Robert comes rolling up talking about how he just had the best conversation with some guy and his girlfriend. So here we are... waiting.... freezing.

Finally the girls come rolling out. Dionna, Angela, and Rose are all falling over each other. Angela and Rose decide to take their shoes off... I hurry them along... eager to get home by then. They decide they want a hot dog outside of Jake's.

This is where I took Jared's friends and piled them in my car leaving Jared with Angela, Dionna, and Rose. We four get in my car and start our hour drive home. I call Jared a few times but get no answer... thinking they just must have the music loud and don't worry.

I'm about 20 miles out of town when my phone rings.. its Jared.

"Hey Jare Bear... how's everything- oh you're IPOD is in my glove box, right?"

"Yeah it is... but we have a problem- you might need to come back"

"What?", I said as I pulled the car off the road.

"The girls got into a fight and now Dionna won't let Angela in the car."

I sigh... get a little bit of the story and ask for Dionna to be put on the phone.

"Hey Dionna... you need to get in the car.. Jared is going to drive you guys home"

The response I get is somewhat calm but soon turns to her bashing Angela. I'm getting more and more upset saying that we are all going home tonight and she needs to just get in the car. By the end Im screaming for her to "get in the fucking car" then tell her to give the phone back to Jared.

I tell him that I don't care what happens... get them in the car.. we're going home. In th background I can hear Angela screaming and tell him to let me talk to her. Again I'm calm at first but become pretty agitated quickly... telling her to get in the car. She says she would but Dionna won't let her.

By now I'm pissed and tell her to give the phone back to Jared.

"I'm coming back and you tell those fuckers I'm pissed cause this is bullshit."

I end the call. There is no exits near to turn around so instead I use one of this turn arounds that is illegal for people to use. I didn't care... I was pissed... I was tired.. and I wanted to go home.

Half way back Jared and I are on the phone again... nothing has changed... told him I'd be there in ten minutes.

I just pull off the exit... going around the curves quickly with two passed out drunk people in my backseat when my phone rings. It's Jared- they've got into the car. By then I had had it. I told him to stay there because I had not just drove back twenty miles just to turn around again.

I pull up shortly after.. get out of the car... slam the door. I go up to a quiet SUV and begin to lay into them.

"This is bullshit... why did I have to come back and deal with this? I've babysat all night and all I want to do is go home".

Angela has her arms crossed staring out the window.. Dionna is doing the same. This is where Dionna lays into Angela again.. I scream that I dont care what happened.

"Jared give me my keys and get out" Dionna said

"NO! We're all going home tonight.. Jared is driving you guys home" I screamed.

"I'm just going to sleep here", she said back.

I start to freak out again... that we are ALL going home and Jared is driving. Then I snatch open Angela's door realizing that Jared would not have a peaceful drive home.

"Get out of the car! You're going with me... GET OUT OF THE CAR!".

By then I'm freaking out and Angela is franticly trying to get out. Once securely in my car.. we all leave. Angela rants for like twenty minutes before she passes out.

The story as I get it now is this. Jared wanted a hot dog... but didn't have any money left. Rose and Dionna were going to eat their hot dog in front of him and not give theirs up or buy him one. Angela called them out on it.. saying it was bullshit because Jared had babysat them all night and was being their designated driver.

Apparently this is where all hell broke loose and I was called.

Through the drive home.. Jared and I called each other to check in. We were like ten minutes away from home when I get a call from him (its almost 4 am by now).

Dionna's car ran out of gas this time. Seriously... if anything else could go wrong.

I sigh.. turn around... AGAIN. Go get gas and a gas can to get them off the side of the road. $17 later I'm helping put the gas in the car so we can all just go home.

I dropped Jared's friends off at his house... went and picked up Jared and Rose from Dionna's house then dropped them off. By the time I made it home it was a little after 4:30 am. I climbed into bed and wished I had just stayed home that night.

Seriously it was a night from hell... I've decided never to be a DD for them ever again.. or if I do... to not babysit... but that is unlikely. I cannot explain how happy I was to be in bed next to Ben when I got home... it was a great feeling.

I danced my ass off... has anyone seen it?

Saturday night some friends and I went out dancing. I haven't been clubbing in years.. literally. Not since 2001. It's something I've wanted to do again for a while but never really had anyone who enjoyed that to go with. Ben does not like to dance... which bums me out. But, you take a person for who they are... and so I just accept that fact.

