waves of emotion

As of late, I have mentioned (0r I think I have!) the level of stress around my life right now. It's kept me from posting.. kept us from having our normal sex life.. so yes, it has not been fun.

Sunday night we were watching tv... I felt very distant and disconnected from Ben. I really didn't know why... and it sucked to say the least. When we finally decided it was time to head to bed we showered then retired to our room.

Normally when we lay down we're both on our backs... but slowly we both rolled so that we were facing each other. Ben was being so tender... rubbing my back gently... softly caressing my face. I needed it. I needed to feel connected to him again. I don't typically get to feeling this way... but I was.

It's strange really... we are both living the same stress with the exception of the stress from work for me. Yet, he still was right along side of me... and I was dealing with this on my own.. even though I had no idea this is what I had done.

His touch soon turned to a petting of sort.. with a sexual undertone. I started to feel lost in his arms... echoing in my head I kept wanting him to just grab the back of my neck and do what he wanted... to recenter me.

We started kissing heavily... passion was oozing from every inch of our bodies. And then he did it... his hand gripped the back of my neck. I melted. His other hand roamed.. pinching my nipples... teasing my pussy. I wanted him inside of me... but I really did not want him to stop his onslaught of my body.

His lips parted from mine and down my neck he kissed roughly... I felt his teeth sink into my shoulder and I let out a whimper. I breathed in deep... trying not to beg him to stop... after all.. this is what I had been wanting.. what I had been missing.

I squirmed under him... trying to push him off some... but all this got me was my hands held up over my head leaving my body exposed to his every whim. His other hand had stopped at my pussy again... pinching the delicate lips making me writhe in pain.

Make no question... I was drenched and loving every minute of it.

My hands were released but I found that seconds later his hand cupped my mouth and nose blocking off air and muffling my whining noises. I wanted to scream... but I didn't want him to stop.

When he took his hands away, I gasped for air. There was down time.. he grabbed my ponytail and shoved my face onto his stiff cock. He shoved his hardness to the back of my throat causing me to gag. I pulled back gasping for air but was pulled back onto him.

"That's right, you take that cock", he ordered.

He fucked my face hard and rough. I felt dizzy but turned on immensely. I don't know how much time passed but when he pulled out he moved me quickly so that he could fuck me. He had climbed off the bed leaving me on my hands and knees... ass in the air, begging for him to fill me with his cock.

He took no time... and slammed into my wet pussy. He was not gentle anymore... fucking me hard... pounding into my body. His hands dug into my hips pulling himself deep inside me. I was in heaven... I was so elated.

After a bit he snatched out of me mid stride and I was left feeling empty and wanting more. He commanded me to get on my knees and suck him some more... I quickly got to my knees. I took him into my mouth again... tasty my juices on him. His hand was on the back of my head keeping me at the depth that he wanted. I gently cupped his balls as he fucked my face again.

Soon he told me he was going to come... and I sucked even harder wanting to feel his cock explode in my mouth. I was soon rewarded. I swallowed every last bit and wrapped my arms around his waist.... and laid my head against his leg.

He helped me up on the bed, getting between my legs. He ran his finger over my clit then plunged a few into my wetness. His other hand rubbed my legs... just in the way that he knows does the trick.

My fingers roamed down south helping him by stimulating my clit. I felt amazing... but felt anxiety at the same time. I'm not sure why. The room was warm... and after I awhile I cried out that I couldn't cum.

I felt exasperated. I wanted to cum... but I was so stress ridden that it wasn't going to happen. Ben shushed me soothingly and told me to breathe. So, I took a deep breath and started rubbing again.... his motions had not stopped... he was not giving up.

I rubbed methodically... making sure to take deep breaths. Before I knew it I could feel the wave of a powerful orgasm coming. Two more rubs and the wave broke over me.... so powerful it left my head spinning... and then it happened. I began sobbing... hard and uncontrollably.

"I need you", I cried out with my hands extended needing him to hold me. He climbed on top of me and my arms went around him. I felt safe... I felt loved.... I felt relief.

He laid down beside me... arms wrapped again me and let me cry. He asked what was wrong... and honestly... I had not known till then just how stressed out I had been. The sobs subsided soon. He laid next to me the whole time... touching me... my face.. trying to make me feel better... and I did.

