A is for.....

Ive decided to try something new... I'm not really sure what direction it will take... but I'll start here. I'm going to go through the alphabet.... with pictures. I'm not going to put restrictions on the pictures... so they quite possibly will be all over the board.
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Animals

Our pets are very much a part of our family.... like more kids.. only smaller and furry :-) We have three cats.. each with their own personality.



This is Piggy. He is our oldest at eight years old and our first. Piggy was Ben's before we got together. When we moved in together... he brought Piggy with him. He is quite possibly the sweetest cat ever. He sleeps with us each night.. usually at my feet. He's very much a cat of habit... very much like Ben and I. He loves turkey deli meat and can recognize the sound of the plastic baggy from the other room. He also loves his belly rubbed and would be quite happy to just let you do that all day long. We call him by all sorts of names... Piggers... Buddy... Buckeroo... its kinda silly.

This is Brandi... she is the second oldest at six years old. We got her from the humane society less than a year after we moved in together. We felt bad that Piggy was all alone during the day.. and decided to get him a friend. We fell in love with her.. she's very much a talker. When we brought her home...she hated Piggy... but didn't have it in our hearts to take her back. She had already been at the shelter for a year... she needed a home. We think she was abused in her previous home.. she's very flighty- even after all this time we've had her. She's better now... but still not over it. I feel bad for her. We've nicknamed her Girl.. as we never felt that Brandi really fit her.
This is Sammie and our youngest at just at two years old. We got her right after we returned home for our first anniversary trip in Vegas. We got her for the same reason we got Brandi... a friend for Piggy. This time we decided a kitten was the way to go. We also got her from the humane society. She was only like six weeks old and fit in the palm of our hands. She earned the nickname Wee Lil because of that... along with a dozen other nicknames. We almost never call her Sammie anymore. Shes full of energy... very much a kitten still. She will run full board through the house and antagonize the other two cats.

So that's our furry babies... our family wouldn't be complete without them.

How young... is too young?

The other morning I was on my way to work... at a stop light I opened up Facebook. As the updates came... there was my 18 year old niece.... saying she was engaged. I don't know who else feels like this... but when you watch a kid grow into an adult... its hard to make that transition into thinking they truly are grown up. It was odd to see that she was in fact getting MARRIED.

I can't help but worry that she is too young... that she's see far too little of this world... and that she can't possibly know who she is yet. I know I didn't... even if I thought I did. I'm not saying that getting married at 18 doesn't work. What I am saying is... that it takes a lot of work. Marriage is work even when you're 40 let alone 18. I wonder if they truly know the gravity of what they are going into.

I know at 18 I thought I knew what the whole world was about... that I knew it all. The reality is that I am a different person now than I was then. This may not be the case for her... and for her sake... I truly hope this is true. I just really want her to be happy and have a wonderful and full life. I also hope that this works... and that twenty years from now... they are going to be going strong.

The truth is.... I do very much like her fiancee. He's a great guy... and adores my niece. I have no problem with him at all. I just worry that's all. I've always been a worrier... and I doubt that will stop anytime soon.

At any rate.. there has not been a date set. My niece is going into the Navy... and leaves for boot camp in May. She said they are going to wait till after that and some schooling she has to go through.. so at least the summer of 2011. I think that will give them time to let their very young (6ish months) relationship weather the test of time and distance. If they can make it through that... I'm fairly certain they can make it work.

Love is a strong thing...but it takes more than that to make a marriage work. I know all of you who are married totally understands that. And like I said... I just want her to be happy.... and him for that matter.... they are good people.

(And before I get attacked.... I hope that I didn't come off as saying that getting married at 18 is wrong... I just think it brings some added weight. You have to grow up together essentially. I know it's not impossible... many people have done it.)

loss

I'm hurting.

Not in a way that most people will completely understand.. as the situation is not unheard of but is certainly unorthodox.

Back story.

I was married before to the wrong person. I cannot say this is a mistake... as many good things came from this time in my life. He got me away from a place and family that I no longer wanted to be around... that wasn't healthy for me. He brought me to his home... into his family.

I bonded with these people... I became part of the family... I was his parent's daughter.. not daughter in law... I was his sister's sister... in fact I was way closer to them... than my ex ever was. We spent every holiday together... had game nights.. bbq's... they were the family I never had.. and always wanted. And all of a sudden.. this was my reality.

The only thing that was wrong about it was... him. So when I left him... I still stayed close with them.. because that's what we all wanted (ex not included in such sentiment). It was tough.. there were a lot of uncomfortable moments... which never really went away. BUT. I loved these people and still very much wanted to be there.

