this girl's life

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Honestly.. I feel like the worst blogger right now. If I can even be considered that anymore...

I've written... or should I say, started writing two different posts, but I just couldn't finish them... they just started to annoy me and so I scrapped them. They are gone... never to be seen... which is probably for the best.

I'm having an emotional down swing at the moment... why you ask? Who the f knows... sometimes being a woman sucks.. all those hormones raging through your body... and let me tell ya... I've certainly had my share of hormonal ups and down since the IUD came out. I'm happy to report, however, the replacement is less than a week away... I just got to get to Thursday morning... and take a pg test.. and keep my fingers crossed (perhaps I should have kept my legs crossed as well- nah!).

I love my children.. I have two girls... they are wonderful... and I could not imagine my world without them. I just can't see adding to that... I cannot see giving them a brother or sister. Things would change so much for us. I would have to get a different car... we'd have to move into a bigger house... we would never have just us time.. and that one is the hardest one for me.

I've grown so accustomed to our alone time... when the girls are gone to their father's that to go from that would be rather difficult for me... and him. I know that probably seems very selfish.. but its the reality of it... its how I feel... right or wrong.

I went shopping yesterday for a baby shower I'm going to next weekend. It's something I haven't done in many years... it is fun no doubt... but enjoying shopping for a baby doesn't mean we should rush out and have another child. Even so, there is that little question in the back of my head... that nagging... are you sure you don't want one. We have weighed the pros and cons... and the pros are not even close to being sufficient enough to even consider having a child.

This is what makes this whole IUD issue so troubling. We have been careful to prevent getting pregnant but nothing is 100% except not having sex at all. And well... that really isn't an option for me.. I would go nuts... really... I would.

I guess what this is all about.. I just want things to be like they were. With no worry in the back of my head... and not have to worry about using protection when we do have sex... there is nothing sexy about that.. at all. It's made me realize.. that maybe we should take that leap... that it's time to do something permanent so that we don't have another issue like this. The thing about that is... it scares me. It scares me to not have that decision in my hands. Yes, we will decide to take that step... but then after that... there is no changing it. Its permanent... or at least, very expensive to change.

That is exactly why we haven't yet.... because deep down inside, I'm not 100% sure... I'm like... 95% sure. And see... I had a friend do this... she got her tubes tied... and now, her and her boyfriend are wanting to have a child together at some point. It just seems to me.. that making the decision is tough... and it also seems to me that once its made...that I will regret it.

I hate feeling that way... the indecisiveness of it. It sucks.

Ya know, I'm really sorry that my blog has taken this turn. I really hope that I can steer it back to what I intended it to be.... but my life needs to co-operate in that sense... so that it can be sent back to where it was... we'll see what happens I suppose.