this girl's life

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One wonders, why must a good thing made bad?

Well its the day after Thanksgiving.. and that means only one thing here in the United States. It's Black Friday. Now, I personally love getting up early and shopping.. finding great deals... and even though I may miss out on a deal or two... I certainly do not let that get me down.

All my family met up with Ben and I this morning... lists in hand... our plan of attack in mind. We waited outside in the cold and at 5 a.m. we filed into the store in an orderly fashion. As always, it was warm inside.... but even more hot than normal with all those people... it was down right uncomfortable.

We managed to get everything on our list but the Nintendo DS my oldest daughter wants. We found a short line to check out in... and headed out... all in less than a hour. I'm pretty proud of that.

From, there we picked up my niece and checked out the next store. After we grabbed some breakfast and headed to the game store to pick up the system and scoop up the next deal... buy two get one free games. We were.. oh.. fifteenth in line to get in... and ended up waiting forty-five minutes to check out.. yuck.

We stopped at several other places and the mall after that. I'd say we have about eighty-five percent of our Christmas shopping done now... which is no small feat I must say when you have two children. So overall I'm very pleased with that.


Once we got home... I got online and read through the news and such. I stumbled across something that just made me sick.. and angered me. Apparently this morning in New York a WalMart worker was trampled to death after a group of shoppers literally busted down the doors. This makes me so very sad. I don't see how saving $50 is worth that. Why would someone do such a thing. I mean I understand wanting to get that good deal... but to break down a door and run people over... that is just beyond me.

I know that I could never live knowing that I helped murder an innocent person just to save my pocket book a few bucks. How must those people feel about themselves... and do they even care that a life is lost now? For what? A new tv? A Cabbage Patch doll? Give me a break.

I just shake my head.... there really are no words to convey just how wrong this is. I hope that who ever was involved goes home... and feel much regret.... that they think of that person everyday... and know that there is nothing they can do to change that- just because they needed to get that laptop for their kid.

This is exactly the kind of shit that gives us bad names. Just not right.

Happy Thanksgving!

I doubt I'll be around tomorrow to blog.. so I wanted to wish everyone a very wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope that everyone has a great day with their family and friends.... and make sure to save some room for pie!

Oh and... there is always room for some kink... even on Thanksgiving... enjoy!

TMI Meme

I stole this from Lalana. Seriously.. this is long... so get comfortable.

Things to do before I die
1. See Italy and Tahiti
2. Open my own cake shop
3. See my kids graduate high school
4. Buy a home
5. Celebrate our 50th anniversary. (stole that one!)

Things I cannot do
1.Despite what I think... I cannot sing that well
2. Seem to go the speed limit
3. Forgive two people from my past
4. Perform brain surgery
5. Put up with idiots.. seriously
6. Throw a ball for crap
7. Be blatantly mean to people

Things I say most often
1. Love you
2. Knock it off!
3. Dumbass.
4. Seriously?
5. Thank you for calling XXX XXX Bakery... this is Sierra, how may I help you?
6. Right on
7. What a moron

Books I love
1. Time Enough For Love
2. Firestarter
3. Twilight
4. New Moon
5. Eclipse
6. Flowers for Algernon
7. The House by the Lake

Movies I could watch over and over
1. Legends of the Fall
2. Ladder 49
3. The Little Mermaid
4. A Walk in the Clouds
5. Clue
6. Ocean's Eleven
7. A Knight's Tale

All-time albums (good lord!)
1. Buckcherry- 15
2. Staind- Chapter IV
3. Rascal Flatts- Me and My Gang
4. Evanescence- Fallen
5. Hinder- Extreme Behavior
6. Boston- Greatest Hits
7. Alanis Morissette- Jagged Little Pill


40 Questions….

My uncle once: embarrassed the crap out of me while driving down the interstate

Never in my life: will I not be a Mom

When I was five: I sat on my birthday cake on accident

High School was: all right.

I will never forget: to always be myself

I once met: someone famous in an airport

There’s this girl I know who: stabbed me in the back... several times

Once, at a bar: I got so drunk I could barely walk out.

By noon, I’m usually: halfway through my work day

Last night: my ex touched me.... shudders

If I only had: more time and money

Next time I go to church: I'm sure I'll be dead... cause I'll be damned if I go in a church again

Terry Shiavo: had such a sad life

What worries me most: being poor and not being able to provide for myself and family

When I turn my head left, I see: Ben :-)

When I turn my head right, I see: my oldest daughter

You know I’m lying when: I say: "no, thats fine"

What I miss most about the eighties: is... um.... I'll get back to ya

By this time next year: I hope we're closer to paying off our debt (and be done paying on my car!)