As the time passed and Ben came into the picture.. this still continued... them welcoming him into the family as if it had always been that way. Holidays with the ex became even more difficult but some how we managed to make it work. Why? Because we are family and that's what families do.

In the past year... I'd say just after the first of the year... things have become more unbearable on my part. You see, my ex has lived at his parents house for all of the time we've been separated except for maybe six months (and that's not all at once). Even after the divorce I would go over and just sit and visit... but as the years passed.. this became harder and harder.

I was always told I was welcome there no matter what.. but its honestly very hard to sit in that house while he's there. After a while.. I just stopped going over to visit. Get togethers started getting fewer... and all of a sudden today I realized that I haven't spent time with them since Ben's birthday in July. We didn't do any summer holidays together.... it was probably Easter before that. His sister and her husband came over for poker in June I think... and we had all of the gradation stuff. That was really the last time we spent time as a family together.

Today I also noticed something while in the dining room waiting for the kids to get their stuff together (his parents insist on taking care of the kids when I work and they don't have school)... I realized that I hate going there now. I'm always in a hurry to get home. I always feel so uncomfortable now... like I'm in a house of strangers.

I cannot begin to explain how much this hurts and breaks my heart. I could write on this forever... I've always wanted a family... one that loves me.. and that I'm truly a part of. I had this.. and I feel like I've lost it. My heart is in a million pieces right now... I dunno how to fix this... or even if I can.

I know if I talked to them... they would say I'm being silly... but you can't change how you feel. And I can't make them do things differently... I can't make them mold to be what they were or what I want them to be. People change and evolve.. and sometimes... they do so in a way that you don't like. This seems to be the case...

Or maybe... I'm the one who has changed...

It's over! It's over!

Another graduation has come and gone... and I must say.. I am VERY thankful. You see, graduation is the busiest time of my year work wise. Added to it this year was my niece graduating... and well you can see how this weekend was exhausting?

Work was insane... we had SO many orders.. it's safe to say.. I worked my ass off (even though its still there thank goodness!). I went into to work at four am on Saturday. I got off.. grabbed the flowers and balloon I ordered for my niece. When I got home.. I boiled all the noodles I needed for the three pasta salads I was commissioned to make. It was a funny sight I'm sure.... in the kitchen in just my bra... Im strange.. I know.

After I jumped in the shower with little time to spare. Ben got home.. and did the same.... and we were off. We went and got the kids from their Dad's and headed to the stadium. We were there a little early... but we wanted to get good seats next to the rest of the family. It was a nice day out.. despite the early morning rain. The seats... were terrible. All of our backs were hurting after the two hour ceremony was over.

It was emotional to watch her graduate... to see her as a woman and not as a child... its difficult. Nevertheless... I am so very proud of her... because I know how hard she worked to get to that day. When it was over.. and we went down to find her in the sea of people... she was all grins.

We had dinner at the parents house after... sub sandwiches and potato soup.. yum. It was nice to have all of us together.. chit chatting and having a good time. We only stayed a hour before we left for home to finish up making the salads and clean up.

We headed over to my sister's house to deliver the salads and cake balls I made for the party on Sunday. We had planned on going out with friends... but that kind of fell through when we got sucked into helping set up. We were there until nine.... and went home.

Ben and I relaxed for a bit.... where I almost fell asleep on the couch. We decided it was bedtime... so we grabbed a shower and was in bed by 10:30.

On Sunday we did manage to sleep in... but I woke up very sore. My body was not liking being overworked. I got up and showered... and we headed out. We grabbed some breakfast then headed to my sister's again.

I jumped in helping... setting up food and such. We headed out after the food was in order and set up the tables and chairs. We decorated the area... getting things all put together... and I must say... it turned out quite nicely.

People started showing up on time at four... and the two of us were in hostess mode getting everything moving. We showed the slide show I put together first thing... which everyone loved... I even got asked how much I would charge to do something like that. That surprised me.. but made me feel good knowing that I did a good job.

After that we manned the grills and got to cooking. Once that was done.. we could finally relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We sat around talking and just enjoying ourselves. This is where Ben told me... the cake is melting. It had been an all afternoon project keeping that cake(that I made) out of the sun... and apparently I dropped the ball. (the pic is pre-meltdown.. I didn't get a pic of it melted.. I should have!)


