solitude

I'm cold... I decide to take a shower... this always warms me up. I turn on the water and let Ben know I'm just going to grab a quick shower in hopes that I won't be cold anymore. Stepping into the shower I position myself under the spray of water... feeling each drop hit my head and cascade down my naked body.

Slowly the chill bumps fade away and my skin starts to feel heated. My mind wanders... thinking of all the things I'd like to be doing... dreaming of Ben. I could call him... and he could join me... but the idea of letting the fantasy grown in my head... all night... is far more tempting...

And so my mind takes me off....

Ben gets into the shower.. I feel his presence and turn around. His arms wrap around me.. his hand touching my back.. pulling me into his unclothed body. Our lips meet... his enveloping mine... it's intense and passionate.

I hear the pounding of my heart... it beats louder than the falling water. My breath quickens... I want him.

He breaks our embrace... turning me around. He pushes the upper part of my body forward a bit then hooks one arm around my shoulders and the other around my stomach. In one quick motion... he enters me forcefully. A moan escapes my lips.

He starts thrusting into me firmly... filling me then pulls me upright.. against his chest. I feel his teeth sink into my tender flesh which makes my pussy tighten. He lets out a happy groin... fully aware of what he does to me.

He keeps pounding... till he finally fills my hungry cunt. With that he pulls out.. kisses my shoulder and leaves the shower.

The water starts to run cold by now.. when I realize that I've spent all my hot water day dreaming... my shower is over.

Friends Award

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

The Rules to accepting this award: “Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Lalana was the dear that gave me this award on her blog... so a big thank you and hug to her! And apparently kitten did as well.... found that as I was looking up her link... soooooooo thank you and hugs to her too!! (I feel super special right now!) I have NO idea how I'm going to come up with eight.. but here goes! (I just know I'll do repeats... but yeah.. lol)

Kitten- She is actually the first blog I ever stumbled onto and have been reading since... I'd say just over a year now :-)

Mina and Sylvanus- A repeat I know.. but a good one!! I adore both of them... I love how real they are and how they are unafraid of showing their true selves.

Anakin and Padme Amidala- I cant put my finger on exactly why I enjoy reading their blog... but I do...

Mrs Inconspicuous There is something about this blog.... the way she writes.. it puts me into this trance... a good one though

..... and I got nothing... I dunno! I'm so bad at this.... maybe I'll be able to come up with more....

if I were to die tomorrow...

If I were to die tomorrow... I could look back and say.... I lived my life the best way I knew how.

I knew love and hurt.... I knew how good a hard days work felt.

I would know how good basking in the summer sun feels on your skin.. and how that can turn a bad day around.

I would know that I was lucky... lucky to have a wonderful husband that comes home to me every night... that shows me everyday just how much he loves me... that there is nothing he would not do for me.

I would know the joy being a parent brings.... the way they do something silly or kind... and it makes your heart explode with such love... such pride... such devotion.

I would know that sometimes people hurt you for no other good reason than to just do it.... and that all you can really do is move forward.

I would know the heartache of losing a parent to death... but also would have come to the realization of just how much he meant to me.

I would have known that friends aren't always forever.. and that few things are.

I would have known what it was like to come from nothing... to work hard to overcome that... and be better off in life than I ever expected.

I would know that a pet is a wonderful thing to have... to love... they too have a special place in ones life.. just like a family member.

I would know that love is powerful... and even though it does not conquer all.... the world would be a sad... empty place without it.

I would know that I loved my life... that I wouldn't change it.. even the hard times.

I would know that I had not seen all the places I wanted, but that I sure was trying.

I would have known what it felt like to laugh until I cried... until my chest hurt from doing so.

I would have known how wonderful sex is... and that it can be an Earth shattering thing.

I would have known how taking part in a snowball fight makes you feel like your ten again.

I would have known what true beauty is... and that it is really hard to put into words.... and how that beauty takes your breath away.

I would know that sometimes you just have to cry... sometimes its the only thing that will take the weight off you in that moment.

I would have known... I was true to me and my family... that the things that were most important to me were always number one... that no matter how many years I was lucky enough to live on this world... I lived... every moment of each day.. and that is all I can do... is just be.

in the depths...

I was.. and maybe still am.. reluctant to write this post. Its deep and raw... a glimpse into my mind. I figured.. what the hell do I have to lose... and now I'm writing.

I went to a baby shower today. I adore the woman.. she is one of my closest friends. With all the IUD issues I've been having and the possibility of pregnancy in my mind... it is really no wonder why I'm feeling a bit upside down right now.

I have been going back and forth on this whole baby issue. I have always swayed more towards no way than to a yes. Part of me thinks that it wouldn't be so bad to have another child... that it would be wonderful to carry another baby... to bring a life that into the world that is ours. But in that same thought.. I think of how much that would change. And deep down.. I am terrified it will change my relationship.. that it will put a wedge between us instead of bringing us closer.

Silly.. yes... but that is my irrational fear. Out there for the world to see... this is me... this is who I am.

From one moment to another I just never know what I'll be feeling or thinking. This inner turmoil is hard for me. Very hard. Tonight has been difficult on my emotions... my mind is running in several different ways.