A better name for me would be: crazy bitch

I have a hard time understanding: a lot of things in this world

If I ever go back to school, I’ll: surprised

You know I like you if: I make an effort to call/text/hang out with you

If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: three people.. Ben and the girls.

Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: who cares

Take my advice, never: pass up a chance of a lifetime

My ideal breakfast is: scrambled eggs, hash browns, sausage, and biscuits

A song I love, but do not own is: ummmmmmmmmmm

If you visit my hometown, I suggest: be ready to sit in traffic

Tulips, character flaws, microchips & stars: sigh

Why won’t people: quit worrying about everyone's business but their own

If you spend the night at my house: have a kitten attacking your feet

I’d stop my wedding for: pretty much nothing

The world could do without: pedophiles

I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: die (dramatic huh?)

My favorite blonde is: my youngest daughter

Paper clips are more useful than: my fingers

If I do anything well, it’s: complain

And by the way: I'm ready for this to be done!


1. Nervous habits ? fidgeting with anything in my hands
2. Are you double jointed - nope
3. Can you roll your tongue - Nope
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time ? yes but it takes a lot of effort... I'm no Rock
5. Can you blow spit bubbles ? yeah.. but do I want to?
6. Can you cross your eyes ? Yes
7. Tattoos ? 1
8. Piercing - 0
9. Do you make your bed daily ? nope... well unless you count when Ben flips the covers at night to straighten them out


10. Which shoe goes on first ? whichever I grab first.
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? ? I dont think so
12. On the average, how much money do you carry ? usually no more than $20
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7 ? wedding and engagement rings, heart shaped key necklace
14. Favorite piece of clothing ? the skull jammie pants I stole from Ben....


15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it ? Cut it
16. Have you ever eaten Spam ? Please dont make me relive that
17. Do you use extra salt on your food? nope
18. How many cereals in your cabinet - I think 4
19. What’s your favorite beverage ? Kiwi Straw Propel or Diet Cherry Pepsi
20. What’s your favorite fast food restaurant - Jack-in-the-Crack
21. Do you cook? most every night


22. How often do you brush your teeth ? twice a day
23. Hair drying method - usually air dries
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair -yeah.. not in a while though


25. Do you swear ? heh.. does the wind blow?
26. Do you ever spit ? not really... Im a swallower hehe


27. Animal ? cats
28. Food ? chicken alfredo
29. Month ? May
30. Day ? Sunday
31. Cartoon ? tv? or movie????
32. Shoe brand ? Adidas
33. Subject in school ? English
34. Color ? blue.. hands down
35. Sport - none… not a big sports person.
36. TV shows ? oh here we go.... Heroes, Smallville, House, Prison Break, Stargate Atlantis, Battlestar Gallactica (the new one), Nip/Tuck
37. Thing to do in the spring? enjoy the fresh air
38. Thing to do in the summer - swim
39. Thing to do in the autumn - cuddle on the couch with Ben
40. Thing to do in the winter? cuddle on the couch still


41. In the CD player ? Buckcherry
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Ben
43. Reading? nothing right now 44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors? nope 45. What color is your bedroom? white.. sigh . 46. Do you use an alarm clock? yep. 47. Window seat or aisle - Window.


48. What’s your sleeping position - kinda halfway between stomach and side
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket ? usually
50. Do you snore ? only when Im sick
51. Do you sleepwalk ? I did when I was a kid
52. Do you talk in your sleep - yep

53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals ? no
54. How about with the light on ? nope
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on ? not anymore
56. Last interesting person you met ? ummm I've met a lot of interesting people lately


2 names you go by: Baby and Momma
2 parts of your heritage: Native American and um.. well I think I might have some Cajun in me
2 things that scare you: dying alone and heights
2 of your everyday essentials: sleep and water
2 things you are wearing right now: Nike workout pants and gold tshirt
2 stars you are currently crushing on: Im not
2 of your favorite musical artists (at the moment): Staind and Buckcherry
2 favorite songs (at the moment): Sorry and Everything Changes

2 CD’s played in your car (at the moment): I listened to Hinder and Buckcherry today
2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love): trust and honesty
2 truths: I've only been in love two times. I feel things deeply... I love deeply and hate deeply.
2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex): eyes and butt
2 of your favorite hobbies (aside from scrapbooking): sex (haha) and writing
2 of your worst vices: eating junk food and complaining
2 things you want really badly: to not worry about money and to vacation more often
2 places you want to go on vacation: Italy and Tahiti
2 things you want to do before you die: See Europe and watch my kids grow up
2 ways that you want to be remembered: As a good wife and mother
2 things you are thinking about right now: Im seriously tired and I think its time to get off here
2 stores you shop at: Walmart and Ross

All I have to say is THANK GOODNESS!!!