I've always known I would be lost without him.. but in that very moment... I really knew how deep that need and want was. He is my rock. He grounds me. We had reconnected... I had gotten what I needed... and he had been the giver of this.

and its back again

After I got out of the shower I laid horizontally across the bed trying to cool my body after the hot water. Ben was still in the bathroom shaving and brushing his teeth. When he was down he joined me in our room.. shutting the door behind him- which is always a sign a good time is in store.

He snatched off the covers... I stayed where I was... waiting to see what he had in mind. He climb on the bed and positioned himself over me. He started kissing my back and soon it quickly turned into biting. I almost purred.

Before I knew it... I was on my knees pinching my clit and squirting all over the bed. I was so wet I could barely stand it. When he finally got around to fucking me... he slid in with such ease... was amazing.

It's been a while but the whole thing had vibe to it that I haven't felt in a while. I felt his domination over me again... it was amazing.

Still its not the hardcore fuck that I really need... but I have a feeling that will be happening again in the near future.

(Sorry for the short post today, btw. Just not feeling a long worded one today.)

just one of those moments

The other night we had just got done watching a movie. We were both just sitting there talking lounging on the couch when I decided to climb on him (hehe). I straddled his hips with my hands on his chest looking down at him in a giggly way. There was things said back and forth... don't really remember what though.

I leaned down and nibbled on his neck playfully. I was horny... but in the same sense.. I just wanted to play too. I leaned back up smiling.. more words. Then I leaned back down kissing his neck a little more intensely.

When I came back up... looking at him... he had this look in his eyes... a look that I love.. the look that screams that he loves me so intensely that words could not describe. I felt my face soften... and a warmth come over me.

I love this man. I'm so in love with him.

It's those moments... the moments where it's so simply in front of you... the love that you share and how this person consumes who you are.... you are not a you... you are a we. I sighed softly... the rest of the world ceased to exist at that moment and I lingered there... soaking up the moment.

I never know when this moment will hit me... but when it does... I feel free and alive... but most of all... I feel loved.

another year

May for me means a month of birthdays. It is a very busy month for my family and I. In all I know seven people with a birthday this month... it gets kind of expensive to say the least. Celebrating birthdays is kind of funny in a way... the way we actually do the celebrating that is. Everyone you know and love gets together generally with a party where there is cake and ice cream and a mound of presents. I wonder just where this tradition came from. Who thought that giving someone a gift just for being born was a grand idea.

Not that I am complaining or unwanting of gifts... I just find it... odd I guess. But, on the other spectrum, I knew a guy that was a Jehovah's Witness. I never got why it's a bad thing to celebrate one's birth. How do you explain that to a child who all their friends have parties and get presents. I think its rather cruel to be honest. This I just do not understand...

With birthdays obviously brings another year of age tacked onto the ever growing number thats tacked to you. This year I will be 26 and all I can think of is that 30 is looming not so far off in the distance. Once I hit that then I'll no longer have that youthful sounding age... the way that society has taught us to feel.

I feel old most of the time anyway. I've lived so much life for my short years. I feel wise beyond my years and have been told that many times. I know I will never stop gaining wisdom, but I already feel like I have a firm grip on life and what it holds for me. I also know that I will never know what is around the corner, but I feel like I'm capable of handling what comes my way.

But back to aging. Sometimes I think that youth is wasted on children-if only I could have half of their energy. I always feel tired... even just as I've just woken up... hours later.. and so on... it's rather unfair. I remember when I was a child and hated naps... and now all I want after lunch is just a hour to myself just to sleep.. to rest from the responsibilities of being an adult. If only I had known just how nice a nap can be... that would have been nice. When you're young though you have no concept of that. All you want to do is learn and see and do. I know I never wanted to miss anything... I was never ready for bed... for fear I wouldn't see something important or cool.

Ahh... just to get a nap a day.

So here I am on the verge of another year older and there are a few things I have discovered to be truth.

1. The golden rule is important-always treat others the way you wanted to be treated. They may not treat you the same, but you will feel good about yourself for being a good person.

2. Trust and communication are paramount in love. Love comes easy but making that love stay strong takes work... without these two things, it will never work.

