firsts

The mind is a tricky thing.... funny because of what it allows you to remember. I seem to have things where I dont really remember first times very well. Its kind of odd... and I wish I could remember them... though, in some cases... this is a good thing.

Take the night I lost my virginity for instance. I was 15 and it was Valentine's Day. My boyfriend at the time was much older than me and looking back now... it was so obviously a mistake, but you can't tell a lovestruck teenager anything. They do as they please because they think they are in love.

Needless to say.... I was ready for my virginity to be taken. I remember walking down my dirt driveway hand in hand... staring up at the stars with a nervousness that I cannot describe. I knew something was going to happen.... and that scared and thrilled me in the same moment.

I remember stopping our stroll and him kissing me deeply. We made out for a bit then ended up going behind the house for a bit more privacy. We sat under a pine tree... his hands roaming. I know at some point they managed their way into my my pants to my willing pussy.

From there I know we went into the house, my mother was out for the night. We ended up on my bed. It was dark. I remember it hurt... and I remember laying there afterward... but not really what I felt or thought. And that is it... thats all I remember.

I chalk my loss of memory up to my loathing of this particular ex and all the horrible things he would later do to me. I spent many nights wishing I could erase him from my past, yet I am who I am now because of this moment in my life- just as any moments in my life. So, I live and learn from the path I choose.... mistakes and all.

On that same level, I don't really remember my bondage experience. I remember Joe asking me if I was sure I wanted to do that and to make sure that I was only hooking up with him for just sex. I did just that... and always did. It would be him that would later betray that.... and develop feelings for me. They weren't the typle of feelings that make you get together, but the ones that make you wonder what it would be like if you did.

Nothing about that night are in my mind... and I have no idea why that is. I wish I could remember. All of our escapades were always so fun and exciting.. and I don't doubt one minute that it was as well. It hadn't really occurred to me that I had forgotten this until I really started thinking about all the firsts I've ever had.

The most important first, was that of the one with my husband that I made sure to embed into my mind, so that I never loose that moment. It was so powerful and wonderful.... I would be devastated if I was to loose it.

Other firsts I don't remember... first day of school.... the first whole day I moved to the town I live in now..... my first day at my current job... oh what a bad memory I have. I guess it doesn't matter unless I forget the important things.