I went over to rescue it.. and the left side bottom boarder... completely melted.. it was a puddle of frosting. Quite funny I must say! I separated the three tiers so that it could be served.... it was quite tasty.

Ben, the kids, and I all headed home around eight... where we tossed the kids in the tub. We relaxed a bit.. then headed to bed after a shower at ten. It was a very full weekend.... I'm sore. But... I feel good about how it all turned out.... so it was all worth the work.

four weeks

We watched Seven Pounds with Will Smith in it last night. I have to say, this is one of the saddest movies I have seen in a very long time. The premise of the movie was different... but definitely something different.

In the movie, Will Smith meets a woman who is terminally ill. She has chronic heart failure and is given four to six weeks to live.

After we watched it (and I cried.. hard)... we headed to bed. The wheels in my head started to turn. What if I was told I only had four weeks to live? What would I do? How would I live the last thirty days of my life?

I mulled over things in my head... and found myself over come with emotion at this. All the things I would miss... birthdays.. weddings.. holidays.... what to pick and choose... what is most important... ran around inside my skull.. doing a little tap dance on my heart.

So here's what I came up with.. in no particular order.

write letters to my girls for special occasions... milestone birthdays.. wedding days.. graduations
write good bye letters to all that I hold dear
spend an afternoon with each of the girls just one at a time.. doing whatever they wanted
go do a complete spa treatment
spend a full day in bed with Ben... having sex.. laughing.. cuddling.. and Im sure crying
go to the coast.. see the ocean one last time
have a full family bbq
watch the sunset
stay up all night and watch the sunrise
quit my job
get a family portrait done
eat at my favorite restaurant
doing a weekend in Vegas.. renew our vows
throw a birthday party for the girls
take a long hot bath with candles.. the radio... and Ben
go for a drive in the mountains
visit one place I've never seen before.. like Vancouver, BC
spend one whole day watching movies
spend one whole day outside... soaking up the sun
sleep till noon one day and not feel guilty about it


When all is said and done... it really amazes me just what things I love to do.. did not make the list. The simple things are the things that are most important... but in the same thought.. they aren't so simple. I hope upon hopes that I never am faced with that knowledge... that my days are numbered. It would be the single most scary thing I've ever endured.

I want a life filled with lots of years ahead of me... filled with my family... and my friends. I want to grow old next to my husband and watch my children grow... and have children of their own. My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced something like that... it is terribly heart breaking.. no words do it justice.

the road less traveled

I wonder, the life I would have lived.... had I made different choices along the way.

Would I be where I am today? Had I not had children... and did the four year college thing.. would I live in the Northwest? Probably not... because at each decision... at each fork in the road... there is a different outcome.

Perhaps I could have graduated with a degree in marketing as I had dreamed.... and live in some large city... doing the grind... behind a desk some where. Dress to kill everyday... with a go getter attitude putting my social life on a back burner to further myself up the corporate ladder. But really? Is that truly me.. I think not.

Perhaps I could have married someone else... never having kids... living in a the high life with my powerful husband... in a condo we had long since payed for. Encircled by our flashy friends that would make me question if they were true friends.

Or.. perhaps I'd be in a devastatingly unhappy marriage... the typical house mom... staying at home.. making dinners and cleaning house. Carpooling the children that I would have had to soccer and baseball. Always the ever faithful, happy wife on the outside but deep down loathing my busy, but some how boring life.

See... no matter how many infinite different versions of me there could have been... I can't help but be thankful for the me that I am. I have made some not so wise decisions in my day, but in that same breath, I have made some pretty damn good ones. Had I not made each and every one of those, I would not be here.. I know that... I would not be married to Ben.. I would not have the children I have... who really knows where and who I would be.

Quite frankly, I'm happy not know what other version I could be.

gifted... revisited

Last month... I wrote about not feeling very exceptional at anything.... which brings me to my latest project so to speak.

My niece is graduating this year... which is just weird to me. I still see her as a little girl.. and the idea of her being a grown up out in the world... is just strange. But anyways, I am determined to make her graduation special. I've been helping my sister with party plans... taking care of invites.. and stuff. I even offered up to make a slide show... which became a task in itself. But I'm fairly certain that at least her Mom and Grandparents will be teary eyed.. and that is what I'm going for.

Anyways... my sister and brother-in-law decided that they were not going to be getting senior pictures done. When I heard how much they were charging.. I understood. The company that is in town was charging $75 just to rent the proofs.. in order to to purchase the ones you want... so uh.. yeah.