.... sex... raw... sex

I had just finished my shower... I got off and dried off then proceeded to do my nightly grooming ritual. After I finished I headed to the door and opened it.. only to be surprised by Ben. I didn't have much time to think as he grabbed my hair and pushed me to my knees.

He was already fully erect which made me very happy to say the least. He shoved his cock into my mouth which I eagerly started to suck. I moved my lips up and down on his shaft, taking him in as deep as I could. His hips were meeting my movements with such vigor it was hard not to choke.

We did this for a bit before he finally pulled away and "walked" me into our bedroom by my hair. His hand never left my head as he had me get to my feet and lean over the bed. The first lash of the flogger hit my somewhat damp skin hard making my whole body tense. I cried out.... wishing that I had got a warm up but could see it was something I would not get.

Each hit was like lightening through my body. It seems to me that since our play has been spread out lately, my tolerance to pain has diminished some.. which makes me kind of sad. So who is to say he was hitting harder? Maybe it's just me and my lowered threshold.

I kept crying out... over and over.. more in pain than in pleasure.. even if I was enjoying immensely. Minutes passed and my back.. shoulders... sides.. ass.. and thighs were being assaulted. I could feel spots he hit over and over... the pain was intense... at times barely to where I could handle it.

During his onslaught, he would ram into me with deep furious thrusts that took my mind off the sting of my skin.... which made it so much easier. Until. He pulled away and began to batter me again.

Finally some relief came.... and onto my knees I went again. I sucked vigorously as he ordered me to rub my clit and cum. I made quick, small circular strokes on my clit was I swallowed his cock in my mouth... feeling the orgasm grow inside of me. His words flowed out of his mouth like velvet... "Cum. Cum now." That was all it took... my body shook with pleasure.

Back on the bed he began to flog my back again and tease my cunt with his dick. My fingers dug into the bed and gripped at the sheets. Over and over he hit me with an intensity that had me wrapped up in little knots... of course in a good way.

Soon we got to a point to where it was too much... I squinted my eyes and begged to have some relief.. to have a moment.. a break to soothe my burning flesh. I got my wish.... back on the floor I went.

I sucked him in to the back of my throat this time... he started to face fuck me at a steady pace. Again he ordered me to rub my clit. I did so.. then was pulled off his cock. He pulled me back by my hair, arching my back. He started hitting my left tit.. over and over...the pain was terrible.

"Cum for me. I want you to look in my eyes and cum"

And so I did... I rubbed feverously till I came again.... making eye contact the whole time. I felt so vulnerable.. knowing he could see into my soul at that very moment. That he could prbably see what was in my head and heart... the lust that was there for him.

I was pulled to my feet and pushed back across the bed. I continued rubbing my clit as he started to flog me again. I was very sensitive by then... and could feel the overwhelming pleasure growing between my legs again. I tried to stop... to keep it from happening... but it was too late. My body convulsed again.. a powerful orgasm ripping through me.

"Did you just cum without my permission", he asked. I answered with a yes.

"I think you need to have your pussy whipped for that. Two times. Don't you think?". Again, I said yes.

So, I climbed onto the bed laying back spread eagle. He ran the flogger gently over my pussy lips... making my body tremble with nervous anticipation. When it came... the shock wave through me was intense to say the least. It rippled from my cunt to every extremety.

I forced myself not to completely close my legs.... as he said to open them up. Again, he teased me.... gently running the leather over my heated skin. When it hit again... I cried out... feeling the throbbing left behind..... and before I knew it... again painful hit.

I breathed deeply.. trying to calm myself and somehow found myself on my knees again. As I sucked this time... he talked.

"You have a choice. I can cum in your mouth. Or. I can cum in your ass.", Ben purred.

I pulled away just long enough to utter the words, "in my ass". He seemed to like this idea very much and was very condescending about it. After a few more pumps into my willing throat... he told me to get the lube and lube up my ass for him.

