it's my party-I can cry if I want to

So I would like to start off by saying... I am officially annoyed with Blogger. Apparently you can not post (or even create a new post for that matter) with a mobile device.... UNLESS you text them and they set it up... I am not sure if that's how it works for all blogs... but I must say... that is just stupid.

There I sat... I had the whole post going in my head on lunch... so I broke out my trusty iPhone... only to find that no, I will not be posting a new thing until I get home. Just stupid. So without further ado (and bitching).... my post....

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I was making dinner.... I really can't remember what I was making now... but Ben came into the kitchen. He started making himself a drink and carrying on small talk when he decided to broach a sensitive subject.

"What do you want to do for your birthday? Do you want to have a poker party... or do you want to do something just the two of us?", he asked... I'm sure hoping to get a good response... what he got.. was not what he expected.

"I dunno.... you know how I feel about my birthday... it's really important to me... and it seems I build it up in my head... and well.. I get disappointed. I honest don't know what I want to do... you should just plan something.... get someone to help you if you need. I just don't have a clue", I replied... feeling this wave of emotion wash over me. I felt completely and utterly bummed.

You see.. like I told him, I always build it up... and its generally a big bust. I have cried on my last two birthdays... because as I have said before, Ben is by no means a planner. I adore him with all my being... but he is not. It does not even cross his mind that he SHOULD plan something for my birthday... I mean after all... I plan everything else.

The fact that he brought it up.. should make me happy.... and it does.. that he's putting thought into it... but the question is.. will it go further? Maybe I'm being a spoiled brat... who knows. I just want one day of the year to be about me.. and only me. I want to feel special and loved... and I really don't think that is too much to ask for honestly. Just one time I would like him to go out of his way... to try really hard to do something special for me... no matter what it is. I would love it because I know how much he put into it.

BUT in the same thought.. I will not hold my breath.. (not because I don't have faith in him... but because I know him and though he tries... it's just not his suit)... and I certainly will no build it up in my head. I refuse to feel like that on my birthday again this year. I just will not do it to myself. At the end of the day... it boils down to.. had I not made it into something huge, I would not feel so bummed. For everyone else... it is just another day... and I'm okay with that.... I just... yeah.. want to feel special.. if only for for day.

Ben did apologize for bringing it up... he said he didn't mean to bum me out... and I know it made him feel bad. I didn't think I would have reacted that way.. I couldn't help myself. I love him... and how he cares... that makes me feel special.... because I know to him I am. So really, I'm not sure why this whole birthday thing bugs me so much... I need to work on that for sure.