I've loved photography.. but really didn't think I was that special at it... but I offered to go out and take some shots... see what came up. So over the weekend.. my sister, niece, and I went out and about at the lake.. and around town. We took three days after I was done with work.. and went out and shot pictures... I ended up taking 250 just on my own.. then photo shopped them.


I was honestly surprised at what I came up with... and where as I want to share them all... I don't want to put her face out there for the world to see... sooooooo I will share the ones that doe not show her face. I'm pretty proud of the job I did.

a picture tells a thousand words

We showed our family pictures from our trip yesterday while we were over for Easter. While showing off these pictures I noticed something.. something you don't notice when you actually take them. I saw all the other people that were not my family in them.... the ones that just happen to be in the shot, simply because there were near when I decided to snap a memory.

After realizing this.. I went through delibritely looking at those other people... at the expressions that I captured. It made me wonder what moment I had in front of me... what part of their day they were in... and how their trip was going. Were they happy times?

Then of course, it made me wonder... how many photographs one of us appear in... just by chance. Will they notice as I did.. and remark at our family? Or will we just be a back drop in their happy memory? AND how many times in my life... on any of the number of vacations I have been on... how many pictures that are not mine have I been in?

And so I will never know who these people are that co-star in the moments of our trip... will never know who they are.. where they are from... none of that. They will merely be a face I took... that will forever be a part of the physical things I have to show from our brief time at Disneyland.

home.. and back to work

Sigh... vacation always go too quickly. We got home on Sunday morning... and spent that day and Monday busy getting things back in order.. getting groceries... and what not.. so not a whole lot of down time.

I went back to work today... which is a bummer. I really could have used another 2 or so days off to rest up from the trip.. but such is life. Time to get back to the grind stone. But I can bask in the glow of another great vacation. We had such a great time... I took like 700 pics... I'm kinda picture crazy. I know I was driving the kids nuts I'm sure... "hey.. go stand over there... and there!".

So yeah... I don't have a lot to talk about.. I do have a post in the back of my head... but I'm feeling kinda anxious.. and typing isn't really something I want to do right now... sooooooooooo that is for another time.

Just wanted to say a little something.. things should get back to normal around here now that I'm home.. which is a good and bad thing lol.

taking tired to a whole new level

So we're over halfway through our trip.. tomorrow is our last day at Disney. If I had to pick a word to describe it... whirlwind. Its been go, go, go. We drop like flies when we get back to the rental house... I haven't been this exhausted in a really long time. BUT.... we've had so much fun... and I can honestly say that this has been a trip of a lifetime.

I am truly happy that we got to do this... its been a great time. There has been a few bumps (some grumpiness on everyone's part... a few rides breaking down... a bust on our beach day) but really... in the grand scheme of things.. its really no big deal.

I'm also very thankful that my niece and nephew came along.. because its been so nice having them around... not only because they are cool kids.. but because they've been good to help buffer some of our kids' excitement and such. I just know that this trip wouldn't have been as fun had they not been here.. and for that... I'm happy.

Tired.. but happy lol.

So yeah, there was no point to this post.. other than to check in... say hi... and blab. So yeah.... till another time...

just a quick one

So we made it to Anaheim this afternoon... after a very long seventeen hour road trip with four kids. It was not nearly as bad as it sounds.. the kids were SO good... and we did not hear "are we there yet" once. That was very nice. Needless to say.. I only got like maybe two hours of sleep and so we're pretty tired.

I do have a bit of guilt for being here right now.. even though everyone has told me not to. I got a call about my sister when we were two hours away from the house. Apparently she had started hemorrhaging.. they think she got an infection. During her surgery I guess they took more than they needed for the biopsy... which they think caused the infection.

This morning I called to check on her... and turns out they had to do an emergency hysterectomy. She is very drugged up right now and has to stay in the hospital... but she should be just fine. I was told not to tell her kids... they all want to let the kids have a good vacation and not worry about something they can't do anything about. And so... I will keep quiet.. and hope they will not be upset with me for keeping it to myself as promised.

So that's that. We are here at the house we rented... kids are back in the pool.. cause its WARM! We'll be going to Disney tomorrow... so I'm sure this will most likely be the last post until I get back home (maybe).

Have a good week!

the ghosts of my past

My father was a drunk.

As far back as I can remember... he drank... sometimes to excess... but certainly every single day of the end of his life.

Apparently... he was not always like this... my half brothers tell a story of a very different man. A man whom was the stand up type... someone you would look up to. A good family man... a preacher... and somewhere... somehow.. that all changed. No one has ever told me why... and perhaps... no one ever really knew why... except him. My Dad was tight lipped about all things in his past. Now that he is gone... all that is left is the questions... that will never have answers.