I did so.. making sure to be generous in the amount used.... trying to keep from being in too much pain. Once I was ready for him... I laid across the bed with my ass in the air. I breathed slowly... trying to push out any tenseness I had in my muscles.

When the tip of his cock touched my ass... it was so hard not to tense... but I kept breathing. He pushed in slowly... being gentle.. but forceful. Slowly he inched his way in till he was almost all the way in... and I felt panic wash over me as he began to slide in and out.

My breathing quickened and pain shot through me.. and not the good pain. He stopped.. telling me to calm down and breathe. I listened to his words and worked through it... keeping my arm wrapped around my waist to calm myself.

When I got it under control again he began fucking my ass again. He told me to rub my clit... and I did.. slowly... trying to keep out any bad thoughts of pain. His pace quickened.. and it started to feel better. He ran the flogger over my back as he did this.... hitting me gently.... I'm sure to keep from making me tense.

Before long I was fully into it.. enjoying every inch of his cock in my ass. He was really pounding away at me when I cried out for him to cum inside of me. The words put me over the edge and I begged to cum as well.... over and over till he heard me.

Ben told me to cum... just as he spilled his seed into my waiting ass.... to say that it was good... is an understatement.

sometimes its good to remember your past

A friend of mine is going through a rough patch in her life... she and her husband are having some marital issues. I've been there before... not with Ben... but my children's father.

My relationship with my ex... we'll call him Mr. Wonderful (can you feel the sarcasm in that name? grin). Mr. Wonderful and I had a great relationship.. for the first.. oh... three months. He had good qualities.. and yes, I have talked about him on here before... here. I was smitten with those few good qualities and managed to look over all the bad ones.

Years passed... somewhere in there we go married (a HUGE mistake)... and somewhere in there.. I was miserable.. just didn't realize it. I mean, that's not true... I knew I was unhappy but in all honesty I never thought I could have everything I wanted and I could be happy. It just seemed like a foreign idea. I was quite okay with settling.

This was my mistake. I settled. Then one day... I realized... I want more. I want all the things I dreamed of.. I just wanted to to be happy. Simple as that. I told him... crying how unhappy I was.. and that things had to change... and of course, he begged me not to leave him. BUT, do you think he did anything to try to fix our issues? Nope. Not a single thing. I spent another month.. making sure I was for sure of this... and decided I needed a weekend away.

When I got home... I told him I was done.. that I couldn't do it anymore. I needed more from my life... and he wasn't part of that. He moved out that night to his parents.

The following months were horrible. He was borderline stalker.. seriously. He'd show up at the house... always tried to touch me and huge me... it just made me sick. I can't really begin to explain what it was like. But I had to deal with him still because of the kids and because I adore his family and intended on still being a part of it.

Even after I met Ben.. he was still pining after me... and most people feel that he still wants me. The whole idea just makes me ill to my stomach.

So I guess the point of this is.. you never know what life holds for you. Life is short.. and its the only one you have... you should always do things to make yourself happy. Had I not made a difficult decision, I would not have what I have today- a man I love very much that makes me happier than I ever thought possible.

Life has a way of working itself out... but sometimes you have to give it a little help. You have to make tough decisions sometimes... in order to get what you truly want in the long run... life is not always easy.

Are people really that ignorant?!

Answer: YES!

It truly amazes me... and words are hard to shape in my head simply because I'm astonished and horrified at some people. We live in a world where women have the right to vote.... African Americans can sit anywhere they want to on the bus.... and we even elect our first ever black President. Now tell me why... there are so many simple minded people- people that feel that some book should dictate how we live our lives?

Last time I checked... I could have swore that church and state were supposed to be separate. And if this is so... then why... OH WHY... does the "state" have the right to say who can marry who? Just because someone falls in love with someone of the same sex.... why are they less entitled to legally marrying? How are those people any less American? How do they have less rights?

Again, last time I checked... all men are created equal.... but of course.. there are stipulations. Back in the day it was... equal unless you are a woman... or if you were not white. Now it's equal, unless you're gay. Give me a freaking break.

I'm sorry- wait not.. I'm not sorry. No book... written thousands of years ago... that has been updated time and time again... from some so called God.... will tell me how to live my life. No thanks. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay.. not in the slightest. Whom you love is not my business.. nor is it anyone else's or the government's.