He was supposed to go with us but in the end he texted me and told me he really didn't want to go. A friend of his was going to go as well to keep him busy while we danced, but he ended up with too much to do so he wasn't able to go. Ben didn't want me to be mad at him... and I wasn't... I was just bummed out that we weren't going to be spending the evening together.

I got all made up trying hard not to be sad. When he got home, we'd only have fifteen minutes together before I had to meet up with my friends. He walked in and the look on his face made me feel amazing. He told me how sexy I looked... and hugged me tight.

We chatted for a bit and then I headed off. We all were supposed to leave at 8:30... but ended up not making it out of town till closer to 10. My friends are always late like this.. which drives me nuts because Im always on time, if not early.

The weather was nothing less than shitty. This was kind of surprising because it was clear in town and then for ten miles up the interstate. All of the sudden the roads got slushy and I saw tons of break lights up ahead. I sighed... someone from the back seat said we should probably go back... knowing what I know now, I wish I had put this particular person (Rose) out on the side of the road and kept going (hehe).

I decided to keep going in hopes that it would clear up and not get worse. Throughout the whole one hour drive we had spats of rain, snow, and then clear skies. It was kind of strange. When it did snow.. I had to drive slow because of the angle it was coming down.... which made it difficult to see.

I trudged on and by the time we made it to the city we going to... it was clear skies... just really cold. We drank some in the car... I had like half a drink and decided I really didn't want to drink after all. The rest of them chugged down their drinks and we climbed out to walk the two blocks to get to the club. We left our coats cause it would be warm inside... but paid for it all the way there. I clung to my friend Jared to keep warm.. he's such a sweetheart.

We walked up and started paying to get in when some random guy recognized my friend Angela. She and I stood there talking to him... he was obviously drunk already. (Perhaps this is where I should say this is a gay club... which are way more fun than regular clubs because its about having fun and dancing.. not the hook up. The only gay person in our group was Jared). This guy (funny enough his name was Ben lol) was hitting on Angela and I.. which was kinda weird but whatever. He kept like touching us... it made me feel kind of uncomfortable.

He told Angela she was cute.. then looked at me and said I was too. I said thanks but that I was married... showed him my ring. He seemed to think that was a bad thing for me... but assured him I was happy. He said I had this bad girl look that was trying to be good.... whatever that is supposed to mean. They exchanged phone numbers and we made our way to the dance floor.

All five of us danced pretty hard... I could feel the burn in my legs. I was for sure that Id pay for it the next day but surprisingly didn't. Rose and Dionna broke off first and went to get drinks. They returned shortly... we were still dancing. At some point someone bumped into Rose and spilled some of her drink on her hand... she got all pissy about it. I'm not sure what she was expecting... I mean, hello honey, its a crowded DANCE floor. She was a stick in the mud most of the night.

Jared and Angela ran into this "hot" guy that they would stalk for the rest of the night between being on and off the dance floor. They had met the last time they went clubbing. Supposedly he was gay and had a boyfriend. Over the course of the night we began to question this as he was making his rounds around the room kissing random girls, not guys. Towards the very end, he was making out with this VERY unattractive chick. It was gross to be honest.. not because of the whole thing.. but because of how many girls he had kissed that night.

Angela overheard this guy and his friend talking as closing time came saying something about him not being able to close the deal. Our only thoughts is that he's not gay and that he was just trying to pick unsuspecting drunk girls up. Loser.

We made our way out.. surprised it was already closing time.... time sure does pass when you're having fun. Dionna and Rose wanted hot dogs from the stand right outside so we stood around talking. Some random guy started talking to us... he had a hand held breathalysers.. obviously you drink too much if you need one of those. We had a whole interaction about this hehe.

So after they got their hot dogs we headed to the car and made our trek back home. We had a blast but I totally missed Ben and wished he had come. He might have been right- he might have been bored.. but then again.. maybe he wouldn't have. I guess we'll never know.

I called him when I got to the car cause he had texted me. He had told me he'd wait up for me... and even though it was two am.. he was indeed still awake. I told him I was about to head home and said I was going to rape him when I got there *evil grin*.

