this girl's life

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sorry- Im back

So I must apologize for my absence of late... I have not been feeling well. Apparently spring as arrived and it has been kicking my ass. I just love allergies... but anyways, I am feeling better and trying to get back into the posting groove. Please bear with me.

Right before I started feeling bad last weekend.. I had quite an experience. We were on the couch watching Resident Evil Apocalypse and I got a wild hair up my ass to put my hair in pigtails. I'm not really sure where it came from... but once in a while I do like to do it.

I joked with Ben that they were handle bars and he laughed with me. Little did I know, they would be later.

I wasn't completely enthralled with the movie... we've seen it before... it was just on to pass the time. My mind raced with thoughts of feeling Ben inside of me... of him taking me and using me. I felt the lust grow in my body and mind... so much it was all I could focus on.

I let my hand wander over to him.... rubbing his leg... letting it go further... rubbing his cock through his jammie pants. I grinned over at him with my "I want to fuck" look. He asked me if I indeed wanted something. I shook my head yes feeling very little girlish.

His attention went back to the tv. I upped my game. I scooted over and leaned in to kiss his neck softly. I couldn't contain myself though and attacked his neck with heavy kisses... feeling the urge in me growing.

My lips trailed up his neck and to his lips where they locked in a passionate kiss. After a minute he pulled back and put his hand up.

"Not right now", he said gently. I didn't listen and went to lean back in.

"No", his gentleness melted away and became confident but stern. I pulled back pouting.

I sat in my spot.. glancing over at him every few minutes before I couldn't wait... and I found myself with my body pressed against him kissing his neck again.

"I said no", Ben commanded pushing me back firmly but not hurting me. I sat back and put my head against his bent knee. I looked at him begging with my eyes almost... trying to show him how badly that I wanted him.

I felt like a little girl completely... wanting a piece of candy but being told I couldn't have it. Begging for it... but still not getting it.

"Not now, later", he said. I looked at him with big eyes... then shut them turning my face to the seat... I nuzzled his knee with my head gently feeling ever so submissive. I then sat up.... waiting impatiently for when I could have him.

I waited maybe ten minutes.... then I leaned back into him receiving another stern no. All of me wanted him to pull me over his lap and spank me for being such a bad girl... for not listening to him. This didn't happen.

Finally the movie ended and we got up to shower. I stood in the way of him walking into the bathroom. Ben wrapped his arms around my body and began massages my breasts. I leaned against him.. feeling his strong body holding me... and just let go. I was wet and willing to do whatever he wanted.

He kissed my neck.... making my pussy ache for his cock.... it was so close... yet I didn't have it. He pushed me forward into the bathroom. Once in there he spun me around and then used my pigtails to push me down. He pulled out his erect cock and I eagerly took it in.

He wrapped his hands around my pigtails and pulled my head into him. I sucked him hard and fast... just what he wanted.. taking him deep into my mouth. I got a few good sucks in before he was pulling me to my feet and turning me back around.

He plunged his cock into my dripping hole. Finally... fulfillment. I met his bucking with my hips... I fucked him feverishly... not taking a moment to breathe almost. However, this did not last long... I guess it was intended to be more of a tease. He pulled out and left me feeling empty. He told me to start the shower... which I did.

Sitting on the edge of the tub... my eyes were transfixed on his beautiful member. I wanted it in my mouth again... to taste my juices on it. The shower was running... I stood and stripped.. then promptly dropped to my knees, turned him to me... and had him ram his cock down my throat again.

This time it was my turn to tease... a few good sucks... and I stood and climbed in the shower.

I washed up diligently... he joined me in there also washing. All the while I was thinking of all the nasty things I wanted to do to him and vice versa. After we were all clean... he kissed me.. signaling that he was getting out.

I wasn't having that. I grabbed his hips and down to my knees I went.... taking just the tip in my mouth this time. He placed his hand on the back of my head and buried my face in his hips. I could feel the water beating down on my back..... every sense of mine was alive with feeling.

I stopped... looked up at him and grinned. He pulled me to him.. kissed me softly and got out of the shower.

I followed him shortly after... and this little girl got her justs desserts :-)


Ben and I were laying in bed the other night talking before going to sleep. One of his co-workers had recently separated from his wife. It was kind of a surprise to us because they seemed so happy for one... and had been together for over ten years. This got me to thinking about relationships in general. Nothing in love is 100%- no matter how much you want it to be. This is why love is a risk... you jump in and hope for the best.

I'm not saying that Ben and I don't have what it takes to make it. We are completely committed to each other with deep love, respect, and trust. What I am saying is that life throws curve balls at you and one never knows what will happen.

So this got me to thinking about something. If I could see the future and see if indeed we will always be together, would I? I thought about it for some time and realized I wouldn't. The what ifs were too much for me. Would it make you spend everyday after finding out wondering if that day was the day that we'd end? It could be years before this happen, but what I not appreciate the time we did have? Would I squander it based off my knowledge? My end decision came off that fear and the belief that our love can transcend time.

Ben was undecided... bringing up a valid point. Would this knowledge make you work harder to make it work? Would you just completely avoid the event that caused the demise of the relationship? I think if it came down to it... he would choose no.

This took us to other stuff on a bigger level. God. When I was a child I used to attend church often. I believed there was a God and that there was life after death, in heaven. The older I got my faith dwindled. I still believed there was a God but that religion was overrated and full of hypocrites.

Such as... how can a word be a bad thing? How can the word shit, damn, fuck be bad? They are just words. The basic premise of religion is good... like don't kill and steal. They are good guidelines to live your life to be a good person. I think its silly to think I would go to hell for cursing. Who is someone to tell me how to live my life?

And sex... why is sex before marriage a bad thing? Humans were made to procreate... that is our purpose. How does having a piece of paper make it all of a sudden okay to have sex? I understand that a commitment is good to have but what sin is it to enjoy what we were made for? I just don't get that.

Is there life after death? Is there a heaven and hell? Is there really a God that looks over us and loves us? And if there is... why would he or she for that matter let horrible things happen, like children being molested? I understand that its been compared to being a parent and that a parent must let their children make mistakes. BUT isn't it also a parent's responsibility to protect their children? Would a parent let their child knowingly (because supposedly God is all knowing) be molested? Somehow I think thats a load of crap.

And life in general... if you could get the answer to life.. if there is a God.. if there is life after death... is your death date determined the day of your birth...that kind of stuff... would your brain be able to comprehend it? Or, would it be too much to handle and this is the reason why we cannot ever know.

Our conversation went on for a bit before we decided it was time to sleep. These things still linger with me though... I'm sure I'll never have the answers I seek.


The mind is a tricky thing.... funny because of what it allows you to remember. I seem to have things where I dont really remember first times very well. Its kind of odd... and I wish I could remember them... though, in some cases... this is a good thing.

Take the night I lost my virginity for instance. I was 15 and it was Valentine's Day. My boyfriend at the time was much older than me and looking back now... it was so obviously a mistake, but you can't tell a lovestruck teenager anything. They do as they please because they think they are in love.

Needless to say.... I was ready for my virginity to be taken. I remember walking down my dirt driveway hand in hand... staring up at the stars with a nervousness that I cannot describe. I knew something was going to happen.... and that scared and thrilled me in the same moment.

I remember stopping our stroll and him kissing me deeply. We made out for a bit then ended up going behind the house for a bit more privacy. We sat under a pine tree... his hands roaming. I know at some point they managed their way into my my pants to my willing pussy.

From there I know we went into the house, my mother was out for the night. We ended up on my bed. It was dark. I remember it hurt... and I remember laying there afterward... but not really what I felt or thought. And that is it... thats all I remember.

