this girl's life

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Because every night isn't something outta an erotica blog....

I laid there in bed... Ben's arm draped over me. I could feel the warmth of his body as he scooted closer to me. His cock managed to mold into the crease of my ass... fitting there like it's where it belonged. It's very own haven.

At first... my mind wandered.. thinking of random stuff as I often do before I fall asleep.. but tonight.. that wasn't going to work. I became acutely aware of his body.. and I could feel the warmth grow between my legs. That deep seeded need to feel his cock deep inside of me awoke... just as I was awake.

I knew it wasn't going to happen.... but that certainly didn't mean I didn't WANT it to happen. I laid there listening to the rhythm of his breathing.. trying to focus on that.. and not the gnawing need to roll over and rape him. This, however, proved not to be very distracting.

I couldn't lay like that anymore.. there was no way I was falling asleep with him against me. I wiggled free and with an almost fluid motion.. we both rolled over. I wrapped my arm around him.. getting as close as I could. And still after minutes passed... I was no closer to sleep. All I could think of at this point was that I wanted to just fall asleep. I wanted to dream of other things than desire... to rest...because I obviously was not getting the other need met.

Damn it. Sometimes one just needs to get fucked... in order to fall asleep. Alas... I finally gave up and got up hoping that tiredness will over take me so when I do finally go back to bed.. fucking him will not be all I can think of. (wow that was quite the run-on sentence!)

HNT: little black panties

What wonders are within.

reality.... it's a tough decision

I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind... that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control... ie... am I actually getting laid? And really... I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.

It's just been one thing after another... and I'm just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely... and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes... yes it is... but it's how I feel this very moment. It's maddening... and I hate it.

I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with... that are far worse than mine... but that doesn't make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really... if I never had to take birth control again... I'd be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I'd have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all.... I mean... it wasn't till this year that I even had the slightest problem.

So that lends to... why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling... and the effects didn't fully go away till probably a week ago.

I never went into details about it all... but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex... but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me... because I've always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case... I didn't know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn't come back... and if I didn't I wasn't sure how that would reflect on my life.

I pride myself on my sexual side... always have. Without that... I wouldn't be complete. That sounds weird... but that's how I see myself. I am a sexual creature.... plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there... it was hard to handle.

So here I am... exhausted from it all. It's time to make a tough decision... one that scare me.

I've decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with... I don't ever want to go through this again... and this seems like the best way. My body... my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can't expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that... I made my decision.

I'm scared shitless..... to say the least. But I can't keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn't going to work. My consult is on October 5.... wish me luck... cause I'm certainly going to need it.

And the fun continues...

My body hates me.

No more IUD... didn't even last two weeks...

Birth control sucks.


HNT: white apron

I wear a white apron everyday....
Just like the one above...
I do this so I keep clean...
cause honestly...
I get into my work.

With or without that though...
I'm a very dirty girl...

No apron will change that.


I'm hurting.

Not in a way that most people will completely understand.. as the situation is not unheard of but is certainly unorthodox.

Back story.

I was married before to the wrong person. I cannot say this is a mistake... as many good things came from this time in my life. He got me away from a place and family that I no longer wanted to be around... that wasn't healthy for me. He brought me to his home... into his family.

I bonded with these people... I became part of the family... I was his parent's daughter.. not daughter in law... I was his sister's sister... in fact I was way closer to them... than my ex ever was. We spent every holiday together... had game nights.. bbq's... they were the family I never had.. and always wanted. And all of a sudden.. this was my reality.

The only thing that was wrong about it was... him. So when I left him... I still stayed close with them.. because that's what we all wanted (ex not included in such sentiment). It was tough.. there were a lot of uncomfortable moments... which never really went away. BUT. I loved these people and still very much wanted to be there.

As the time passed and Ben came into the picture.. this still continued... them welcoming him into the family as if it had always been that way. Holidays with the ex became even more difficult but some how we managed to make it work. Why? Because we are family and that's what families do.

In the past year... I'd say just after the first of the year... things have become more unbearable on my part. You see, my ex has lived at his parents house for all of the time we've been separated except for maybe six months (and that's not all at once). Even after the divorce I would go over and just sit and visit... but as the years passed.. this became harder and harder.

