HNT:Moving on

So here we are. I never thought I'd be here.. but I'm sure that is just silly to look at things that way. Most good things come to an end. This blog has came to its end. That makes me sad... but it must happen for good reasons.

It's time to continue my story... unwritten.

Just sitting here... looking at that cursor blink... I should have more to say... some big finale... and yet I don't. It's been fun... I've enjoyed every minute of sharing a window into my world. It's given me something... something I cant quite describe. It's nice to be able to look back on stuff... to reread it and be completely wrapped up in how I felt in that moment. That is something truly special. My blog has been truly special to me.

I shall miss having my own space to the world.. but I think this will be a good thing still. I'll still be around reading... as long as other still continue to share. Thanks for reading!

I'm Moving On
Rascal Flatts

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

Love Our Lurkers... October 2009 edition

So its that time again boys and girls. Its Love Our Lurkers day! This is where all you lovely lurkers should feel free to come out of hiding... say hello... we love to hear from you! It's always nice knowing who is reading. At least, thats how I feel.

Look forward to hearing from you!!!

HNT: hidden

Ah.. another Thursday here... and honestly I can say... I'm not feeling so sexy today. (wow that rhymed.) With all the that's been on my plate... its hard sometimes to feel like a sexual creature.

I had my consult for a tubal ligation Monday. I was given two options. The tubal or a fairly new alternative procedure called Essure. I had a friend that had the Essure done.. and honestly, she hated it. Said she'd wished she had just had the tubal which, of course, made me a little uneasy. At first glance... it does seem like the better option. It's less invasive... no incisions.... and no down time from work.

I spent the next next scouring the internet for any info I could get on both. Stories from people that had actually experienced either... it was a long and draining process. I really didn't want to do either.... neither one of them sounded like any fun.... and I found pros and cons ran strong for both.

At the end of it, I did make a decision. The straw for me... was that the Essure has only been out since 2002... therefore... they have no idea what long term effects are. What happens in 20 years? I think that's a huge chance to take... and not one I'm willing to take.

Yes, I will have to take off a week from work (which could be a blessing in disguise)... and yes.. I'm sure I'll be sore.... and yes... I'll have scars... BUT... when I leave that day.. I will no longer have to worry about birth control. No more hormones fucking with my body and head. No more babies. And that's... what its all about for me.

So.. no, I'm not feeling very sexy... I'm still scared. I will be scared till its over. I'm waiting for the doctors office to call me to schedule my surgery. The sooner the better. I can't wait to put this year behind me... this nightmare of birth control gone wrong... and start fresh... free of the burden.

Next.... next week I'll do something better. Till then.... HHNT everyone!

HNT: steamy

unquenched

Because every night isn't something outta an erotica blog....

I laid there in bed... Ben's arm draped over me. I could feel the warmth of his body as he scooted closer to me. His cock managed to mold into the crease of my ass... fitting there like it's where it belonged. It's very own haven.

At first... my mind wandered.. thinking of random stuff as I often do before I fall asleep.. but tonight.. that wasn't going to work. I became acutely aware of his body.. and I could feel the warmth grow between my legs. That deep seeded need to feel his cock deep inside of me awoke... just as I was awake.

I knew it wasn't going to happen.... but that certainly didn't mean I didn't WANT it to happen. I laid there listening to the rhythm of his breathing.. trying to focus on that.. and not the gnawing need to roll over and rape him. This, however, proved not to be very distracting.

I couldn't lay like that anymore.. there was no way I was falling asleep with him against me. I wiggled free and with an almost fluid motion.. we both rolled over. I wrapped my arm around him.. getting as close as I could. And still after minutes passed... I was no closer to sleep. All I could think of at this point was that I wanted to just fall asleep. I wanted to dream of other things than desire... to rest...because I obviously was not getting the other need met.

Damn it. Sometimes one just needs to get fucked... in order to fall asleep. Alas... I finally gave up and got up hoping that tiredness will over take me so when I do finally go back to bed.. fucking him will not be all I can think of. (wow that was quite the run-on sentence!)

HNT: little black panties

What wonders are within.

reality.... it's a tough decision

I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind... that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control... ie... am I actually getting laid? And really... I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.

It's just been one thing after another... and I'm just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely... and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes... yes it is... but it's how I feel this very moment. It's maddening... and I hate it.

I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with... that are far worse than mine... but that doesn't make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really... if I never had to take birth control again... I'd be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I'd have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all.... I mean... it wasn't till this year that I even had the slightest problem.

So that lends to... why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling... and the effects didn't fully go away till probably a week ago.

I never went into details about it all... but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex... but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me... because I've always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case... I didn't know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn't come back... and if I didn't I wasn't sure how that would reflect on my life.

I pride myself on my sexual side... always have. Without that... I wouldn't be complete. That sounds weird... but that's how I see myself. I am a sexual creature.... plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there... it was hard to handle.

So here I am... exhausted from it all. It's time to make a tough decision... one that scare me.

I've decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with... I don't ever want to go through this again... and this seems like the best way. My body... my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can't expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that... I made my decision.

I'm scared shitless..... to say the least. But I can't keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn't going to work. My consult is on October 5.... wish me luck... cause I'm certainly going to need it.