I chalk my loss of memory up to my loathing of this particular ex and all the horrible things he would later do to me. I spent many nights wishing I could erase him from my past, yet I am who I am now because of this moment in my life- just as any moments in my life. So, I live and learn from the path I choose.... mistakes and all.

On that same level, I don't really remember my bondage experience. I remember Joe asking me if I was sure I wanted to do that and to make sure that I was only hooking up with him for just sex. I did just that... and always did. It would be him that would later betray that.... and develop feelings for me. They weren't the typle of feelings that make you get together, but the ones that make you wonder what it would be like if you did.

Nothing about that night are in my mind... and I have no idea why that is. I wish I could remember. All of our escapades were always so fun and exciting.. and I don't doubt one minute that it was as well. It hadn't really occurred to me that I had forgotten this until I really started thinking about all the firsts I've ever had.

The most important first, was that of the one with my husband that I made sure to embed into my mind, so that I never loose that moment. It was so powerful and wonderful.... I would be devastated if I was to loose it.

Other firsts I don't remember... first day of school.... the first whole day I moved to the town I live in now..... my first day at my current job... oh what a bad memory I have. I guess it doesn't matter unless I forget the important things.

just what I wanted

Saturday night I was feeling particularly rambunctious. Ben had worked late, and I was home.... horny and anxious for him to get there. I texted him and said hello... said I was ready for him to get home. He responded that he wanted to be as well.. in which I replied that I was horny. He responds... I love you. What the fuck? I was bummed he didn't want to play my game of getting each other riled up. Who answers that comment with I love you?

When he finally got home we talked about what to have for dinner. We decided to go and get something non-healthy cause neither of us wanted to actually cook. After returning with our food we settled down to watch Mina's First Time... if you haven't seen this movie... do. It was way better than I expected.

When the movie was over we sat and talked a bit and then I brought up the text. I was feeling playful so I told him I wasn't going to talk to him. We joked a bit and then got up. He turned off the light in the living room and said something about a shower. I didn't want to take a shower yet, but decided to just go along with it.

I kept my mouth shut as we stripped and did our pre-shower rituals (we're weird... we have routines for EVERYTHING). I climbed into the shower and started washing up. Ben came in very shortly and said something to me. I just smiled and looked off.

"Oh, you're not going to talk to me huh?", he said slightly amused. I just glanced back over at him smiling and kept washing.

I finished showering before him but always linger to stand in the warm water till after he gets out. I started to poke at him playfully and giggling. He rinsed off... and I kept bugging him... thoroughly enjoying myself.

This is where he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my head gently sideways. I was quite happy about this.... it was about time he figured out what I wanted. He pulled me to him and got within inches of my lips... tempting me.. I tried to lean forward to kiss his lips but he'd just pull himself back.

He teased me like this for a few minutes then dove in for a deep kiss. I sighed with relief and pleasure... feeling the breath leave my body. He broke the kiss before I was ready and I let out a whine.

He moved his arm to be able to control me better... pushing me slowly to my knees. His wet cock stood up in front of me... taunting me... making me want to suck it into my mouth. I didn't move... he was going to make me.... even if its what I really wanted.

"Suck my cock", he ordered and pushed my head towards it. I felt the grip on my hair become tighter urging me to do as I was told. And so I did. I wrapped my lips around it... taking his cock all the into my mouth.

He told me he was going to fuck my face and to be ready. He glided in and out a few times then violently slammed his hips against my face over and over... pounding me with such force I wanted just to stop and take deep breaths... but I also didn't want him to stop. I was torn.

Finally it stopped and he pulled me to my feet. I looked him in the eye.... feeling very submissive. He had this look on his face... such confidence.... such command... it was such a turn on. He kissed me deeply again then pushed me back to my knees.

Again, he shoved his cock in my face and obediently took it into my mouth. It seemed only a few minutes passed before he pulled back from me. I didn't look up. He pulled the shower open and stepped out... I stayed on my knees till he pulled the curtain back shut.

My mind was aflutter with thoughts of what was going to happen next. As the warm water cascaded down my skin, I shut my eyes and dreamed of what I wanted. Shortly the water started running cold and so I turned it off and opened the curtain.

There he stood.... completely naked... I couldn't possibly want him more. I squeezed the water out of my hair began drying off. I wasn't even half finished when he grabbed the back of my neck and forced me to my knees again. I took him in hungrily wanting every inch in my mouth... to make him ache to want to be inside of me.

Apparently I did my job because he grabbed my hair and pulled me to my feet again... turning me around. He pushed my head down so that I was bent at the waist... I grabbed to side of the tube to steady myself. He used his foot to spread my feet further apart then slammed his cock deep inside of me. I let out a moan that almost sounded like a scream. The sudden fullness was wonderful and I didn't want him to stop.

He pounded into me for a bit then pulled out, grabbed my hair, and once again I found myself kneeling before him. He instructed me to taste how good my pussy was and slide slowly into my mouth. I have always loved the taste of my pussy on his cock and so I made sure to taste every bit that was given to me.

Ben had enough and pulled me to my feet again... our lips connected for a few seconds and then he pulled back. I too stepped back.. which was a mistake. He turned me around and had me bend over again. I, of course, thought I was going to feel him slip inside of me... yet instead I was met with a hard slap on my ass.

"That was for moving", he said... almost cold.. then wrapped his hands around my wet hair pulling me up.
"Where's your collar at?".

I told him where it was and he grabbed the back of my neck. I begged him to let me to put some deodorant and he obliged then disappeared out of the bathroom. He re-entered holding my collar. Ben turned me around and wrapped it around my neck... fastening it tightly around my neck. Any tighter, and it would have cut off my airflow. He turned it so that the D-ring was in the back then grabbed it...dragging me behind him.

This is where the real fun began. He shoved me over and slammed into me again... though it was short lived and more of a tease than fulfillment. Again, on my knees sucking his cock which I totally don't mind, I'm a bit of a cock whore. He pulled away and climbed on the bed.. laying on his back. He told me to come to him and suck his cock. I obeyed.

As I was sucking, he told me to go find the tightest pair of panties I had and bring them back to him. I stopped and crawled off the bed to the dresser. I sat on my knees digging through trying to find the right pair.

Before I knew it, he was behind me... hair in hand and slid back into me... distracting me from my task. What a distraction! A few pumps later, he pulled out and I went back to digging. He went back to his spot on the bed.

When I found the correct pair, I crawled back on the bed and brought them to him. He told me to put them on and pick out one of the two vibrators he had pulled out of the drawer. He said after I picked one, to insert it in my pussy and use the panties to hold them in place. I did so. I could feel the vibration deep inside me... and it was hard to be sitting up like he wanted. He had me lift up a little and he giggled the vibrator. I screamed with pleasure... my pussy was throbbing and oh so wet. I could have easily cum.

Next he told me to go to the kitchen and make him half of a drink and bring it back. I got up and disappeared into the kitchen to get his drink.... breathing all the way as to not cum when I was walking.

This was the first time he'd ever done this kind of control... but I was loving every minute of it. I returned with his drink and he took a long sip, then laid back on the bed with his legs hanging over the side. He told me to suck him again.... and I did so... panties shoving the vibrator deeper inside of me. I was so close to cumming.. I could barely stand it.

After a few minutes he pulled me onto the bed.... he started pushing the vibrator deeper... in and out. I screamed out.... any minute Id just loose it. Then he decided to add the other one inside of my pussy. I begged him not to... but he did it anyways.... I came instantly... it was too much to handle. I wiggled back but he followed.... not giving up on tormenting me. He tapped them both... bringing me over the edge again. I was in heaven.

