I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind... that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control... ie... am I actually getting laid? And really... I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.
It's just been one thing after another... and I'm just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely... and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes... yes it is... but it's how I feel this very moment. It's maddening... and I hate it.
I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with... that are far worse than mine... but that doesn't make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really... if I never had to take birth control again... I'd be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I'd have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all.... I mean... it wasn't till this year that I even had the slightest problem.
So that lends to... why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling... and the effects didn't fully go away till probably a week ago.
I never went into details about it all... but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex... but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me... because I've always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case... I didn't know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn't come back... and if I didn't I wasn't sure how that would reflect on my life.
I pride myself on my sexual side... always have. Without that... I wouldn't be complete. That sounds weird... but that's how I see myself. I am a sexual creature.... plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there... it was hard to handle.
So here I am... exhausted from it all. It's time to make a tough decision... one that scare me.
I've decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with... I don't ever want to go through this again... and this seems like the best way. My body... my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can't expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that... I made my decision.
I'm scared shitless..... to say the least. But I can't keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn't going to work. My consult is on October 5.... wish me luck... cause I'm certainly going to need it.
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Well you know that I can certainly relate to this in a big way. I have written many gut wrenching posts about my own loss of sex drive. Good luck with your consult. I know it's going to be a very scary thing. I'm going to ask you the same question as I'm sure they will to you. Wouldn't it be easier if Ben got the little snip snip procedure?
mina...
the easy answer is yes... it would.
As you know... life is rarely ever easy and we make decisions based off more than just ease. Yes, Ben was originally going to be the one to get "fixed". But.. when we found out that his procedure would cost us six times as much as mine would.. that kind of put things into perspective for us.
We decided that we'd wait till after the first of the year... put him on my insurance (which would have cost us like an extra $100 a month... but better insurance so it was worth it). Well.. yesterday I found out that they are dropping the insurance I have at work.. and leaving me with two other options that are not equal to what I have now.
So that left us at the drawing board.. and I was trying to work it all out in my head. This is where it left me... so thats how I arrived at that decision.
I dont want more kids. I dont even want the chance of having more kids because I know deep down that it would not be whats best for us all as a family.
So yes... tough.. but necessary.
And... I remember at a doctor's appt. a couple weeks ago... I had seen this particular doctor like once or twice. She remembered me like I had seen her yesterday, even though it was a year ago.
She asked me about the whole tubal thing.. and I was honest and told her it scared the crap out of me. She said, "well its you that will end up pregnant" after my long explanation about not knowing what to do next because of all the birth control issues.
For whatever reason... that stood out. It sounds insensitive but it didn't come off that way. She was being frank with me... and she's right.
And now that this has became a book....thats the long answer.
Whoa! A simple snip snip procedure costs 6 times
more than surgery!!!! ? Simply because of his insurance? This nation should be ashamed of itself. These idiots fighting to not have equal insurance for all. I'm sorry you are forced to have surgery but in the end, it is better than having more children.
That is a radical solution, but I can only hope for the best for you.
mina...
I totally agree. This whole health care thing is out of control. This is really a problem that should have been addressed by our government before now. However, I guess better late than never.
I'm sorry I will too... buttttttttt... its merely a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of my life. This too shall pass.
merlin...
I dunno about drastic. I really dont wanna wake up one day to an opps. That's fair to anyone. Not to me.. my kids... Ben... or that future child. My family is complete the way it is. Sometimes we have to do difficult things in order to protect that balance.
Wow ... are you sure about what the out of pocket costs will be for a tubal? I had a consult about a month ago, and *with* insurance, the out of pocket would still be around $4000. Of course, your insurance may be different, but make sure you're getting an accurate OTP quote that takes into account the anesthesiologist's fees, nursing costs, facility costs, etc.
Also educate yourself about Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. If the surgeon isn't extremely experienced, blood flow can be compromised to the ovary and send you into hormone shock, which is basically rapid-onset menopause as the ovaries die. In addition to which, the indidence of pregnancy post-tubal is surprisingly high ... far higher than with vasectomy.
Sorry to go on and on; it's just that I did all of this research recently, so it's on my mind.
anonymous..
Actually I did read about PTSL before I made my decision. It's a risk Im willing to take. My doctor has been doing this for years so I feel really confident in his abilities.
Thank you for the heads up though!
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