That is what the problem is... so many religious fanatics telling people what to do. Live your own life... if they chose to live that way.. then fine... that is there right. Just as it is any gay person's right to marry the person of their choosing. It's just simple as that.

All this debate about same sex marriage is just sickening. I just don't know how else to put it. I have my opinion.. just like anyone else.... and my opinion is that everyone should be able to be free to live the life that suits them. That's what this country was founded on after all.

So, yes, I'm fired up. What fired me up?

I was on lunch today. There were three people in the break room.... all over the age of 45. Some how the topic of same sex marriage came up. One of the women was saying how sick it was... and the other two were going on about how it's just not right.

They pointed out that I was being quiet... I said that it's cause I had an opinion and I didn't agree with there's. That it was fine to have a different point of view, but that I did not feel the same way they do.

But that was all I needed. I was so angry at how small minded they were being. I mean, how does that really affect them? Do they stay up at night worrying about it? I think not... so why oppress others... begrudge them the same rights that you have?

I left the room a while later feeling sad and angered. For all the bounds and strides we've made as a country.... we still have a long way to go.... a long, long way till we are all truly equal.



I found this clip on The Late Bloomer's blog....

Just a few of the things/reasons I love my husband

I love the way you smell. I always have. I could lay against you forever just soaking in your fragrance.... if I never believed in pheromones before you.. I surely do now.

I love how your eyes sparkle when you look at me... the way they light up when you say you love me.

I love how you text me each morning to say hello, ask me about my day, and tell me you love me.

I love how wrap the towel around me after our showers... it's such a simple gesture, but I adore it.

I love that you tell me good bye in the morning and give me a kiss... and never forget.

I love how you adore me for who I am.... that you've never tried to change me... and embrace every part of my body, mind, and soul.

I love how you do things for my children and how protective of them you are. I brings a smile to my face each night they hug and kiss you good night.

I love how you help clean the house and never complain. Laundry included.

I love how you've encouraged and joined in on my erotic side... I love that we see eye to eye on that. I love that you get just as much from our play as I do.

I love how you link your arm with mine when we walk.. and open my doors before I even have a chance to. AND how you put your hand on the small of my back as you do so *shiver*.

I love how you make me laugh... and how silly I can be with you, that you don't make me feel like I'm being silly because you play along... we just get each other.

I love how you hold me and listen about something that's bothering me or if I had a bad day... your arms always make me feel better.

I love the way you kiss... oh... my.. goodness... do I ever! I love that you can still take my breath away with just a simple touch of your lips.

I love that you come have lunch with me sometimes... makes the work day a little more bearable.

I love that we enjoy the same tv shows and movies... even if we don't agree on music... two out of three ain't bad.

But most of all.. I love you... because you are you... and there is not a thing I would change... simply because then you would cease to be the man I fell in love with. I know that over the years you and I will grow and mold.... but at the core you will always be the same man. I could not be any luckier that is for sure.

Love Our Lurkers... the late edition!

So I was late finding "Love my lurkers day" and so decided not to do it... but kitten said I should do it anyway... so I am.

Just like any other blogger... I love to hear from my readers. It's nice to know what people think of what I write and such. In fact... comments have always encouraged me to write more.. especially in the times I feel a slump in how much I've blogged.

So... in some ways.. my readers, you, are part of my inspiration.

With that said... I would really love to hear from any one that reads... or have just found my blog and let me know what you think... or even just say hi. I would love either.

Thanks for reading!

Sugasm #152

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #153? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Sugarbutch Star: Maze - The Girl in the Red Dress
“She’s the kind of girl who brings out the worst in me.”

treat or … fuck
“He looked like I had just given him a car for Christmas and he gently took my hand and led me upstairs. ”

A Life Exposed and Amplified
“We were breaking the rules and being dirty.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
I told him I loved him. He gave me a pen.

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Break On Through
Eiffel Tower
Fast Jenny
A Few Orgasms Before Bed
Goodbye, my Love
Mexican Girlfriend
Mixing business and pleasure
Mistaken Identity

Sex Advice
How to Have Anal Sex with a Big Penis
Is Fantasizing Wrong?
Is Sex Without Oral a Dealbreaker? You Decide.
Lasting Longer in Bed

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Georgia Jones wants to go for a ride
HNT. Forest Nymph
HNT! (One more cherry, popped.)
Kamila - The Restoration
More from the knee socks series
PSA: Breast Cancer Awareness

Sex Work
Dating Civilians 101

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews
A New Twist on an Anal Sex Toy
On Tuesday, Vote for Equality

BDSM & Fetish
-3 Days
Bad Girl
The big dodge
Blind date: Impressions of a Dom
Dirty Boy
egg scissors
Do you want to cum? How bad?
Jake gets Punished in Spanking Movie
Kneeling In Style
Long Night in Thee Cow Shed
Marked: An Open Letter
Mistress by Proxy, part 2 : the slut
The New Bath Brush
Pimping him out
Pondering Piercings

Sex Humour
Friday Poem: Achy Achy Cunt

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Hubby’s Halloween Hit. Confession #167
The Space Between
Two women, two stories

Do you ever wonder what women think of when they orgasm?