Ben told me since I liked those two inside my pussy that maybe I would like three of them. I told him no... but he wasn't having it. He had me lay back and spread my legs then pulled my panties to the side and wedged his way into my already fully pussy. I let out a scream... it was all overwhelming... but not in a bad way.

He moved in and out slowly and I think he maybe have did this four or five times before I came again..... it was explosively. He seemed very pleased with this orgasm and pulled out of me. He slipped the panties off and pull the vibrators out. I let out a sigh of relief... it was nice to a break from the intensity.

Ben turned me on my side and slide back inside of me. It was wonderful to be filled again. I was so wet I could feel it rolling down my thighs. He wasn't going to waste time though... he was ready to cum.

He began fucking me hard... holding my leg as he did so. Before long... he finally exploded inside my pussy... filling me with his wonderful cum. I purred with pleasure.. knowing that I had made him feel that good.

He slipped out of me... and curled up next to me. Our legs intertwined and we laid there in our after sex glow... petting each other.... eyes shut.. enjoying a wonderful moment.

Vegas baby!

So we got married in Vegas and now have decided to visit there again for our anniversary. I love this city! It has a great feel to it.. and lets be honest.. how many cities can you walk down the street drinking? I mean... seriously! Its also one of the only places you need a neck strap to carry around a margarita. :-) This will be my third trip there. My first trip there in August of 2006 was not something that was very pleasant, but nevertheless I did fall in love with the place.

I went with my best friend at the time for her 21st birthday. It was hot obviously cause it was August... it was like in the upper 90's even at night... I was really surprised that even at night it didn't cool off. We got there around noon and made a beeline for the hotel. We stayed at Excalibur, which isn't a bad hotel but very Motel 6ish in my humble opinion. It served its purpose though... a place to lay our heads down.

We dropped our stuff off and headed out to explore the city. Pretty much from the moment that we hit Vegas, she was bitching about how hot it was... and after a while, this would wear me thin. I mean obviously its going to be hot... hello!

We hadn't eaten anything in hours and decided to get some food. We picked a buffet, Spice Market at what was at the time the Alladin. The line was long to wait in but I had heard really good things about it. She was tired, hot, and bitchy. I wanted to tell her to suck it up.. we were in Vegas.. have a good time.. but I just kept it to myself.

When we finally got in.. the food was great and we stuffed ourselves. She was a little nicer after she got food.. which was nice. We made our way out onto the strip. This is where she bitched about the hotels being so far apart. I am not sure what she really expected. I expected it to be hot.. but fun... a city with lots of potential to have fun. Little did I know at the time how much I would regret ever coming on this trip.

After an afternoon of exploring, we went back to the hotel and showered for a night out. We got all dressed up and caught a cab to a club. It was mid-week so kinda not a lot going on. They did have a live band, though, which made it more fun. We started the night of drinks with a shot of tequila followed with a watermelon pucker mixed drink. From there on.... it was all tequila sunrises for me.

We found a table... and drank drink after drink... I lost count. Im not sure what it is about that place that makes you want to drink yourself silly but it had that affect on me. By 1 am I was pretty trashed. We had been taking turns getting drinks... and it was my turn. I walked across the room... feeling pretty dizzy and sat the empty cups on the counter... next thing I knew.. there was fresh drinks. Now see, I'm not sure if I asked for the drinks or the bartender just knew... either was... it was a bit unsettling.

I went back to the table.. spilling some on my way back. We drank that down and I tried to talk her into getting another shot of tequila. She didn't, mainly cause she didn't think she could walk over there. So with that, we decided it was time to go back to the hotel.

We stumbled out... laughing all the way. A cab pulled up and we fell into it. He asked where to.. and if we had money (which I find funny.. but I guess its a good question to ask anyone drunk). We whisked off out of the parking lot... we were still laughing... at nothing, but still having fun doing it. He was driving quickly which made us fall into each other and provoked more laughing fits.

It wasn't long before he pulled up to the hotel, she paid (I paid for the ride there) and we went in. I'm sure we were quite the sight, all drunk and stumbling into each other. I remember getting about two thousand yards in and was walking by the poker pit.. they were all kind of glancing over at us. If I had been sober, I would have been very embarrassed. Luckily I wasn't.

From there, through the casino... up thirty-six floors... down to the end of the hallway... until I was sitting in between our beds... I blacked out. I had only blacked one time before.... but I was fully functional this time. It is kind of scary to think I did all that and don't remember. Apparently we were a riot on the elevator, I wish I could remember.

I called someone at this point and left a voicemail... they called me back.. but honestly... I couldn't tell you who I called. It wasn't two minutes I was off the phone before I puked on the side of her bed. The room spun.... I was the drunkest I have ever been... even to this day. From there I crawled into the bathroom and into the shower. I guess she put towels down. I didn't care about that though... all I cared about was how incredibly sick I was. Being drunk is no fun if you're sick.

I turned the shower on and laid in the bottom where I proceeded to moan in pain.. and puke some more. It was really gross... and really horrible. I felt like I was going to die. I do not know how long I stayed in the bathroom before I decided to finally get out of there.

I dried off and managed to make it back to my bed.... pulling the trashcan up next to me. It served well later throughout the night. I had waves of good sleep and then laying there trying to sleep in severe pain. I am pretty sure I had alcohol poisoning.. but not sure about that.

The next morning I insisted that my friend not stay and ruin her trip because I was sick. Lucky for her she just had a bad hangover.. apparently she can handle more liquor than me. She went out while I stayed in bed not feeling much better. Around two she came back and I decided I needed food even though the idea wasn't that great sounding.

I went and showered again.... threw up two more times.. once in the shower and then in the sink. It was lovely, let me tell you. We grabbed some lunch and decided to do some more looking around. I wasn't going to waste anymore of the day even if I felt like shit.

That night we had show tickets. It was fun... we enjoyed it very much and by then I was feeling some better... which was good. After the show we went and showered again and dressed up for another night on the town. I swore I wouldn't drink again... but of course, as dark fell.. I had a margarita in my hand. I drank it slowly and ended up throwing half of it away.

We threw out the idea of going to another club.. it just didn't seem like fun anymore. We decided to check out the fountains at Bellagio and the pirate show down at Treasure Island. We had no idea how long the strip was... but decided to walk. We changed out minds quickly and hopped onto the bus.

Tension was growing. I guess she was angry with me for being sick. But hell, she had drank as much as me.. how was I to know I would get that sick? She was pissy because of the heat and her feet hurt with the heels she had on. I wasn't feeling great either but was bound and determined to make the most of it.

We got off right before Treasure Island and walked. It was super packed in front... we couldn't see a thing. The more we drilled ourselves into the crowd... the hotter it got. It was at least fifteen degrees hotter in the pack of people. I guess she got stepped on.. which further fueled her pissy mood and turned around and walked off. I followed her.. asking her what was wrong. And this is where it happened. She started bitching at me.. fighting with me about all the things she was pissed off about. It was crazy... I can see being bummed, but pissed off?

I had enough and just stopped talking. I couldn't get my point across and she wasn't willing to really listen... so I said fuck it. We waited for the bus to go back to the hotel not speaking to one another. It pulled up and we filed on. I put a twenty into the machine.. I was going to buy a five dollar pass. What I didn't know is that it doesn't give change.. there is a sign.. but its down by the ground where you couldn't possibly see it.

I get irritated when the bus driver explains that to me. So I turned to her and took her five so that I would only be out ten dollars. She didn't understand what I was doing and proceeds to get upset with me again. I try to explain. I should have explained before I took the money, but I was pretty worked up at that point.