When I was born, my Dad was in his 50's already... his life more than half over. I'm not sure why he felt the need to have another child... perhaps I was an opps... I would not doubt that for a moment. I don't know if my parents married before or after the revelation of my impending birth... but either way... they married.

I remember being four. My Mom had went to the store to pick something up.. leaving me with him. He had been drinking... a poor choice in my opinion to leave a little girl with a drunken person.. parent or not. At the time my only friend was my very older cousin's dog. He and I went everywhere together.

Dad went into the house to go to the bathroom... leaving me outside. I, of course, wandered off into the woods following my "friend" into the depths of the swamp. I remember being knee deep in water... scared and crying because the dog had taken off faster than I could keep up... and so.. I was lost.

At some point I was found... and of course... punished. This my friends... is my earliest memories.. having my ass beat by my drunken father... because he was too gone to make sure I followed him into the house. Nice. Granted, I shouldn't have wandered off... but I was FOUR. I still hold a bit of resentment for that.... probably always will.

There are stories just like that littered throughout my childhood. When I became old enough to fight back... I did. My mother surely never stood up for me.. even when I was right. She just "wanted to stay out of it". It was not a very fun environment to grow up in to say the least.

I remember when he moved out of the house and into a camper trailer on our land.... how he would never work... and how he would spend hours laying in bed doing crosswords and smoking with lines of empty beer cans against the bed. In all of my memories... few are good ones of him.

This man drank till the day he died.. literally. He had drank for so many years of his life.. that he could not go a day without at least one drink... it was sad really... I couldn't help but feel sorry for him and resentful all in the same thought. I never really got why I deserved the father that was cut off from the world.. and why my brothers... had a Dad that was always there for them.

And now.. I'm an adult... shouldering the ghosts of my past... realizing the damage his drinking did in my life. How when Ben drinks... it upsets me... not because he's an ass... or hurts me.. quite the opposite.. he is a funny drinker. But subconsciously... I feel this... I don't know how to describe it... perhaps its bitterness... or maybe even fear. I know deep down that Ben is not going to be like my Dad.... he would never put me through having a drunk as a husband. However... I just hate when he drinks.. for no good reason. It is so far and few between.... and yet... it just eats me up inside. I'm fairly certain that is why I can only stomach one or two drinks now.... or why I was never really a partier.

It's amazing the scars we leave on our children.... it makes me fearful of the ones I will leave on mine. No matter how wonderful a parent.. there is bound to be something... some impression that you leave on them... that is not a good one. One thing is for sure... I will never have them live through the horrors of a drunken parent... no way.

update on my sister

My sister had surgery on Thursday to remove the bulk of the cancer. They will be doing surgery again in May to get the rest of it. So this means... in a few months she will be cancer free.. that is a wonderful thing!

She made it through the surgery all right... just sore as all get out. I saw her yesterday and she's looking really good for just having a major operation several days before. She was supposed to go back to work today... I need to text her and see if she made it in or not.

So to say we are all relived is an understatement. I'm glad they could get it... I couldn't imagine if she had to under go chemo. I'm thankful she won't have to experience that.

The big D.

SO... its vacation time again.. is upon us.. in count them... ten days! I cannot wait to get the heck out of here and not have to work! We are doing something that I've always wanted to do with the kids but wanted to make sure they were old enough to enjoy and hopefully remember some of it.

We. Are. Going. To...... Disneyland!

I have to tell you... I'm not quite as excited as the girls are... but damn near it. I've been to Disneyworld when I was a kid.. but never Disneyland.. so it will be a first for us all. We're bringing along our niece and nephew again... which should be pretty fun.

The only thing I'm worried about is my sanity... we're driving. It's a seventeen hour drive. We are paying for the niece and nephew's way and so plane tickets for six people add up real quick... so we made a decision to use that money for spending instead and just drive... we may later regret that decision.

This will be the first really long road trip we've went on as a family. The beach trip from the summer was a three hour drive. So it was a mini road trip... this will be something all together different. I've put a lot of thought into it... and hopefully I have enough activities and such to keep them busy... along with the DVD player. And even though they will have all this stuff... I know I will hear.. "Are we there yet?" about a million times. BUT... that's okay.. I am prepared for it.. or as prepared as I'm going to be.