I was on my back... arms apart above my head.... legs spread wide... Ben sitting between my knees. I closed my eyes as I felt his fingers touch my freshly moistened pussy. I let out a sigh as one of those fingers slid up between my lips till he reached my clit. He slowly slid his other fingers into my awaiting hole... leaving his thumb on my clit to stimulate me.

As he rub me inside and out... I moaned... feeling my body react to his touch.... a body that had not really came down from the thorough fucking it had just minutes before. It was intense... and to the point... he wasn't messing around... he had a mission. To make his lover cum.

I reach down and pushed his thumb away from my clit and started rubbing briskly with my fingers. I started to imagine things... into my own little world... where things I wanted.. happened.

Ben texted me on his way home from work.

"Be naked and waiting for me on your knees with your collar in hand"

When he arrived home... I was on my knees.. hair pulled back... head down a bit... hands behind my back with the collar.

I could almost hear the smile on his face from his reaction.

"Lean down on your hands with your ass in the air", he commanded.

I went down... making sure my ass was as high in the air as I could then felt his hands rubbing my bare skin... I shivered.

"Where is that collar of yours?"

I held it up for him. He told me to sit up on my knees. He was behind me now... wrapping the collar around my neck and buckling in place.

Back on my hands and knees he grabs my hair... leading me to the bedroom... crawling.

In the bedroom he's naked... I'm bent over the bed... he spanks me... then flogs me.

Back on my knees again.. back arched backwards.. head almost on the bed as he flogs my tits... an evil grin on his face.

Back leaning over.. he's fucking me hard now...

I feel the wave of orgasm growing... the fucking was all I needed... it rolled over me.. intensely. The wave rolls... not letting up.. like the white foam left after the water breaks on the shore. When it subsides... my body is limp in his arms... ahh perfect.

moving on

Today has been a bit emotional for me. My friend put his two week notice in... and today was his last day. Now, we do hang out... outside of work.... but I mainly see him at work. I spend most of my free time with the family. I got him some flowers, balloon, and a card... I wanted to remind him of how much I love him. Because I do. He is one of my closest friends.

He loved the flowers. He's just like that.. he appreciates things like that.... no matter how small or big the gesture is. I was in the freezer when he was leaving. He came up and said he was going. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him for a while. I breathed slowly.. afraid that I might cry. I could tell he was doing the same.

After we hugged I told him how much I was going to miss him... and that I loved him. AND that he better come visit and for us to still hang out... text me... etc. We hugged again... he thanked me for the flowers for a second time... and left.

It was bittersweet to say the least. It's not like he's leaving the area... I will still see him... but I can't help but feel sad. With that said, I am happy for him.. that he got out of that place.. that he's doing what makes him happy. That's important.

You see... I have this thing about friends. Growing up I never was very popular. I had friends, yes... but sometimes I wonder if I really did. Like wonder if they were true friends. A lot of these people proved there weren't... and the others just simply moved on. We all do that. I only have one person I still call friend from when I was a child.

I lost a lot of them in high school and came to the realization that I'd rather have a handful of true friends than a large group of them. Ones I could trust and I know that would have my back if I never needed that.

It seems that circle of people grow smaller everyday. It hurts my soul to think of the people I've cared for.... for the things that have happened... the pain I've endured. I wonder sometimes if I caused their betrayals.... their finality to our relationship.

It almost makes me just want to stay in the safe haven of my family.. where I know I'm loved... never risking the chance of having my heart hurt from someone who claims they are my friend, when in the end I'm just a warm body filling a place.

So yeah... bittersweet to lose him. I miss him already.

oh the nothingness

I have nothing to say... so here's something... better than nothing right? :-)

Allergies are kicking my ass right now... and work and home life is sapping all my life out of me... hopefully I will have something to talk about soon.