So I gave her a ticket and walked up the stairs to the top of the bus. I sat, she sat behind me. We did not talk the whole time. I began thinking have stupid this was and that she was my best friend. She was the only person I knew there and I was not going to spend the next couple days arguing with her.

We got close to our stop and got up and walked down the stairs. I guess she hit her head on the way down, only making her more angry. At the bottom level we were standing next to each other holding on so not to fall over. I looked at her and said I was sorry. Her response was whatever. That was enough for me.

When he got to the stop I stormed off the bus and to the elevator to the casino level. She followed after me... telling me to wait and screaming at me about all kinds of shit. I told her I wasn't going to argue with her. It was horrible. Here we are in front of all these people screaming at each other.

When we made it into the casino she took off for the room and I stayed down at the slots. I was angry and was not going to sit in that room with her. I had been sitting there for five minutes when my phone rang. It was her... she had somehow lost her room key. She asked if I could come open the room... I said sure and hung up.

I went up stairs, she was sitting on the ground and stood as she saw me walking up. I opened the door pushed it open for her and then turned and left again. This time I decided to go explore and walked over to Luxor. I called Ben... but he was asleep. I really needed him... I needed someone to talk to.. to rant to.... to make me feel better. That never happened.

After a hour of walking around I was really tired and went up to the room. She was in bed sleeping when I got in there and so I changed and crashed.

The next morning we made up... but that day stuck in my head and all I wanted to do was go home. It was no fun anymore. She showed me her true colors and I could never see her as my friend ever again. She was never the same in my eyes.

After the trip we remained friends but that did not last long. We grew apart quickly and at some point stopped talking all together. Most people said it was because she was jealous of the relationship Ben and I had. I think I tend to agree. I think there are some people that just cannot be happy for you.

Anyways... despite that, I did like it there and was determined to go again and have a blast. The next time I was in Vegas, I was marrying my Ben. This trip was a million times better. I hesitate to use the word perfect, but it really was.

So, yep... we're off to Vegas again... in less than a month! I cannot wait to get away from work and life and just have fun. Hopefully I will have a few good stories to tell when I get back!

bandwagon time

I doubt ever so seriously that tons of people read my blog.... and thats ok... I believe it takes time to build up to that kind of status and I'm ok with that!

Anyway, I have been trying very hard to not jump on the bandwagon, but I really want to! So, with that.... apparently its question and answer month. If there is anything you want to know, feel free to ask... I do reserve the right not to answer, but most likely, I will :-)

the little things

Its always the little things that matter the most in my opinion. For instance, like having a note left saying to have a good day on your car keys or a call in the middle of the day just to say hello. I think the little things make a person who they are... like how they eat a sandwich or how the squeeze the toothpaste out. It all matters.. it all means something.

Sunday morning we were getting ready to go help my father-in-law find a new car. We had sat around for a bit but it was time to get up and get moving. Ben was on the couch finishing up on the laptop. I walked over and got onto my knees and nuzzled my face against his side. He had no shirt on.. and his warm skin against my face felt good.... his aroma is intoxicating... and I was instantly turned on.

I moved my lips just so they brushed against his nipple... I could tell he wasn't expecting it because he flinched a little. It didn't matter though... I took a nipple between my lips and teased it... you see.. this is Ben's "spot"... and I love teasing him that way. He ran his fingers through my hair. I love the way his body responds to my touch... to my lips... its exciting.

Before I knew it.. he was grabbing my hair and pulling my head back. He told me that was enough that we had to go.... I whined but got to my feet. We went into the bedroom to change clothes. He stripped off his jammie pants and my hands began to wander. He playfully was pushing me away. I knew he was enjoying the attention as much I was giving it.

Before he could do anything to keep me at bay, I dropped to my knees and sucked his hard cock into my mouth... I did so for a few minutes then stopped... grinned up at him and stood.

"Ok, lets get dressed then", was my answer to that.

Ben wasnt having that though and twirled me around and shoved my face first into the bed... ass out in the air and slammed into my pussy. It was exactly what I wanted... I wanted him to force me... to show me that my teasing would get my ass taken.

This didn't last long though.... after about five minutes, he gave me one last good thrust then quickly pulled out... leaving me wanting more. It was more of a tease than I had done.... he had not cum and I certainly had not either.

"Lets get ready now", he said as I turned and kissed him. He was in charge without a doubt and just something simple as that made me realize just how much in charge he is when it comes to these things.

Yesterday we were still at it.... our second day out and I was about tired of doing it. His Dad kept changing his mind and it was just getting irritating . When we finally found the car he would finally buy... we were sitting at the table while the dealership drew up the papers.

Ben was standing beside me gently stroking my hair... it was so calming. I love when he touches me like that.. when he rubs my face or caresses me in a soft way. I leaned my head against him and he weaved his fingers in my hair. It was very soft and caring at first then I felt him grab a handful of my hair and pulled just a bit.

I had a twinge of lust rip through my body.... and I just grinned up at him... shooting him a lustful look. In that glance he knew exactly what I was thinking- that he could take me right there and I wouldn't object. He only did it once though, and left me wanting more.

See.. the little things. Its the little ways he shows me his dominance and love for me. The fact he knows how those things make me feel brings me such pleasure. He knows me so well... better than anyone ever has... I feel so lucky to have that in my life.


Yesterday one of my friends from work informed us that his mother passed away the night before. When he came in I could tell he was not his normal chipper self but I wouldn't have guessed his mom had died. He was holding it together so well. He told us that she was old, in her 80's, and he knew it was coming. It really surprised me how well he was doing... though, I'm sure appearances are deceiving.

Today we bought him a card and some coffee.... we couldn't really think of anything else to accompany the card. After we purchased it, we went to where he was and gave them to him. He seemed so thankful... it felt good to give him something to smile about.

However, in the same moment he was thanking us, he took a drink of his coffee... and burnt his mouth. Being the funny guy he is.. he of course made a joke about it and we all laughed. He proceeded to tell us a story about his mom when he was a child and sat his drink down. Unfortunately, he set it on the edge of something and it tipped... shooting the coffee at his groin.

We were way worried that he burned himself badly.... but in true form... he made another joke. After we were sure he was ok... it was quite funny. It looked like he had peed himself... and funny because this nice, thoughtful thing we were trying to do.... ended up being something painful for him. We got a good story to tell from it though.

I had later talked to him and asked him how he was doing and when he was heading down for the funeral. We chatted a bit... he told me he was going to speak at the service. He had been trying to think of things to say and said he was going write it down later today. I told him about when my father died and about my experience, hoping in some way he could see I understood what he was going through.

My father and I were never very close. When I became an adult we had a better relationship, but it still could not be described as a good relationship. Still, he was my father and I respected him for that.

I had moved away about a year before he passed away.... almost 3,000 miles away. I think that I took away the few things he had left to live for. See, my parents had me when they were older (mom was 35 and my dad I believe was 54). So by the time he died he was well into his 70's. I honestly am surprised he lived that long. He was a smoker till I was twelve and drank my whole life. He was such a drunk that in his late years, he lived in a nursing home and they would allow him two drinks a day because his body depended on it. It just simply could not go without the alcohol.

I think his alcoholism is part of the reason we had such a strained relationship, that and the fact that we're both very stubborn people. Needless to say... when my mother called and said he had died, all of this stuff did not matter. It did not matter all the horrible things he had done or said. He was my dad and he had just left this world. I cried, but not hard. This didn't surprise me either.

We had the memorial service a month later so that I wouldn't have to pay a large sum of money for a plane ticket because at the time I was in college. I flew back alone and stayed with my mom, which was not fun... yet this is another story... one I do not think I wish to tell.