So this trip has been eight months in the making... and I'm so excited that it's here. I wish we were leaving now! What I'm hoping for is nice weather.. like warm.. feel the sun on my face...wear shorts weather. I keep checking the extended forecast and it changes everyday. I want to be able to go swimming in the house's pool damn it! I don't think that is too much to ask for!

See... I am cursed when it comes to weather and traveling.. and I will break it down for you. (Granted, there have been trips to Vegas and Canada in between that have not had this issue... but still)

June 2005- I went on a cruise.... Baja Mexico area... out of LA. No one bothered to tell me that they have June gloom.... it was overcast, windy, and chilly the whole time. So much for swimming.
August 2008- Our beach trip...we picked August hoping to get the best weather of the year... the week before we went.. it was beautiful, hot weather... we go... and we get winter storm type weather.. overcast, rainy, and extreme winds.
October 2008- I go to Hawaii.... its overcast practically the whole time... I think the sun came out for like five hours the whole six days I was there... talk about being bummed... its supposed to be sunny in Hawaii!

So I check everyday... and hope as we get closer.. that the numbers will be high and that there will be sun. I just hope that the nasty cold, rainy weather doesn't follow... please....

I've been a good girl :-)

well maybe I ended that chapter too soon...

So... just when I thought things were getting back on track... well... no I was wrong. Seems that the IUD insertion caused an infection. The doctor said I should be feeling better within 24 hours of it being put in... and here it was... Monday. and now today... I was still feeling all crampy. Today was the worst though.

So I called the doctor up... and he put me on antibiotics. Seriously... I just want this to be over! I just ugh... I'm wondering if its going to end up coming out again... and if so... just what will I do for BC then?

It just seems to be one thing after another... and I say this because I received some very upsetting news this morning after I talked with the doctor. My sister called me and told me that she found out that she has cervical cancer. This really does make my troubles seem so very small.

My sister can be obnoxious... opinionated... overbearing... but I love her. She's a cool person and I hate to see this happen to her. I don't know what I'd do if we lost her... I really don't want to think that... we don't know the the extent of it just yet. It's just hard not to think about that... and I know its in the back of her mind as well.

All I can do is hope that they can get it and she will be ok. She has two children, they are not very young... but they still not adults either. Children should never have to lose a parent at such a young age.

So yeah, I'm going to hope for the best. We need the best.

a glimpse

The alarm goes off... snooze is it... several times. I was never a snoozer until I met Ben. I always know how many of them I can have before I truly HAVE to get up. I roll out of bed reluctantly... not wanting to leave the warm bed that I share with my husband. Lucky man, he gets to still sleep... for me it is time to start my day... and leave for work.

~~~~~~

Work is crazy... the manager had a death in the family.. and so therefore, I end up having to help bake. Diane is back at the bench baking with me... so the day is going by rather quickly. She makes a phone call to her friend who just had a baby only twelve hours earlier.

"Is he cute?", she asks.... I laugh at her... and ask her what new mother doesn't think their baby is cute? I mean.. really.

~~~~~~

Lunch has come and gone... the end of the day is approaching way too quickly work wise.. but good that I get to be going home soon. We're making cream cakes.. which in all reality all they are is oversized pudding rings. We're trying to make the process go quicker and so we're scooping the batter together.

I keep dropping some on her arm... not meaning to of course... I told her... if I really meant to... I would drop my whole handful on her.

~~~~~~~

In the car on the way home... I'm pretty tired... I worked really hard.. and honestly all I want to do is go home. I'm driving Ben's car which has a quarter tank of gas... I know the nice thing to do is to get gas for him so he doesn't have to early in the morning when its colder out.

I'm torn.. and the closer I get to gas station does not bring any decision. The internal conflict goes on until I turn into the station... I guess I'm filling up his tank.

~~~~~~~

At home its the usual family stuff. The kids being kids... trying to get dinner started.

"What are we having for dinner Momma?", the youngest asks.

"Food", I respond... just as I always do when she asks. She cocks her head to the side and give me a yeah right look.

"Just tell me", she says.

"I told you, food." She eyeballs the mean I'm preparing, "Tacoes?".

"Nope."

"Spaghetti!!!", she exclaims.. its going to be an easy dinner night for once.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids are finally in bed... and its time to truly relax. Ben and I are on the couch watching a show. His legs are on my lap... all kicked back and relaxed. I feel his toe brush over my nipple... I let out a sigh and close my eyes. Feels so good.

