loss

I'm hurting.

Not in a way that most people will completely understand.. as the situation is not unheard of but is certainly unorthodox.

Back story.

I was married before to the wrong person. I cannot say this is a mistake... as many good things came from this time in my life. He got me away from a place and family that I no longer wanted to be around... that wasn't healthy for me. He brought me to his home... into his family.

I bonded with these people... I became part of the family... I was his parent's daughter.. not daughter in law... I was his sister's sister... in fact I was way closer to them... than my ex ever was. We spent every holiday together... had game nights.. bbq's... they were the family I never had.. and always wanted. And all of a sudden.. this was my reality.

The only thing that was wrong about it was... him. So when I left him... I still stayed close with them.. because that's what we all wanted (ex not included in such sentiment). It was tough.. there were a lot of uncomfortable moments... which never really went away. BUT. I loved these people and still very much wanted to be there.

As the time passed and Ben came into the picture.. this still continued... them welcoming him into the family as if it had always been that way. Holidays with the ex became even more difficult but some how we managed to make it work. Why? Because we are family and that's what families do.

In the past year... I'd say just after the first of the year... things have become more unbearable on my part. You see, my ex has lived at his parents house for all of the time we've been separated except for maybe six months (and that's not all at once). Even after the divorce I would go over and just sit and visit... but as the years passed.. this became harder and harder.

I was always told I was welcome there no matter what.. but its honestly very hard to sit in that house while he's there. After a while.. I just stopped going over to visit. Get togethers started getting fewer... and all of a sudden today I realized that I haven't spent time with them since Ben's birthday in July. We didn't do any summer holidays together.... it was probably Easter before that. His sister and her husband came over for poker in June I think... and we had all of the gradation stuff. That was really the last time we spent time as a family together.

Today I also noticed something while in the dining room waiting for the kids to get their stuff together (his parents insist on taking care of the kids when I work and they don't have school)... I realized that I hate going there now. I'm always in a hurry to get home. I always feel so uncomfortable now... like I'm in a house of strangers.

I cannot begin to explain how much this hurts and breaks my heart. I could write on this forever... I've always wanted a family... one that loves me.. and that I'm truly a part of. I had this.. and I feel like I've lost it. My heart is in a million pieces right now... I dunno how to fix this... or even if I can.

I know if I talked to them... they would say I'm being silly... but you can't change how you feel. And I can't make them do things differently... I can't make them mold to be what they were or what I want them to be. People change and evolve.. and sometimes... they do so in a way that you don't like. This seems to be the case...

Or maybe... I'm the one who has changed...