Dad was cremated. His remains were on the shelf in the computer room... which was kind of creepy to me. Mom carried his ashes, I could not seem to bring myself to do this. We had the service at his nursing home.... and few people were there. This made me sad.. that his imprint on life was so small.

My brothers from my dad's previous marriage came. I had only met them maybe two times and had not seen them since I was eleven. Now I was a grown woman... living my own life. It was odd. It was like being around a parent... since there were that age. We had old pictures Dad from his Navy days and life before and after I was born. My brothers told me stories of what he was like when they were children.. that he was a preacher. I knew this... but it seemed so foreign to me. He was certainly not that man for me.... and part of me was very jealous of this fact.

I wondered what had happened between his divorce to their mom and marrying mine. What happened to him to take him down the road of drinking... apparently this information I will never know. It seems no one knows.

The preacher at the nursing home got up and spoke about my father. I sobbed... the grief hit me like a brick wall and I was taking it way harder than I thought. Apparently being there made it real... made it real that I would never again see my Dad.

I had said I wanted to speak.. and got up to do so. I cried so hard it was hard to get anything out... I was a wreck... and thinking back its kind of embarrassing.. but I'm sure no one thought poorly of me for it.

After the service, I said my good bye's to brothers.. knowing that I would most likely never see them again. We exchanged numbers... they told me to call if ever I needed anything. They did not seem like my brothers... they knew next to nothing about me. I have not seen them since... this was six years ago. I am at peace with this, though.

Its funny how funerals happen and they bring people together you'd not see otherwise. It is so sad to think that such a sad moment has to happen before relatives come together. I wish I had a relationship with my brothers.... I wish I had a better one with my parents... yet these things will not happen. Perhaps they aren't meant to happen. I guess I will never know.

life before

I really wanted to throw a blog out there that was not sex related (because I'm not a complete horndog hehe). So this is it.

With my impending anniversary on the horizon... it has me thinking of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful partner/lover/husband/friend. So much of my life was a struggle and filled with many unhappy moments before he came into my life. Some of these were self induced and others were not.

Admittedly, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for these moments that lead up to this moment. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned in my 25 years. With pain comes knowledge.

The only blog that I have ever done is on Myspace. A couple months ago I was bored and started reading through the old ones. It took me back to a time where I was feeling a lot of heartbreak. The back story is sort of important but not necessary to understand how I felt at that time. I was in love.... with the only other man I have ever been other than Ben. Due to some circumstances... we could not be together as we had planned. I knew there was a reason, simply cause there is always a reason for why things work out like they do.

Reading it now.. it seems so dramatic... but thats how I felt then... deep in my heart... it was a dark time. Below is the blog.

Everything changes..

Do you ever just listen to a song and it makes perfect sense in that very moment? It just fits... and you attach yourself to that song. You lay there.. and stare off and know exactly what they meant when they wrote it. I don't know if I would call that a moment of clarity or a break in reality.

I laid in bed this morning after my shower staring at the ceiling. Listening to this song.. over and over. I know I could have laid there all day, thinking... wondering why things have to be the way they are. I know this doesn't make much sense to anyone.. but myself.. and one other person. I just don't understand how life can be so cruel sometimes. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason.... and I am yet... after all this time has passed to understand exactly what the reasoning is for that pain.

I have to say that the last couple weeks have been a roller coaster ride that I deffinately want off. I don't like feeling this way... I don't like feeling out of control. I know what I want, just not how to get it... if I ever can.

What scares me the most... is being old and alone. That seems so selfish... but it's the truth. I can honestly say I've only ever been in love once and the idea of never feeling half of what I felt then scares the hell out of me. In my eyes... I keep trying to find something that even comes close to that and it all comes up so short... it doesn't cast the smallest shadow on that feeling. I don't know, maybe it's me not letting it happen.... or my heart letting me know not to settle. Maybe you only have one true love your whole life and are lucky to find that.... but what if you can't HAVE that?

It's true... everything changes... and trying to hold onto the stuff that changed... is impossible. Sad but true.

You know what I am now? I'm in love. Deeper than I ever thought possible... my how you don't see that when you're heartbroken. When you think that you're life will never get better. I am so happy... happier than I've ever been in my life. And, I am thankful. Thankful to have all that I have... to be able to share that with Ben is a dream I only thought was in my head. I am truly blessed.

Life before was dark.. and I feel like I stepped into the light.... and see the world with new fresh eyes.

black collar

So it came in the mail yesterday. I was on my way home talking to Ben on my cell when he said someone was knocking on the door. I got excited and said it might be the UPS dropping off the package... indeed it was! I told him not to open it till I got home, just because I wanted to open it together.

I got home and hugged and kissed him.... as my eyes fixed on the little white box on the counter. I picked it up, grin across my face and opened it quickly. In the box laid my new one inch leather collar.

Now I know the symbolism that a collar holds in the lifestyle... and I completely respect that. I hope that I do not offend anyone for what this piece of leather holds for me. To me... its all sexual. The sexual response I get from the idea of wearing a collar is overwhelming. It makes me feel vulnerable... and I like that.

I have been toying with the idea of getting a collar for a while now. I just recently brought it up to Ben... he, of course, just said alright. He's kind of to the point like that. I always work it up so much in my head.. sometimes afraid of telling him but always spill it in the end because I trust that he's going to accept anything about me. He always does. Its my own insecurities and I hate that. I'm working on that so in hopes one day I will get over it.

Anyways, I pulled it out of the box and removed it from the plastic. I could feel the wetness between my legs... I wanted it around my neck. I took it with me when I changed out of my work clothes. I put it on and stared into the mirror. It was real... I had a collar around my neck. It was kind of a surreal moment for me. After a minute or two I took it off and carried it around with me for a bit.

Funny thing about it.... I like the noise it makes... the noise that the D ring makes. Isn't that a strange thing to like? I told Ben that... he agreed. I finally took it back to our room and laid it on the dresser.

Later after dinner we took a shower and ended up laying on the bed for a bit. He kept asking what I wanted to do....I kept saying I didn't care. What I should have just said was that I was horny and I wanted to fuck. But- I didn't think the timing was on just yet.

I dug through my panty drawer and pulled stuff out for work in the morning... and also grabbed the matching panties to his favorite cami top. I laid back on the bed.. being playful. He belts out he wants to watch porn on our new tv. I, of course, said it was a good idea and had him pick something out from our collection of movies.

He grabbed it and took it to the living room and I quickly put the cami and panties on. I turned so I could see my ass in the mirror... he walked by while I was doing that... gave me a look and commented, "sexy butt". I just grinned.

I joined him in the living room and we turned the movie on. It ended up being one of the worst porns I've ever seen... but we kept trying. We wasted thirty minutes doing this before we decided to hook the laptop up to the tv and find some porn online. Fantastic idea. The first video we chose was a keeper.

On the screen two brunette chicks were making out... teasing each other's nipples and clits. I leaned against my husband with my back against him. He reached around started rubbing his hand over my hard nipple. I sighed at the touch of his hand and started rubbing his leg.

We kept petting each other, but it didn't take long for this to escalate. All it really took was him reaching in my top and pinching my nipples. I felt a surge between my legs and let him do whatever he wanted.

When he let go I turned around and took his nipple in my mouth... flicking it with my tongue then hungrily sucking it in. I rubbed his hard cock through his jammie pants. He wrapped his arm around and smacked my ass. I moaned and started pulling on his pants... he helped pull them off.

I leaned down and wrapped my lips around his cock as he laced his fingers in my hair. I sucked up and down.. feeling him guiding my speed with his hand. He slapped my ass with his free hand... over and over. In my head I wanted him to stop.... but in the same thought, didn't want him to.