I was always told I was welcome there no matter what.. but its honestly very hard to sit in that house while he's there. After a while.. I just stopped going over to visit. Get togethers started getting fewer... and all of a sudden today I realized that I haven't spent time with them since Ben's birthday in July. We didn't do any summer holidays together.... it was probably Easter before that. His sister and her husband came over for poker in June I think... and we had all of the gradation stuff. That was really the last time we spent time as a family together.

Today I also noticed something while in the dining room waiting for the kids to get their stuff together (his parents insist on taking care of the kids when I work and they don't have school)... I realized that I hate going there now. I'm always in a hurry to get home. I always feel so uncomfortable now... like I'm in a house of strangers.

I cannot begin to explain how much this hurts and breaks my heart. I could write on this forever... I've always wanted a family... one that loves me.. and that I'm truly a part of. I had this.. and I feel like I've lost it. My heart is in a million pieces right now... I dunno how to fix this... or even if I can.

I know if I talked to them... they would say I'm being silly... but you can't change how you feel. And I can't make them do things differently... I can't make them mold to be what they were or what I want them to be. People change and evolve.. and sometimes... they do so in a way that you don't like. This seems to be the case...

Or maybe... I'm the one who has changed...


I often wonder how anyone finds my blog. I know that over time.. my obsession of blogs has formed that I've ran across many blogs. The thing about it is.. I really don't remember how I found most of them. I wonder if that's true for everyone... that they don't remember how the stumbled across someone's personal space on the world wide web.

I know that I generally only give only give a new blog one or two posts.. and if I can't grab my attention.. I move on. I wonder how many would be readers I've missed because of few boring or bad posts between the ones I deem good. I'm sure I am not alone in that action... and I'm sure that most people will give it less than one post. But. I could be wrong.

Anyways.. the point... the point is... I just wonder how you found my blog. I would be interested in finding out.. IF you remember. :-)

HNT: together

No matter what comes our way..
Despite what trials we shall encounter..
I know that we'll always face them together.

No matter what.

HNT: invitation

Spreading my legs.. I call you to me... inviting you to touch the softness of my thighs..
Inviting you to venture further... to the wetness that grows between my legs..
Inviting you to fill me... to take my breath away as you completely impale me...

the plan

So.. here's the 4-1-1.

I went to my appointment yesterday.. and it was realllly hot in that damn room (though.. it really could have just been me). I got in pretty quickly.. which was nice. That doesn't happen very often. When the doctor came in... she looked at me... and said "I've never met anyone with so many birth control issues... you poor thing.".

Yep. Poor me indeed... poor Ben too.

I gave her an update to where we are now. Trying to figure out what to do next was pretty hard. I'm really running myself out of options.

The Pill- I got pregnant with my youngest daughter
Depo- I really REALLY don't wanna gain weight (and with recent issues... I don't want to stick hormones in my body that I cannot take out.. riding that out could be very bad)
IUD- well.. apparently my body hates them now
Nuvaring- yeah... we wont go there
the patch- significant chance of blood clots... um yeah

She asked if we wanted more children.. I said no. She then asked if I had considered getting my tubes tied. Honestly.. I have... and well it scares the shit out of me. So that's a no go. She asked about other permanent option where they place a spring in each tube.. and have scar tissue seal them. I had a friend that went that route and said it was terribly painful.. that she wished she had the tubal. So that isn't an option either.

Ben and I have planned for him to get the snip... we have different insurance... and his sucks. So we have to save up for it.. so that doesn't help us right now. So in reality we just have to get something to get us through the first of the year.

This led me to decide.. maybe I should get another IUD. I mean.. the only problems I had with it was that they don't want to stay in. They do, however, stay in a few months at least...which should get me through.

The doctors concern is that it can be up to a month before I can have another placed and prescribed the pill to take up the down time. So... I start that tonight and hope that it works till I get another IUD.

I cannot tell you how worried I am about trying a new BC that I haven't tried... after what has happened. I really don't want to have another week like I had.. it was horrible. I can't wait till this is over and I don't have to deal with hormones... that are not ones I already had that is.

I just have to remember there is an end in sight... this time next year ideally I won't have this problem.