I can't wait to do this again... hopefully next time Ben will come.... I was horny with all that dancing then... I can only imagine if I were dancing with him watching.... yep.. :-)

loss

Yesterday one of my friends from work informed us that his mother passed away the night before. When he came in I could tell he was not his normal chipper self but I wouldn't have guessed his mom had died. He was holding it together so well. He told us that she was old, in her 80's, and he knew it was coming. It really surprised me how well he was doing... though, I'm sure appearances are deceiving.

Today we bought him a card and some coffee.... we couldn't really think of anything else to accompany the card. After we purchased it, we went to where he was and gave them to him. He seemed so thankful... it felt good to give him something to smile about.

However, in the same moment he was thanking us, he took a drink of his coffee... and burnt his mouth. Being the funny guy he is.. he of course made a joke about it and we all laughed. He proceeded to tell us a story about his mom when he was a child and sat his drink down. Unfortunately, he set it on the edge of something and it tipped... shooting the coffee at his groin.

We were way worried that he burned himself badly.... but in true form... he made another joke. After we were sure he was ok... it was quite funny. It looked like he had peed himself... and funny because this nice, thoughtful thing we were trying to do.... ended up being something painful for him. We got a good story to tell from it though.

I had later talked to him and asked him how he was doing and when he was heading down for the funeral. We chatted a bit... he told me he was going to speak at the service. He had been trying to think of things to say and said he was going write it down later today. I told him about when my father died and about my experience, hoping in some way he could see I understood what he was going through.

My father and I were never very close. When I became an adult we had a better relationship, but it still could not be described as a good relationship. Still, he was my father and I respected him for that.

I had moved away about a year before he passed away.... almost 3,000 miles away. I think that I took away the few things he had left to live for. See, my parents had me when they were older (mom was 35 and my dad I believe was 54). So by the time he died he was well into his 70's. I honestly am surprised he lived that long. He was a smoker till I was twelve and drank my whole life. He was such a drunk that in his late years, he lived in a nursing home and they would allow him two drinks a day because his body depended on it. It just simply could not go without the alcohol.

I think his alcoholism is part of the reason we had such a strained relationship, that and the fact that we're both very stubborn people. Needless to say... when my mother called and said he had died, all of this stuff did not matter. It did not matter all the horrible things he had done or said. He was my dad and he had just left this world. I cried, but not hard. This didn't surprise me either.

We had the memorial service a month later so that I wouldn't have to pay a large sum of money for a plane ticket because at the time I was in college. I flew back alone and stayed with my mom, which was not fun... yet this is another story... one I do not think I wish to tell.

Dad was cremated. His remains were on the shelf in the computer room... which was kind of creepy to me. Mom carried his ashes, I could not seem to bring myself to do this. We had the service at his nursing home.... and few people were there. This made me sad.. that his imprint on life was so small.

My brothers from my dad's previous marriage came. I had only met them maybe two times and had not seen them since I was eleven. Now I was a grown woman... living my own life. It was odd. It was like being around a parent... since there were that age. We had old pictures Dad from his Navy days and life before and after I was born. My brothers told me stories of what he was like when they were children.. that he was a preacher. I knew this... but it seemed so foreign to me. He was certainly not that man for me.... and part of me was very jealous of this fact.

I wondered what had happened between his divorce to their mom and marrying mine. What happened to him to take him down the road of drinking... apparently this information I will never know. It seems no one knows.

The preacher at the nursing home got up and spoke about my father. I sobbed... the grief hit me like a brick wall and I was taking it way harder than I thought. Apparently being there made it real... made it real that I would never again see my Dad.

I had said I wanted to speak.. and got up to do so. I cried so hard it was hard to get anything out... I was a wreck... and thinking back its kind of embarrassing.. but I'm sure no one thought poorly of me for it.

After the service, I said my good bye's to brothers.. knowing that I would most likely never see them again. We exchanged numbers... they told me to call if ever I needed anything. They did not seem like my brothers... they knew next to nothing about me. I have not seen them since... this was six years ago. I am at peace with this, though.

Its funny how funerals happen and they bring people together you'd not see otherwise. It is so sad to think that such a sad moment has to happen before relatives come together. I wish I had a relationship with my brothers.... I wish I had a better one with my parents... yet these things will not happen. Perhaps they aren't meant to happen. I guess I will never know.