With my impending anniversary on the horizon... it has me thinking of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful partner/lover/husband/friend. So much of my life was a struggle and filled with many unhappy moments before he came into my life. Some of these were self induced and others were not.
Admittedly, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for these moments that lead up to this moment. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned in my 25 years. With pain comes knowledge.
The only blog that I have ever done is on Myspace. A couple months ago I was bored and started reading through the old ones. It took me back to a time where I was feeling a lot of heartbreak. The back story is sort of important but not necessary to understand how I felt at that time. I was in love.... with the only other man I have ever been other than Ben. Due to some circumstances... we could not be together as we had planned. I knew there was a reason, simply cause there is always a reason for why things work out like they do.
Reading it now.. it seems so dramatic... but thats how I felt then... deep in my heart... it was a dark time. Below is the blog.
Everything changes..
Do you ever just listen to a song and it makes perfect sense in that very moment? It just fits... and you attach yourself to that song. You lay there.. and stare off and know exactly what they meant when they wrote it. I don't know if I would call that a moment of clarity or a break in reality.
I laid in bed this morning after my shower staring at the ceiling. Listening to this song.. over and over. I know I could have laid there all day, thinking... wondering why things have to be the way they are. I know this doesn't make much sense to anyone.. but myself.. and one other person. I just don't understand how life can be so cruel sometimes. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason.... and I am yet... after all this time has passed to understand exactly what the reasoning is for that pain.
I have to say that the last couple weeks have been a roller coaster ride that I deffinately want off. I don't like feeling this way... I don't like feeling out of control. I know what I want, just not how to get it... if I ever can.
What scares me the most... is being old and alone. That seems so selfish... but it's the truth. I can honestly say I've only ever been in love once and the idea of never feeling half of what I felt then scares the hell out of me. In my eyes... I keep trying to find something that even comes close to that and it all comes up so short... it doesn't cast the smallest shadow on that feeling. I don't know, maybe it's me not letting it happen.... or my heart letting me know not to settle. Maybe you only have one true love your whole life and are lucky to find that.... but what if you can't HAVE that?
It's true... everything changes... and trying to hold onto the stuff that changed... is impossible. Sad but true.
You know what I am now? I'm in love. Deeper than I ever thought possible... my how you don't see that when you're heartbroken. When you think that you're life will never get better. I am so happy... happier than I've ever been in my life. And, I am thankful. Thankful to have all that I have... to be able to share that with Ben is a dream I only thought was in my head. I am truly blessed.
Life before was dark.. and I feel like I stepped into the light.... and see the world with new fresh eyes.
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