philosophical

Ben and I were laying in bed the other night talking before going to sleep. One of his co-workers had recently separated from his wife. It was kind of a surprise to us because they seemed so happy for one... and had been together for over ten years. This got me to thinking about relationships in general. Nothing in love is 100%- no matter how much you want it to be. This is why love is a risk... you jump in and hope for the best.

I'm not saying that Ben and I don't have what it takes to make it. We are completely committed to each other with deep love, respect, and trust. What I am saying is that life throws curve balls at you and one never knows what will happen.

So this got me to thinking about something. If I could see the future and see if indeed we will always be together, would I? I thought about it for some time and realized I wouldn't. The what ifs were too much for me. Would it make you spend everyday after finding out wondering if that day was the day that we'd end? It could be years before this happen, but what I not appreciate the time we did have? Would I squander it based off my knowledge? My end decision came off that fear and the belief that our love can transcend time.

Ben was undecided... bringing up a valid point. Would this knowledge make you work harder to make it work? Would you just completely avoid the event that caused the demise of the relationship? I think if it came down to it... he would choose no.

This took us to other stuff on a bigger level. God. When I was a child I used to attend church often. I believed there was a God and that there was life after death, in heaven. The older I got my faith dwindled. I still believed there was a God but that religion was overrated and full of hypocrites.

Such as... how can a word be a bad thing? How can the word shit, damn, fuck be bad? They are just words. The basic premise of religion is good... like don't kill and steal. They are good guidelines to live your life to be a good person. I think its silly to think I would go to hell for cursing. Who is someone to tell me how to live my life?

And sex... why is sex before marriage a bad thing? Humans were made to procreate... that is our purpose. How does having a piece of paper make it all of a sudden okay to have sex? I understand that a commitment is good to have but what sin is it to enjoy what we were made for? I just don't get that.

Is there life after death? Is there a heaven and hell? Is there really a God that looks over us and loves us? And if there is... why would he or she for that matter let horrible things happen, like children being molested? I understand that its been compared to being a parent and that a parent must let their children make mistakes. BUT isn't it also a parent's responsibility to protect their children? Would a parent let their child knowingly (because supposedly God is all knowing) be molested? Somehow I think thats a load of crap.

And life in general... if you could get the answer to life.. if there is a God.. if there is life after death... is your death date determined the day of your birth...that kind of stuff... would your brain be able to comprehend it? Or, would it be too much to handle and this is the reason why we cannot ever know.

Our conversation went on for a bit before we decided it was time to sleep. These things still linger with me though... I'm sure I'll never have the answers I seek.