the kinkier side of me

I guess that Ben and I are what some would call weekend ass slapers. Im not sure that truly captures the essence of us, though. I have felt my submissive urges my whole life. Both long term relationships I had before Ben I was always in control... I ran everything. It was completely unsatisfying to me.

Now saying that, I dont mean that I feel the need to have someone run my life for me. I am completely capable of doing this. It works for some... but would not for me. I just have an incredible urge to be controlled sexually. It excites me like nothing else.

It wasnt until right before I met Ben that I allowed myself to explore these feelings. I had met a guy named Joe who brought this out in me... that helped me come out of my shell so to speak. It was what I have come to call my sexual awakening.

He and I became fuck buddies.. but only on a kinkier side of things. We never once had any sort of vanilla sex... and I loved it. He would tie me up and use me.. and it blew me away how much I truly loved it. I felt so safe with him... and had a level of trust that surprises me even to this day. I just knew in my heart he would never harm me.

We had some fun times... ones I will never forget. I will always be thankful to him for helping me in a sense. It definitely helped me in my current relationship. It made it easier to finally tell someone what I needed... the deep dark desires I was always afraid to tell.

Fortunately for me, Ben is very much into this. He is very dominate in bed. You would never guess it if you met him on the street... he's so easy going and nice. This all changes when we're alone and he has my face shoved into the pillow. :-)

Our kink came into play pretty early on. We play quite often. There is generally some sort of dominance play in most of our sex.. such as a slap on the ass.... pulling my hair hard.... and lots of breath play (which is something exclusive to our relationship.. I had never trusted anyone that much until him). This is why I dont really feel like we are weekend ass slapers. We just arent lifestylers.

I find people who live that lifestyle so fascinating, as you can probably see by the blogs I frequent. I have such respect for the way they live... it fascinates me on a level I cannot describe. I by no means think I am right for this... but I think the reason why it interests me so is because I want to understand it. I want to know why someone would do this.... though, Im sure I will never have this questioned answered as I have been searching for it some time. Perhaps if I knew and understood.... it would loose intrigue for me... but perhaps not.

The thing that stands out so much to me is the level of respect and support in this community. Its very much live and let live... and I love that. It speaks volumes about who they are... and for this I have very deep respect. Its so hard these days to find anyone who does not pass judgment on someone else. It truly amazes me.

So maybe Im wrong in my assumption of what we are or what we do. But it works for us.