Throughout my young life... I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design... but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past.... people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there's that saying... it's easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem... I'm having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don't think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.
One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school... first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated... and I'm not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.
I didn't find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me.... this was just in a long line of wrongings... and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.
Now see... this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It's funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been "friends" for so long... been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.
From that time.. I've never been able to forgive her.... she still emails me from time to time. I'm not sure what she expects... if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can't do that... every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do... and so I won't.
However, there is a part of me that says... its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I've toyed with the idea of emailing her... and forgiving her... to let it go... for me. The thing is.. I don't want to forgive her.. I don't want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.
The crazy thing about her is that... out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable... it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic... but I assure you... its not.
One of them is an ex... my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time... we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship... he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave... my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out... events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell... in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.
So.. I won't retell it. But.. I will tell... the third person plays into this story as well...
The good news is... out of all of this... I have learned many things... and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One's that I trust and love... which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive... I just don't have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I'm sure.... one I have to live with. I just wish I could.
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Firstly, thanks for all of your comments on our blog. I have added you to my reader because quite frankly, I need to be visiting and reading the people who are kind enough to do the same.
It is not strange that you feel more betrayed by her than him. She did mean more to you. Life time friendships are like sisterhoods. You would never expect a close friend to do such a thing. She should actually be on your side through everything.
I hear where you are coming from. You want to forgive because all this stuff is weighing you down, but you don't want that to be an open door. Do you need closure? Do you actually forgive her? I don't see any harm of telling her that you forgive her if that's how you feel and then just make it clear that you cannot welcome her back into your life. It's one way to get closure.
In any case, it is clear that she is poison. Be strong and just move on. You don't have to carry these feelings that weigh you down. Time will help heal that but I don't think it ever truly goes away. There are still things in my past that upset me or make me angry when I think about them, but I don't think about them continually.
xoxox mina
Mina..
First :-) Thanks for adding me to your reader... Im not nearly as entertaining as I'd like though lol.
As for the old friend... some of me thinks I should forgive her because I would feel better about it... but it isn't like this nagging feeling.. like something I just HAVE to do. Just something I thought about the other day ya know?
I should probably just let it go and move on... its probably not worth my time and effort.
I have had alot of experience in this field personally. There was a time when I was betrayed just like you and it devistated me. the questions of can you forgive and forget are really hard to answer. Im not sure of what the meaning of forgive is to you. Does that mean that you can look the person in the eye without a micro expression of disgust on your face as your talikng to them. Or does it mean that once forgiven you can include them into your life.
In my honest opinion its more of the Ok I forgive you and I wont seek retribution for it or look to seek revenge. As far as forgeting part.It takaes a few things. One of the most important aspects of being able to forgive and forget is the repetitive occcurences of the same thing wether it is from the same person/s or others.
Time also plays a huge part in it. it takes time to allow the anger to subside and the feelings of betrayal. Once those are lessened you tend to deviate from being defensive to a more relaxed state. Instead of looking over your shoulder you more looking at whats in front of you and whats ahead. when you get to that point its when forgiveness can be achieved. after that time once again comes into play. If you encounter the same or very similar experiences then it tends to play itself over again. Saying that , once enough time has gone by though and the same patterns arent evident then you begin to forget about it. It took me a few months to even a year to forgive my wife. I havent been able to forget because it happened again and im back to point zero trying to work through it all again. One of the most important things for forgiveness is also closure and the ability to be able to say waht you need the persons involved to hear. .... I know this was long winded but I hope my experiences in this topic helps shed some light..
"C" (Lalana's husband"
C-
Yes, I think that time does play a role in this... it has been over eight years since this has happened. I am lucky enough that this person is not in my life and so I don't have to figure out how to be around her.
As for my meaning of forgive... I guess... in my mind in heart being able to let it go... and have no ill feelings about it anymore. I just don't honestly think I can do that.. I don't think I have it in me... nor do I fully think I WANT to.
I don't think this post even serves any purpose.. I doubt I'll do anything about it. It really doesn't hold any bearing on my everyday life.. other than me learning to make people earn my trust.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
Check that out..Its a link to the Mayo Clinic.. Your post sparked an additional post that im writing and thats one of the research items that I am using..
Hoe it sheds some more light on it for you.
Sorry hit publish before I was ready to... But I soo kow what you mean about making people earn your trust. Then and only then do I open up a little bit more. I envy you in some ways because where you do not have to see that person/s daily, I have made the choice to stay and work it out. the fluctuation of anger, pain, disgust, betrayal, and sorrow interfere on a day to day basis. I do disagree with you though about it not affecting your day to day life. I base personal decisions on it whether its subconcious or plain as day. Im not saying that it has to be dealt with in a timely fashion as my betrayal happened about 8 years ago also. Ive forgiven, I have not forgotten and no matter how much you work at it the pain of it is with me when something similar pops up. Best wishes
"C"
http://ownshisbytch.lalanasjourney.com/
P.S. also added you to the reader:)
C-
First.. thanks for adding me to your reader... I'm not a reader sort of person and so I have a whole big bookmark list of blogs. I'm old fashioned like that I guess :-)
I can only imagine how hard it is for you to see that sort of pain every time you look at her. I hope that staying and working on this is something that ends up being a good thing.
I admire the strength that you have to have in order to try to move forth. I'm not so sure I could do the same.
Anyways... I will be sure to check out that link.
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