I look over at him as he stops and looks all innocent. I smile and turn back to the tv. Again I feel his toe teasing my now very hard nipple. I don't look over this time... only enjoy the sensation of his tease.

~~~~~~~~~

After our shower.. getting ready to go to sleep.. I lay across the bed... my face against the mattress. I smell him... that scent that drives me mad and turns me into a cat in heat. I just lay there and sniff (yes I'm strange like that).

"It smells like you baby", I say.

"Well who else would it smell like?", Ben asks.

"I dunno."

"You're getting my side of the bed wet", talking about the wet head that I am sporting. He grabs his pilling and puts it down on top of my head, fluffing it. And let me tell you.. this pillow is like SUPER heavy.. you could kill someone with this thing.

~~~~~~~~~

Facing each other... we touch... his hand rubbing up and down my spine. The wave of arousal washes over me and I am his... without a doubt. We kiss... not hot and heavy... but slow and intense. Our hands explore one another's body.... I'm engulfed in his every move.

His hand moves up and grasps the side of my neck... firmly. I feel the wetness grown between my legs... the twinge of need. He lets go... and adjusts his hold.... getting a good handful of of my scruff. I am in awe and in lust of him... of the power that he has over me.

Again, he readjusts... this time both his hands find their way around my neck.. cutting off my air. The rush of the lack of air comes over me and I signal him to let go.... I feel faint for a breif second... and in my head.... I hear myself ask more... more please... do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~

We're on our backs... my arm draped over his stomach. The other free hand is intertwined with his... laying there in our afterglow... the bliss that great sex brings.

"What are you thinking?", curiously I ask.

"About how good you feel in my arms"

"MMmm yes, me too."

My eyes still closed.. I sigh..., "You know baby... this is the best part of my day. Laying in bed with you.. the house is quiet... and its just us... together."

"I know what you mean... it's mine too."

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still unstable but I manage to roll out of bed to clean up. He meets me at the end, I smile and lean into him.... bumping our heads into each other. We chuckle, that giggle that lovers share.... that only they can... when something silly has happened, but its not ackward... it's almost sweet.

We kiss and hug... our naked bodies pressed against each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I can hear the tell-tale sign that he is drifting off to sleep. He almost always does this before me. I turn a bit... he stirs.... I tell him I love him... and good night. He, the same.

I roll over followed by my beloved and am encased in his arms... again I sigh and smile... soon I'll be asleep.

How the kinky met the.... not so kinky

First off... Happy 2009... a fresh start and so forth. It feels like just another day to me... but... yeah. I hope everyone is feeling well on this rainy New Year's Day... I know Ben... is not.

So last night we had a poker party as stated in my previous post. Everyone filed in shortly after 8... booze in tow... and few donned my party attire... but the ones who did were to coolest kids in the house (hehe... I, of course, was one of the few).

We had a mixed bunch last night... a handful of our kinky friends, some of Ben's work buddies (non judgemental ones), and my sister and brother-in-law. My sister is kind of a prude.. she can be fun sometimes... but other times... she is the type of person who if its not something she's into... then its gross or wrong.

Very early on in the night it came out that I swallow.. she thought this was gross. The way I see it... if your man is willing to go down on YOU then how is it any different.... poor brother-in-law. But whatever... if that's how she wants to be... sexually closed off... that is her problem and she is the one missing out on lots of fun times.

The drinks poured and lots of poker was played. It was a really fun night.. filled with laughter.. (and some snorting... heh...). One of our chairs fell apart on someone... which was funny as hell. Apparently I was fondled while my eyes were covered.... and yes.. there's a picture to prove it. Ben got totally wasted... poor thing.. I've seen him drunk... but never seen him get sick. Last night was a first for that. I hate that I couldn't do anything for him- but that was after everyone went home.

At some point in the night.... we were throwing around streamers... and Ben wrapped some around my throat from behind and pulled. My sister was like "looks like he's into bondage tonight"... which is shocking coming from her.. she was totally cool last night. That was awesome. BUT all our kinky friends were over on their part of the table giggling their asses off at that one... if she only knew.

We did watch the ball drop... and had champaign.. which I hate.. but took a sip of. All in all it was one hell of a fun night. It went off without any issues.. and I'm so thankful for that. You just never know what will happen when you get a group of different types of people together. They just all proved to me what great people they all are... and why we have them in our lives.

So, good bye to 2008... and hello 2009... I hope that this year is just as good as the last... if not better. I look forward to many fun.... touching... and erotic moments... and wish you all the same!

Merry Christmas!