His voice rumbled in my ears, "Fuck me!".

And like a good girl, I got to my feet and straddled him with my back facing him. I bounced up and down on his cock, taking him deep into my pussy. I love feeling him inside of me.. the mere thought is almost enough to make me cum.

He grabbed a handful of my hair again and bent me back as I rode him and grabbed my breast. Ben hadn't been fucking me long, but I knew I was going to cum soon. I slowed my pace and decided to rock my hips back and forth. The tip of his cock was hitting just the right spot. I was so close... I could feel the wave coming up on me.

I bucked harder... wanting to feel that rush. When it hit me... I couldn't breathe.... it was amazing. I kept moving my hips though... wanting to prolong my orgasm. But, it subdued and I climbed off him to taste my cum on his cock. I love tasting myself on him... it truly is the best.

We went back and forth with me sucking his cock and fucking him for a while. I was horny but feeling playful still. I was between his legs... he was close... he wanted to cum. He told me to fuck him again... I said no. He grabbed my hair and pulled me close.. "Is said fuck me.". He was stern and it only fueled the fire.

I obeyed and slid back down on his cock. I only got a few strokes in when I stood up and started walking to our room, glancing back at him. He followed... I stood in the door way trying to tease him. He walked up behind me and gave me a nudge forward. Then he pushed me down onto the bed, feet still spread and on the floor. Grabbing my hips he pulled me into him... he fucked me with a fury. He knew what he wanted and he was going to take it from me.

I begged him not to cum yet.... and luckily for me.. he obliged. He pulled me up and pushed me onto my knees where I took him back into my mouth. I looked up at him... sucking him slowly. I stopped... still looking at him... stood.. kissed him deeply... then whispered that I wanted to try on my new collar.

He told me to get it... and I handed it to him and turned around. He strapped it around my neck with such force... I cant describe the feeling that washed over me. I was wet before... but now I was practically dripping. He buckled it as tight as he could get it without choking me then turned me around. He grabbed the D ring and yanked me to my knees then brought his cock to my face.

It was exactly how I thought it would be... and it was wonderful! I could feel his power over me... and I was loving every second.

He didnt let me suck him long before he barked at me to stand and bend over. I did so quickly and felt him enter me hard. His hand slipped between my skin and the collar and pulled back. He used the collar as leverage to fuck me harder. I was in heaven. I had pictured exactly that in my head... and never told him.... no words I tell ya. I was starting to gasp for air.... and held on as long as I could before I felt lightheaded then gave him my signal.

I could tell he was so close... he had been for some time... but had been holding off at my request. I asked again for him not to cum, but he had been waiting long enough I guess. A few more good thrusts and he exploded inside of me.

I pulled forward and crawled onto the bed. He followed and sat between my legs where his hand found my clit. He wasted no time and rub feverishly. Again I had another powerful orgasm. I tried to wiggle away but Ben grabbed my leg and kept me from moving.

He kept rubbing... and another orgasm came. I was so sensitive by then... it wouldn't take much. I tried again to get away... but it was not going to happen. A fourth and final orgasm hit and yanked hard to get back... I could not take it any longer.

He crawled up behind me and held me. It was a great moment- all laid out there, collar at my neck... in the arms of the man I love. It doesn't get any better than that!

play time at Sierra's

Just when I think we have had the best possible sex we'll ever have, we manage to surpass it in some way. I love that we always make sure to try something new... or a different way to keep it fresh. I could never imagine our sex life growing old... I feel very sorry for the people that experience that.

Saturday night we were watching something.. I cant remember what. I do recall that I wasn't too terribly interested. My mind was wandering to all the things I would rather be doing- my God I was horny. So in effort to get Ben's attention I got up and went into our bedroom, which is right next to the living room.

I was in there a good five minutes before he called out to me, asking what I was doing. I replied, nothing. But, in fact, I was digging out my black corset with the matching thong. Now if you've ever had one of these on, you know that getting into one is never a quick process. I was half way through getting it laced and hooked when he had asked what I was doing.

Of course, Ben never gives up when he asks a question and so he further interrogated me. Oh- it just came to me... we were watching Gods of War or something like that- it had Nicolas Cage in it. It wasn't a bad movie per say, but was not that great in the same sense. But I'm getting off track here.

I was really surprised that he didn't just get up and come in there. He had paused the movie at some point and got in the laptop. After I finally finished getting the corset on... I laid across the bed on my stomach... ass bare for him to see when he would figure out I wasn't coming back. I knew it wouldn't take long.

Sure enough after a few more minutes he came to investigate my absence. He said nothing but by what I heard I knew he was stripping. I spread my knees a bit knowing he was watching... with an evil grin on my face.. knowing I was going to get just what I wanted.

I felt his knee between my legs and then his body lower down on top of me. His hard cock seemed to find its place snuggled surrounded my ass cheeks. I let out a little sigh as his lips traced my neck down to between my shoulder blades. I was instantly wet.

He always knows just where to touch or kiss me to get the maximum reaction. For me, my back is "my spot". All he has to do is brush his hand across my bare skin and I'm automatically turned on.

His teeth sunk into my shoulder and I let out a loud moan.

"Is this what you want?", he hissed. I let out a zealous yes which was responded with his fist wrapped around my hair. He climbed off me pulling my body behind him to the edge of the bed. His beautiful cock stood at full attention in front of me.. I wanted that cock in my mouth... to taste it.... to suck it.

With a tight grip on my hair he pulled my mouth to him and I quickly wrapped my lips around his manhood taking it deep all the way to the base. He praised what good girl I was being and to suck his cock good. I followed his direction and began sucking slowly... feeling every inch moving in and out. He met my sucking with pumping his hips to the motion.

Gradually he quickened the pace and was at his mercy... letting him set the speed he wanted. All I cared about was his pleasure and I would not fail. I was loving the feel of his hard flesh against my lips and tongue. I swirled my tongue when Id hit the base and gently massaged his balls. His noises of pleasure only fueled my fury. I was entranced by his sex.

I'm sure he realized this and smacked my ass hard to break it... still fucking my face. I let out a yelp but still kept my lips firmly planted. I felt him tug on my hair pulling me off his cock. He told me to stay there and then went around lighting candles. The only light we had up until then was coming from the living room and he wanted to see his pretty little slut.

After lighting the candles he came back and pumped in and out of my mouth a couple times... teasing me.. then left me again. I wasn't to move.. nor would I. I would dare go out of my way to see what kind of punishment I would get for disobeying him. He left from my eye site but I could still hear what he was doing. I heard the noises from the nightstand where we keep all our fun stuff. The sound of plastic bag meant only one thing- rope. I felt a twinge in my pussy of excitement... I was certainly in for a fun time!

He got back on the bed next to me and grabbed my hair, pulling me to him again.

"Now here's what we're going to do. You're going to suck my cock and I'm going to spank you. Only, you are not going to flinch... you will keep sucking like nothing is going on... ok?"

I said yes, that I understood and went back to sucking him. The first hit stung bad... the sting of rope. I yelped but still tried to not stop. I whimpered.... it hurt so badly.

"No, I said not to stop" and he hit me again. I tried hard to breathe through it.... but it was so hard. "You can do it". Another hit. I was focused by then and kept sucking. He told me what a good girl I was and I had a surge of pride.

He fucked my face and kept smacking my ass with the rope. The bad part was it was only in two spots.. the same spots over and over. I knew it had to be bright red... the pain was almost unbearable. I wanted to cry it hurt so bad but I was not going to stop or complain.

Finally I felt a break... the warmth of his hand on my rosy cheeks. That was much better than the rope. He spoke again... controlled... he oozed dominance.

