moving on

Today has been a bit emotional for me. My friend put his two week notice in... and today was his last day. Now, we do hang out... outside of work.... but I mainly see him at work. I spend most of my free time with the family. I got him some flowers, balloon, and a card... I wanted to remind him of how much I love him. Because I do. He is one of my closest friends.

He loved the flowers. He's just like that.. he appreciates things like that.... no matter how small or big the gesture is. I was in the freezer when he was leaving. He came up and said he was going. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him for a while. I breathed slowly.. afraid that I might cry. I could tell he was doing the same.

After we hugged I told him how much I was going to miss him... and that I loved him. AND that he better come visit and for us to still hang out... text me... etc. We hugged again... he thanked me for the flowers for a second time... and left.

It was bittersweet to say the least. It's not like he's leaving the area... I will still see him... but I can't help but feel sad. With that said, I am happy for him.. that he got out of that place.. that he's doing what makes him happy. That's important.

You see... I have this thing about friends. Growing up I never was very popular. I had friends, yes... but sometimes I wonder if I really did. Like wonder if they were true friends. A lot of these people proved there weren't... and the others just simply moved on. We all do that. I only have one person I still call friend from when I was a child.

I lost a lot of them in high school and came to the realization that I'd rather have a handful of true friends than a large group of them. Ones I could trust and I know that would have my back if I never needed that.

It seems that circle of people grow smaller everyday. It hurts my soul to think of the people I've cared for.... for the things that have happened... the pain I've endured. I wonder sometimes if I caused their betrayals.... their finality to our relationship.

It almost makes me just want to stay in the safe haven of my family.. where I know I'm loved... never risking the chance of having my heart hurt from someone who claims they are my friend, when in the end I'm just a warm body filling a place.

So yeah... bittersweet to lose him. I miss him already.