I was.. and maybe still am.. reluctant to write this post. Its deep and raw... a glimpse into my mind. I figured.. what the hell do I have to lose... and now I'm writing.
I went to a baby shower today. I adore the woman.. she is one of my closest friends. With all the IUD issues I've been having and the possibility of pregnancy in my mind... it is really no wonder why I'm feeling a bit upside down right now.
I have been going back and forth on this whole baby issue. I have always swayed more towards no way than to a yes. Part of me thinks that it wouldn't be so bad to have another child... that it would be wonderful to carry another baby... to bring a life that into the world that is ours. But in that same thought.. I think of how much that would change. And deep down.. I am terrified it will change my relationship.. that it will put a wedge between us instead of bringing us closer.
Silly.. yes... but that is my irrational fear. Out there for the world to see... this is me... this is who I am.
From one moment to another I just never know what I'll be feeling or thinking. This inner turmoil is hard for me. Very hard. Tonight has been difficult on my emotions... my mind is running in several different ways.
It occurred to me tonight.. that.. at some point.. I think I've lost sight of who I am. I've prided myself for so long for knowing who I am... and what I want... but in this moment.. I don't. I was this confident.. sexual... woman. Right now.. I don't feel like that person. My sexuality defines a lot of who I am. Lame? Perhaps. And right now... I feel kind of numb. I feel consumed. I liked being that person... I felt good as that person.. free... I felt that there was no limit to what I could do and experience.
I'm not sure what to do... I want to say this all ties into the whole IUD thing.. and if that is the case.. then I seriously need to make some huge decisions and do something permanent. I honestly do not want to go through this again... this whole experience has been very trying- very draining.
I want things to just return to how they were. I don't think that is too much to ask. It just goes to show how I'm not a woman of change.. I like things to stay the way they are. I like the known because the unknown scares the shit out of me.
I really hate that this is the turn my blog has taken. But. It's real. It's life.. just the way it is.. no fiction.. no story. If I had it in me.. I'd write sexy stories all the time.. but I don't. This is what my life in this moment... like it or not.
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it seems we are mirrors for each other? So many words you have written here, I have as well.
I have no desire to have children. I want to live a nice quiet life with Sylvans. Be able to run off spur of the moment. I like things being just he and I.
Sierra -
Is your IUD the Mirena? After having mine removed, I had some really atypical mood swings. Mirena releases such a tiny amount of hormones that most people don't even consider that possibility, but it does happen. If it's just the regular copper IUD, then completely ignore this paragraph :)
You're almost there - just keep counting down the days until you get it placed again, when you can feel more "level" and like yourself before trying to make any decisions.
As for the blog - life isn't always about sexy stories. Sometimes it's about pain and raw emotion... and people care enough about you to read that too.
*hugs*
lalana
lalana-
Yes its a Mirena... and yeah I'm sure it is all the hormones.. I have considered that.. but on that same note... it isn't very fun to live through.
As for days to count down.. at this point.. I have NO idea when I get to actually get my next one.
Hopefully it will be soon!
mina-
Yes.. it seems that way. I read your posting after I wrote mine... and I could see myself in your post as well.
I completely understand wanting it to be just the two of you. I do cherish my alone time with Ben.. its important to both of us.
Ahem... I *may* have just given you a blog/friend award :)
http://lalanasjourney.com/2009/02/26/friends-award/
Hello....
I followed your link from Kittens Paw Prints into slavery. After reading your post it really resinated with me. I felt similar when I became pregnant. My mate and I are very close and spent LOTS of time together. He truly is my best friend and I was always first to receive his attention. I knew all that would change and I felt really worried about being jealous of my child getting all of my mates attention and energy. (selfish I know, but I have grown alot in parenthood)I worried that my insecurities would push us apart.
I worried and worried and worried.....then I talked with him. I shared with him my feelings and found that he felt similar. We talked thru it and because we were honest with one another we were able to be more aware of how much we needed to nurture our relationship. We work hard at making time for us, and our baby has brought us closer. My advice would be to honor your own feelings. Be honest, respectful, and trust in your love.
Enjoy this time together now because it will go fast. Good Luck with whatever you choose. Thank you for sharing.
All my best,
F
F-
Thank you for taking the time to comment... its always nice to see a new face!
Since writing this post he and I have talked about all the stuff going on in my head.. I feel like I'm in a better place with it.
We are sticking with our original thought of no more babies and I am happy to report that I will be getting my replacement IUD next week.
So things are feeling like they are back on track. It is certainly amazing how talking can really help things. :-)
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