"Now, I'm going to fuck your face really hard, are you ready?". I let out a muffled yes as I felt his hands wrap around the back of my head. He drilled my face till I choked. I gasped for air. He was kind and let me catch a quick breath... he did not rush me... but I took him back into my lips before I was breathing normally.

I was so wet by then... I wanted him inside of my pussy so bad... but in the same thought, I still wanted to be face fucked. Again he wanted me refocused on his thoughts, not mine... and dark words slipped from his lips.

"I'm going to whip your pussy now... are you ready?". I tensed up... afraid of the pain I knew was coming my way... I wanted to say no, but I instead yes poured out. It seemed like ages... though I'm sure it was only a few seconds before the rope slapped against my soft flesh. I yelped out again... it stung far worse than anything he could do to my ass. He held my head gently.. keeping me from pulling back but being loving in the same sense.

"Keep sucking, you can do it", he said quietly.

Again the rope hit my pussy lips... and I whimpered but did not stop sucking. I refused to disappoint him... I could handle anything he dished out at me. Then once more the rope made contact. I kept breathing... it was all I could do to manage the raw pain I felt.

"What a good girl you're being... do you think you deserve to be rewarded?". I responded yes.

"Yes?" he said sounding condescending. I answered yes again. He pulled his cock away from me and slipped off the bed.. telling me to stay there again. He pulled out more rope and went to the end of the bed. He grabbed my ankles and pulled me halfway off putting my feet on the ground. My legs were somewhat spread and he barked for me to spread them more. I did as I was told and had my head pushed into the bed.

The rope went around each ankle and then tied to the bed frame... I was his and I was going no where. He was going to fuck me as he pleased, or not for that matter. The next thing I knew... the tip of his cock rubbed against my clit and I lost it... and squirted all over him. He knew I was his completely... and slide inside of me slowly but deep. I cooed. I was delirious with pleasure while he slowly fucked me... hand on my head... keeping me from moving.

"Like that?", he asked... the grin on his face was evident even through is voice. I screamed out yes. I felt so full... so turned on... I have no idea we stayed this way.... though I do remember the void I felt as he slipped out of my pussy. I wanted to beg him to not stop... but I didnt.

Back on the bed, I hungrily took his member into my mouth again.

"Like the way your pussy tastes on my cock?", he asked taking my hair back into his fist.

"Mmmhmm" was all I could manage. He told me he was going to face fuck me hard again and I responded to him. His hips hit my face with such power.... it was overwhelming... and I held on as long as I could till I choked again. I gasped for air then went back down again. I felt the rope hit my pussy again. He was so cool and collected and I just felt like I was so out of a control. I refocused on what I was doing... and again the rope on my pussy lips.... and again.. and again. I could feel tears coming on... and despite this... I loved what he was doing. I didnt want him to stop.

When the rope came back against my skin, it was on my ass. I was thankful for this... one more hit on my pussy would have pushed the tears over the breaking point. One more hit on my ass and he yanked me off his cock. He again asked if I thought I should be rewarded for being so good... I answered yes.

Ben came up behind me and in one motion slide his cock into my cunt. I sighed with passion.... he went to work on my pussy.. fucking it in a steady motion. He reached around and started to rub my clit... I knew I wouldn't last long with that... and I was right. A powerful orgasm ripped through my body.. it rocked me to my very core but he wasn't going to let up. He didn't give me time to compose myself... he was relentless.

The rope came around my neck and he pulled me to him with it.... another orgasm came... I gasped as well as I could.... just enough air was still coming through to let me still breathe. I felt lightheaded... between cumming and the air being cut off I was dizzy with pleasure. I touched his hand letting him know to let up.

This didnt make him stop fucking me though.... he was only letting up so I could catch my breath. After a few minutes he asked if I was ready again... I said yes... and felt the rope around my neck again. I could tell he was close.... I wanted him to cum so very badly.

He pumped quickly... in and out... using the rope around my neck as leverage... and finally he went over the edge.... it was amazing. After he was done he slide out of me slowly and I collapsed onto the bed. He untied me and we crawled onto the bed, curling into each other's arms.

"I love you, baby", I said.

"I love you, too.", Ben replied.

Our sex is wonderful... but the part after is equally wonderful.. that we can go from that to such a tender moment is special to me. He makes me feel safe and loved... so very complete.

Im really glad we live in a house... cause our neighbors would have hated us from all my screaming.. the might have thought he was killing me :-) Oh and the next couple days I had lovely marks on my neck... its funny how they make me smile when I look at them. Today was the first day that I couldn't see them. How odd life really is.

the kinkier side of me

I guess that Ben and I are what some would call weekend ass slapers. Im not sure that truly captures the essence of us, though. I have felt my submissive urges my whole life. Both long term relationships I had before Ben I was always in control... I ran everything. It was completely unsatisfying to me.

Now saying that, I dont mean that I feel the need to have someone run my life for me. I am completely capable of doing this. It works for some... but would not for me. I just have an incredible urge to be controlled sexually. It excites me like nothing else.

It wasnt until right before I met Ben that I allowed myself to explore these feelings. I had met a guy named Joe who brought this out in me... that helped me come out of my shell so to speak. It was what I have come to call my sexual awakening.

He and I became fuck buddies.. but only on a kinkier side of things. We never once had any sort of vanilla sex... and I loved it. He would tie me up and use me.. and it blew me away how much I truly loved it. I felt so safe with him... and had a level of trust that surprises me even to this day. I just knew in my heart he would never harm me.

We had some fun times... ones I will never forget. I will always be thankful to him for helping me in a sense. It definitely helped me in my current relationship. It made it easier to finally tell someone what I needed... the deep dark desires I was always afraid to tell.

Fortunately for me, Ben is very much into this. He is very dominate in bed. You would never guess it if you met him on the street... he's so easy going and nice. This all changes when we're alone and he has my face shoved into the pillow. :-)

Our kink came into play pretty early on. We play quite often. There is generally some sort of dominance play in most of our sex.. such as a slap on the ass.... pulling my hair hard.... and lots of breath play (which is something exclusive to our relationship.. I had never trusted anyone that much until him). This is why I dont really feel like we are weekend ass slapers. We just arent lifestylers.

I find people who live that lifestyle so fascinating, as you can probably see by the blogs I frequent. I have such respect for the way they live... it fascinates me on a level I cannot describe. I by no means think I am right for this... but I think the reason why it interests me so is because I want to understand it. I want to know why someone would do this.... though, Im sure I will never have this questioned answered as I have been searching for it some time. Perhaps if I knew and understood.... it would loose intrigue for me... but perhaps not.

The thing that stands out so much to me is the level of respect and support in this community. Its very much live and let live... and I love that. It speaks volumes about who they are... and for this I have very deep respect. Its so hard these days to find anyone who does not pass judgment on someone else. It truly amazes me.

So maybe Im wrong in my assumption of what we are or what we do. But it works for us.

the beginning

I never fall asleep easily if I have not had sex right before going to sleep. This is not something that has always been so, but more so since I met my husband. I feel we have an incredibly rich sex life and feel somewhat put out if we don't have sex everyday. I'm sure thats wrong of me on many levels, but I crave his touch so very much and so it's hard when I don't get it. My sexual appetite went through the roof after I left my ex... words cannot describe how much I truly think of sex. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it.

Perhaps, though, I'm getting ahead of myself. I have been contemplating starting my own blog for some time now. I think its an incredible amount of work- doesn't that sound lazy? I've always rather enjoyed writing.... was always told I was good at it. Maybe thats only after several drafts and reading it over and over till I got a draft that I was satisfied with. Needless to say, I suppose this is where I am to introduce myself and not jump head first in, huh?