3. Always make time for the fun times in life. Work will always be there... but you're life is always changing and you are always getting older.... don't let it pass you by... don't get old and have a lifetime of regrets.

4. Hot baths cure all. Stress.. sickness... pain... all of it... it will melt it all away.

5. I am a rich woman... I am rich with the love of a wonderful man and family.... no amount of money could make me happier than I am now.

6. Never leave fighting with anyone you care about... life is all a gamble... its all a risk... that could be the last time you see them... don't let that good bye be a bad one.

7. You must love yourself. If you loathe and have no respect for yourself... how could anyone else?

Thats all I can think of right now... but I think that pretty much covers the basics. So maybe with another year I will learn something new... something that I can add... something that holds true to the core of human nature. But even if I were to die tonight.... I will have died with no regrets... and so I would have died a happy woman.

what a night

So last Saturday night was rather interesting to say the least. Ben had to work on Sunday, which is usually one of our days off together, and we'd have to go to bed early on Saturday so he could get up on time for work. I really didn't want to do this... and the girls had invited me to go clubbing with them. I wanted to do that and Ben told me to go and have fun.

We had plans to leave a little early cause we had free passes and didn't want to get passed the free admission time.... but surprise... we didn't. My friends Dionna and Angela are notorious for being late. Turns out there we eight of us going, which included me, so we took two cars.

Once we got there... Angela was already hammered. We headed to the club (the Vault) and got in fairly quickly. Not many people were there but we made a beeline to the bar. We weren't leaving for at least three hours so I knew it would be safe to have just one drink (and I did.. I'm a good girl).

After we all got our drinks we stood around just bullshitting. Angela was being goofy like always and she was dancing backwards out onto the empty floor. She didn't care.. she was that far gone. Jared said he wanted to go to Jake's, another club around the corner. I couldn't have agreed more.. it was pretty dead.

So we all headed to Jake's... Jared ended up paying for half the people to get in and told them if he did they had to stay for a while. Everyone was down for that. Once inside we all headed to the dance floor.

We weren't there twenty minutes when Dionna and her friend, Rose, decided they wanted to go back to the Vault. Somewhere along the line, we ran into Ben (see a few posts back). Ben offered to buy Angela a drink.. even though she certainly didn't need another one. Personally I think he was trying to fuck her... but that is just my thought.

Dionna started getting upset with Angela... I broke in between them to cool the situation. I told Dionna I'd take care of her and for them to just go ahead and go back to the other club. I gave Angela a glass of water, made her drink it, and pulled her ass back out on the floor to dance.

Soon Angela decided she needed to go to the bathroom and said she'd be back. Fifteen minutes passed and I was starting to wonder where she was. I asked Jared's friends and him if they had seen her... which they hadn't. Jared and I decided that we'd go look for her if she wasn't back by the end of the song.

Sure enough, she wasn't so we headed to the bathroom. No Angela. His friends and I looked through the club and went outside. No Angela. Jared and I went back inside... I sent him into the men's bathroom just in case she was just that drunk. No Angela. We swept the club..again then back outside. No Angela.

We decided to go over to the Vault just in case... left his friends outside Jake's. Just as we turned the corner.. off by the Vault was Angela bebopping down the side walk. I yelled out to her... asked her what she was doing.. and told her never to do that again... I was sooo worried. I thought something bad had happened. This is where she says she went looking for Dionna but couldn't find her.

So into the Vault we go. No Dionna or Rose. We go back to Jakes... they are not there either... and now we've managed to loose Jared's friends. Ugh. Angela in tow we go back to the Vault... up the stairs... we finally run into two of his friends, Robert and Sierra (wild huh?). Angela takes them downstairs to go dance.

Jared and I continue on our hunt for our drunken friends. Down the stairs we go... when lo and behold.. there is Dionna and April. I'm irritated by now and just want to go home. I felt like we were babysitting. Finally we all managed to be on the dance floor but were missing Robert. Jared texts him... he's at Jake's.

So the world is right again... I go outside and sit down.. it is like 1 am. After a few minutes of a breather I go back in.. dance a little bit but am not having much fun. Jared and I decide we want to go home... so we start rounding everyone up.... or so we think. By 1:30 we head outside... just the two of us.. thinking they are following us.

