this girl's life

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disecting need

Where does the need for pain come from? How does one recognize that need inside themselves?

I can honestly say... I do not know where my need comes from.. or if there is even a reason why I am the way I am. I know a lot of people tend to say that devious wants come from a history of some sort of abuse.... but for me.. I had wanted that (just maybe not realized it) before I ever had an abusive relationship.

Growing up.. I can honestly only remember a handful of times I was spanked. I was a willful child... and generally got whatever I wanted. There was few to no rules in my house.. and I frequently boasted about this... that "I could do whatever I wanted". I ruled my house.. and I knew it. No was really not something I was told.

Whether or not that was a good thing... well.. I know it wasn't a good thing, but had I been in an environment in which there was structure... would I be who I am now? Probably not. I mean.. I did not turn out that bad, but I certainly could have.

I went from that life.. to a life filled with a lot of pain... not a good pain. My first real relationship was with a man that felt the need to hit me. Usually when we would fight. I am a strong willed girl... and easily am angered by some people. This, of course, lead to a lot of very unpleasant... tear filled moments.

But even though I endured physical abuse.. I still longed to feel a man's dominance over me sexually. It seems kind of weird to me.. that the idea of it would send me screaming in the other direction. Deep down I guess I know that being dominated I'm not being hurt in a negative way.. and perhaps that is the key here.

Still though, that does not answer where it began... what moment began that addiction? Or maybe.. just maybe it was not environmental induced. Perhaps it is just the way my mind and body are wired... that it is just as much a part of me as my eyes being brown.

Whatever the origin.... it is highly enriching... and brings me much pleasure. So.... it cannot be a bad thing.