Hello (lame attempt, I know). I'm going to throw out some made up name, just simply because I do not want to be known.. thats the wonderful part about the internet now isn't it? My name is Sierra. I have been married to my wonderful husband Ben for almost a year. Now then, now that we are all formally introduced... back to the show.

So I feel in order to fully disclose the most private of moments in my life... I must go back to when my relationship started... things moved rather quickly for us. Ben and I met on the internet through a chat room in May of 2006. It was quite by chance... but I like to think fate had a hand in it as well. It was a Washington chat room. I was bored and looking to pass the time.

He messaged me... and from the very first hello, we had a connection. We talked about all sorts of things... we sent music back and forth. Later I would fully appreciate how different our taste in music is... and how ironic that it's what essentially brought us together.

From that very first day, we were hooked. I felt like a junkie looking for my next fix. I found myself rushing home after work to see if he was on. There was just something about him... something that I had only saw in one other person, but that is another story. We would spend hours on the computer, caming together to the wee hours of the night... till we could no longer hold our eyes open. Pretty soon we started discussing talking on the phone. I so badly wanted to hear his voice in my ear. I wanted to feel a deeper connection that a computer could not give me anymore.

Finally we agreed to talk on the phone. I do not remember too much about that first phone, other than remembering how wonderful it was to speak with him... the way his voice made me melt. It was a couple days after that in which I received an email from him. I had got online, and he was there.. I said hello... he said he guessed I hadnt read my email and that I needed to. My heart sunk.

I went quickly to my email... where set an email with the subject "I have something I need to tell you.". I felt panicked.. not sure what to think or do... it had been so wonderful up until then. I opened it and began to read.

Dear Sierra,
This is something I should have told you from the start. But I didn't......
I am in a relationship with a person. I am not happy in this relationship, obviously, or I would not have been talking to other people. I offer no excuses for not telling you this and lying to you. There are no excuses, I was wrong. I am sorry. I know that I do not have the words to make this right. If by some grace of the gods you would still honor me with your conversation.....I would not deem myself worthy. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and never lie to you. I can't.....All I can say is that if by some chance you will talk to me again, I swear on everything I hold holy, that I will never lie to you again.


I had no idea what to say.... but I felt like a horrible person, only because none of this made a difference about how I felt about him. I still wanted and liked him. I forgave him... made him swear never to keep stuff from me again.. and from there.. we moved on.

He ended his relationship with this other person within the week of sending the email. It was important to him to show me that he was honest about how he felt and that I was the person he wanted. We still spent hours talking together... first online then we'd get on the phone. I'd lay in bed and wish he was next to me. We'd talk till we couldn't stay awake. His voice was the last one I heard every night... and that felt good.

I remember the the only time we ever had phone sex. It was shortly after breaking off his relationship... he had a bit to drink and had called. Being the sexual person I am, I had wanted to hear him at his most private of times... to know that he was getting off to my voice... I wanted to know he was laying there three hours away lusting for me... longing to touch me... knowing I in turn was touching myself... wishing it were him.

Finally it had came... and I felt nervous. I'm not sure how it progressed to it, but I remember being laid out on the bed... phone to my ear... hand wandering down my stomach... down to my soft lips. I remember sucking in a deep breath feeling my warm wetness. I felt as though I was going to explode with lust... and soon I would. The noises that came through the receiver.. the sounds of his pleasure... I was so into the moment... rubbing my clit... moaning softly.... aching for his touch. It didn't take long before his voice became heavy... I held off cumming, I was going to climax with him- I had waited too long for that moment to not do that.

It was a overwhelming night... the moments after I laid there in the drunkenness of passion... delirious with pleasure. Nothing else mattered then... but he and I... little did I know at that time this would be true for a long time after as well.

By the end of June we had decided it was time to meet in person. We planned for a Saturday afternoon... June 1st. He was going to come down and we had no plan of what to do. Crazy as it seems... I trusted him (yes.. crazy) and allowed him to come straight to my house. Something I would have never allowed anyone else to do. He got lost in coming to my house... which is funny cause it is so easy to get here.

When he arrived I was still getting ready. It was a hot July day... I was wearing black capris and green halter top. I met him at the back door and showed him in. He was shy.. which I found so endearing. I insisted on getting a hug which he of course obliged. I wrapped my arms around him... and felt... at ease. I pulled back some... with his arms still on my waist.... and I could see it in his eyes. He so badly wanted to kiss me. There is no mistaking that look. But being the gentleman he is... we didnt.

I threw out some ideas of what to do and he picked going to dinner then picking up some movies to come back and watch. We went to Applebees because I had been craving some strawberry lemonade. We sat and ate.. made chit chat like always. I fiddled with my keys that sat on the table and kept wishing he would just take my hand- he didn't.

We walked across the parking lot and grabbed three movies- The Hills Have Eyes, Saw II, and Ultraviolet- then headed back to my place. I shut off all the lights to try to keep the house cool... and to add that extra... mood. We sat right next to each other on the couch in the dark. I found it so hard to focus on the movies... I wanted him just to touch me. Not in a sexual way... just to hold my hand or touch my knee. I craved it so badly. Yet, this did not happen.

By the time we got to the third movie... it was around eleven. I was just ready to be done watching movies. But we put it in... and suffered through fifteen minutes till we couldn't take it any longer and shut it off. This is where it got ... a little awkward. I sat on the couch making more idle talk.. and then it grew silent.

We were facing each other.. I felt 15 years old again... my stomach in a flutter over the cute boy. He stared into my eyes... it felt as though he could see my soul. If I had been standing.. I would have been weak in the knees for sure. It seemed like we stayed this way forever.. sitting in silence.... wonderful silence. Then he he did it... he reached for my face.... and touched my cheek ever so gently. I sighed deeply and leaned into his hand. He had talked about this moment so many times.. and there it was happening. I could not have imagined it better... it was perfect.

He ran his fingers through my hair.. telling me how beautiful I was... and I totally melted in his hands... another sigh of happiness.. and perfection. I looked into his eyes.. and broke his gentlemanly ways... and said "you can kiss me, you know". And he did... and the Earth moved... it was by far the most amazing kiss I had ever had up until that moment.

Of course.... the gentle kissing turned into a heated passionate moment. Our hands were wandering... and I only urged him to keep going. Before I knew it.. his hand was up my shirt caressing my breast... I felt the wetness grow between my legs... a throbbing that had to be quenched. I could not contain myself... nor did I want to. I had never been much of a lady in that aspect. I like sex and am not going to deny myself the few simple pleasures in this life.

Soon clothes were flying off and I was leading him to my bed. We kept kissing... and touching... it was simply wonderful. His lips made their way down my body to my wet mound and dove in. I let out a moan of such ecstasy... egging him on... not to stop. But he did... kissing his way back up till he reached my lips again and kissed me deeply. I could feel his stiff cock against my tummy and all I wanted at that moment was to be filled to the brim with it.

He positioned himself directly on my clit and teased my body.... it was almost more than I could take. Finally he slid into my wet pussy... and I cannot describe how it felt.. I was so full.... my mind was blank... all it could focus on was him... and how wonderful he made me feel.. in every way.

When he finally cam, he collapsed into me. I rested my head against him... and felt... safe.. and alive... and fulfilled in a way I never thought possible. He pulled out ever so gently and laid next to me... pulling me into his arms and held me till we drifted off to sleep.

I admit that our meeting wasn't the way most people meet, however, I would not change it for the world. Writing about it brings back all the warm feelings I had. I feel an ache between my legs that longs to be taken care of. It seems like it was just yesterday this happened... and yet.. somehow... it only got better from there.