It occurred to me tonight.. that.. at some point.. I think I've lost sight of who I am. I've prided myself for so long for knowing who I am... and what I want... but in this moment.. I don't. I was this confident.. sexual... woman. Right now.. I don't feel like that person. My sexuality defines a lot of who I am. Lame? Perhaps. And right now... I feel kind of numb. I feel consumed. I liked being that person... I felt good as that person.. free... I felt that there was no limit to what I could do and experience.

I'm not sure what to do... I want to say this all ties into the whole IUD thing.. and if that is the case.. then I seriously need to make some huge decisions and do something permanent. I honestly do not want to go through this again... this whole experience has been very trying- very draining.

I want things to just return to how they were. I don't think that is too much to ask. It just goes to show how I'm not a woman of change.. I like things to stay the way they are. I like the known because the unknown scares the shit out of me.

I really hate that this is the turn my blog has taken. But. It's real. It's life.. just the way it is.. no fiction.. no story. If I had it in me.. I'd write sexy stories all the time.. but I don't. This is what my life in this moment... like it or not.

what's happening to me?

When did sex two times a week become part of my life? What happened and when did this change take place.... and when did I become okay with it? Okay, but truly missing it. This shift in our sex life... is it because of all the drama surrounding my birth control.. or is it something more? Between that... his back hurting... being tired... or not feeling good... it seems that sex is something that is few and far between now.

This scares me like I cannot describe... while this shift continue to where its once a week? Or heaven forbid... once a month!? I don't think I could handle that. I want to say that when I do get my IUD back.. that things will go back to normal.. but I'm not sure about that.

As it is... we're looking at another two weeks of waiting for that to happen. The doctor wanted to wait a little longer to reinsert... to have a blood test.. he doesn't want to take any chances that I could possibly be pregnant. I say.. that sucks.. big time. I'm really sick of this limbo and how it fucks with my head... maybe it's fucking with Ben's head too.. who knows.

We talk about it... but still that does not give me full insight to what is going on in his head. All I know is what I'm going through and I feel like our world is upside down. Like we're in the twilight zone... where things are not as they should be. I'm tired of thinking about this.. about writing about it... I want to write about exciting, sexual things that get my blood boiling just by retelling it.

Yes.. this is real life... yes.. we're still happy.... yes... we still have sex.. just not as often... but damn it.. I'm sick of it. Sick of the uncertainty... the wondering... and being told that I should not have sex at all... or if I have no self control... condoms. Well, obviously this guy does not know me... because there is no way I can go without two weeks without sex laying next to Ben every night... feeling his warmth up against me. Yeah. No. Way.

I so badly want to feel him right now... his hands on my body... cause that want is still there.. that need... the primal one. The one that makes me want him.. that aches to feel him... and turns me to a puddle at the thought of him.

Geez.. I need to get laid.

Sugasm #159

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #160? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
The Annual Anti-Valentine’s Day Posting: 2009 Edition
“Ahh, Valentine’s Day. Sigh.”

Exposed
“We talk a lot about putting me on display, and it was even more intense in reality as it has been in fantasy.”

Yes
“At the edge of the precipice, my nerves rippling with electricity, i tumbled down into you”

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Compassion: A Call From Baghdad

Editor’s Choice
Stairwell

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
A different approach to polyamory
Do vegetarians make good lovers?
Fantasies
Onesies and Twosies
Things I’ve Discovered I Like
Understanding Masturbation Addiction [podcasturbation]

Sex News, Review, and Interviews
20 Questions with Shawn (aka Syd Blakovich)
The Choices We Make…
Stars In My Eyes
Tribute to Milton

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Dakoda Brookes
Hearts -HNT
In the garden of lust
Kiki

BDSM & Fetish
25 Things, the Kinky Way
The Domme Experiment - The Result
Firsts, part 2
Permission
Single Minded Passion
“There is no ’should’” and the sex-positive “agenda”

Erotic Writing and Experiences
A Bossy Blowjob
Concrete
A Gift for Daddy
Guess Who I Came Across At The Weekend?
My Idea…
Naughty Rose goes bananas!
Petulant and Demanding
The Scream
While She was Waiting

how do you forgive and forget?

Throughout my young life... I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design... but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past.... people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there's that saying... it's easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem... I'm having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don't think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school... first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated... and I'm not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn't find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me.... this was just in a long line of wrongings... and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see... this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It's funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been "friends" for so long... been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I've never been able to forgive her.... she still emails me from time to time. I'm not sure what she expects... if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can't do that... every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do... and so I won't.

However, there is a part of me that says... its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I've toyed with the idea of emailing her... and forgiving her... to let it go... for me. The thing is.. I don't want to forgive her.. I don't want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that... out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable... it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic... but I assure you... its not.

One of them is an ex... my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time... we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship... he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave... my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out... events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell... in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won't retell it. But.. I will tell... the third person plays into this story as well...

The good news is... out of all of this... I have learned many things... and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One's that I trust and love... which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive... I just don't have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I'm sure.... one I have to live with. I just wish I could.