I know I've been a terrible blogger as of late... but with the holidays here.. its really just been a mad house. The weather has been crazy and trying to make sure we're ready for Christmas... just keeps me from actually having time to blog. Hopefully things will get back to normal afterwards.

With that said... I wish all of you a very happy holidays. I hope that it is everything you hoped for and more and that you are blessed with time with family and friends.

I know that we will be having a great day tomorrow.... so far.. I think this has been one of the best Christmases I've ever had. I think that the snow had a part in that.. butttt its just been a good one all around filled with lots of good memories.

Oh and I got my first white Christmas... only took me almost thirty years to do it.

One wonders, why must a good thing made bad?

Well its the day after Thanksgiving.. and that means only one thing here in the United States. It's Black Friday. Now, I personally love getting up early and shopping.. finding great deals... and even though I may miss out on a deal or two... I certainly do not let that get me down.

All my family met up with Ben and I this morning... lists in hand... our plan of attack in mind. We waited outside in the cold and at 5 a.m. we filed into the store in an orderly fashion. As always, it was warm inside.... but even more hot than normal with all those people... it was down right uncomfortable.

We managed to get everything on our list but the Nintendo DS my oldest daughter wants. We found a short line to check out in... and headed out... all in less than a hour. I'm pretty proud of that.

From, there we picked up my niece and checked out the next store. After we grabbed some breakfast and headed to the game store to pick up the system and scoop up the next deal... buy two get one free games. We were.. oh.. fifteenth in line to get in... and ended up waiting forty-five minutes to check out.. yuck.

We stopped at several other places and the mall after that. I'd say we have about eighty-five percent of our Christmas shopping done now... which is no small feat I must say when you have two children. So overall I'm very pleased with that.

HOWEVER...

Once we got home... I got online and read through the news and such. I stumbled across something that just made me sick.. and angered me. Apparently this morning in New York a WalMart worker was trampled to death after a group of shoppers literally busted down the doors. This makes me so very sad. I don't see how saving $50 is worth that. Why would someone do such a thing. I mean I understand wanting to get that good deal... but to break down a door and run people over... that is just beyond me.

I know that I could never live knowing that I helped murder an innocent person just to save my pocket book a few bucks. How must those people feel about themselves... and do they even care that a life is lost now? For what? A new tv? A Cabbage Patch doll? Give me a break.

I just shake my head.... there really are no words to convey just how wrong this is. I hope that who ever was involved goes home... and feel much regret.... that they think of that person everyday... and know that there is nothing they can do to change that- just because they needed to get that laptop for their kid.

This is exactly the kind of shit that gives us bad names. Just not right.

fall is here!

I love fall... and it never ceases to amaze me how much. The crispness of the air... the chill on the wind.... the sunny days and even the gray ones.... and most of all... the color of the leaves. I just LOVE looking at the colors.... it makes me feel very peaceful.

I was driving home from work today... and I felt like I could sit and stare at the trees for hours. It's just so wonderful to me... I can't really explain it. It's certainly my favorite season of the year. I'm lucky enough to live in a part of the United States that has distinct seasons. None of which are super extreme in either temperature range... which is nice.

Today is one of those gray days.. one where I wanted to stay home on the couch, drink hot chocolate, and read my book. OR... even better would have been curled up on the couch with Ben. Alas, neither happened today.... work intervened into that dream. I guess that makes the days we can do that even more special.

I don't see that coming in the near future... we have a full weekend ahead of us... and soon things will be hopping with the holidays. I know that my sister and I always go overboard at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We spend days leading up to the holiday baking and such. The thing that's kinda dumb about it is this....

We have a snack table set up first thing. It contains veggies... crackers.. cheeses... meat rolls... sausage... sweet stuff... all sorts of stuff. We all end up eating all day long and are stuffed by the time that the actual meal rolls around... let alone dessert. So we spent those days preparing for this... to have all this yummy food and desserts... and we don't even end up eating half of it. We almost always end up having to take dessert home.

It is great fun though. I just love spending time with my family. We spend the whole day cooking... and bs'ing. We play games around the table and just chatter. On Thanksgiving we always scope out the Black Friday ad's and plan out our attack on the following day of shopping.

On Christmas we spend around four hours opening presents and there is always one scavenger hunt... it became a tradition about four or five years ago. This year my children and niece and nephew will be the recipients of that honor (giggles).

So yeah.. I didn't mean for this to become what it has... I totally planned on talking about my love for Fall. It turns out that for the first time in several years... I am stoked about the impending holidays... and for that.. I truly am thankful. There is nothing like spending time with the people you love...