We soon find out they are not.. and we sit outside freezing our asses off waiting for them because we cannot go back in now. Around 1:45 Robert comes rolling up talking about how he just had the best conversation with some guy and his girlfriend. So here we are... waiting.... freezing.

Finally the girls come rolling out. Dionna, Angela, and Rose are all falling over each other. Angela and Rose decide to take their shoes off... I hurry them along... eager to get home by then. They decide they want a hot dog outside of Jake's.

This is where I took Jared's friends and piled them in my car leaving Jared with Angela, Dionna, and Rose. We four get in my car and start our hour drive home. I call Jared a few times but get no answer... thinking they just must have the music loud and don't worry.

I'm about 20 miles out of town when my phone rings.. its Jared.

"Hey Jare Bear... how's everything- oh you're IPOD is in my glove box, right?"

"Yeah it is... but we have a problem- you might need to come back"

"What?", I said as I pulled the car off the road.

"The girls got into a fight and now Dionna won't let Angela in the car."

I sigh... get a little bit of the story and ask for Dionna to be put on the phone.

"Hey Dionna... you need to get in the car.. Jared is going to drive you guys home"

The response I get is somewhat calm but soon turns to her bashing Angela. I'm getting more and more upset saying that we are all going home tonight and she needs to just get in the car. By the end Im screaming for her to "get in the fucking car" then tell her to give the phone back to Jared.

I tell him that I don't care what happens... get them in the car.. we're going home. In th background I can hear Angela screaming and tell him to let me talk to her. Again I'm calm at first but become pretty agitated quickly... telling her to get in the car. She says she would but Dionna won't let her.

By now I'm pissed and tell her to give the phone back to Jared.

"I'm coming back and you tell those fuckers I'm pissed cause this is bullshit."

I end the call. There is no exits near to turn around so instead I use one of this turn arounds that is illegal for people to use. I didn't care... I was pissed... I was tired.. and I wanted to go home.

Half way back Jared and I are on the phone again... nothing has changed... told him I'd be there in ten minutes.

I just pull off the exit... going around the curves quickly with two passed out drunk people in my backseat when my phone rings. It's Jared- they've got into the car. By then I had had it. I told him to stay there because I had not just drove back twenty miles just to turn around again.

I pull up shortly after.. get out of the car... slam the door. I go up to a quiet SUV and begin to lay into them.

"This is bullshit... why did I have to come back and deal with this? I've babysat all night and all I want to do is go home".

Angela has her arms crossed staring out the window.. Dionna is doing the same. This is where Dionna lays into Angela again.. I scream that I dont care what happened.

"Jared give me my keys and get out" Dionna said

"NO! We're all going home tonight.. Jared is driving you guys home" I screamed.

"I'm just going to sleep here", she said back.

I start to freak out again... that we are ALL going home and Jared is driving. Then I snatch open Angela's door realizing that Jared would not have a peaceful drive home.

"Get out of the car! You're going with me... GET OUT OF THE CAR!".

By then I'm freaking out and Angela is franticly trying to get out. Once securely in my car.. we all leave. Angela rants for like twenty minutes before she passes out.

The story as I get it now is this. Jared wanted a hot dog... but didn't have any money left. Rose and Dionna were going to eat their hot dog in front of him and not give theirs up or buy him one. Angela called them out on it.. saying it was bullshit because Jared had babysat them all night and was being their designated driver.

Apparently this is where all hell broke loose and I was called.

Through the drive home.. Jared and I called each other to check in. We were like ten minutes away from home when I get a call from him (its almost 4 am by now).

Dionna's car ran out of gas this time. Seriously... if anything else could go wrong.

I sigh.. turn around... AGAIN. Go get gas and a gas can to get them off the side of the road. $17 later I'm helping put the gas in the car so we can all just go home.

I dropped Jared's friends off at his house... went and picked up Jared and Rose from Dionna's house then dropped them off. By the time I made it home it was a little after 4:30 am. I climbed into bed and wished I had just stayed home that night.

Seriously it was a night from hell... I've decided never to be a DD for them ever again.. or if I do... to not babysit... but that is unlikely. I cannot explain how happy I was to be in bed next to Ben when I got home... it was a great feeling.