four weeks

We watched Seven Pounds with Will Smith in it last night. I have to say, this is one of the saddest movies I have seen in a very long time. The premise of the movie was different... but definitely something different.

In the movie, Will Smith meets a woman who is terminally ill. She has chronic heart failure and is given four to six weeks to live.

After we watched it (and I cried.. hard)... we headed to bed. The wheels in my head started to turn. What if I was told I only had four weeks to live? What would I do? How would I live the last thirty days of my life?

I mulled over things in my head... and found myself over come with emotion at this. All the things I would miss... birthdays.. weddings.. holidays.... what to pick and choose... what is most important... ran around inside my skull.. doing a little tap dance on my heart.

So here's what I came up with.. in no particular order.

write letters to my girls for special occasions... milestone birthdays.. wedding days.. graduations
write good bye letters to all that I hold dear
spend an afternoon with each of the girls just one at a time.. doing whatever they wanted
go do a complete spa treatment
spend a full day in bed with Ben... having sex.. laughing.. cuddling.. and Im sure crying
go to the coast.. see the ocean one last time
have a full family bbq
watch the sunset
stay up all night and watch the sunrise
quit my job
get a family portrait done
eat at my favorite restaurant
doing a weekend in Vegas.. renew our vows
throw a birthday party for the girls
take a long hot bath with candles.. the radio... and Ben
go for a drive in the mountains
visit one place I've never seen before.. like Vancouver, BC
spend one whole day watching movies
spend one whole day outside... soaking up the sun
sleep till noon one day and not feel guilty about it


When all is said and done... it really amazes me just what things I love to do.. did not make the list. The simple things are the things that are most important... but in the same thought.. they aren't so simple. I hope upon hopes that I never am faced with that knowledge... that my days are numbered. It would be the single most scary thing I've ever endured.

I want a life filled with lots of years ahead of me... filled with my family... and my friends. I want to grow old next to my husband and watch my children grow... and have children of their own. My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced something like that... it is terribly heart breaking.. no words do it justice.

how do you forgive and forget?

Throughout my young life... I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design... but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past.... people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there's that saying... it's easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem... I'm having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don't think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school... first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated... and I'm not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn't find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me.... this was just in a long line of wrongings... and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see... this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It's funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been "friends" for so long... been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I've never been able to forgive her.... she still emails me from time to time. I'm not sure what she expects... if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can't do that... every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do... and so I won't.

However, there is a part of me that says... its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I've toyed with the idea of emailing her... and forgiving her... to let it go... for me. The thing is.. I don't want to forgive her.. I don't want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that... out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable... it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic... but I assure you... its not.

One of them is an ex... my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time... we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship... he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave... my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out... events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell... in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won't retell it. But.. I will tell... the third person plays into this story as well...

The good news is... out of all of this... I have learned many things... and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One's that I trust and love... which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive... I just don't have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I'm sure.... one I have to live with. I just wish I could.

life before

I really wanted to throw a blog out there that was not sex related (because I'm not a complete horndog hehe). So this is it.

With my impending anniversary on the horizon... it has me thinking of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful partner/lover/husband/friend. So much of my life was a struggle and filled with many unhappy moments before he came into my life. Some of these were self induced and others were not.

Admittedly, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for these moments that lead up to this moment. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned in my 25 years. With pain comes knowledge.

The only blog that I have ever done is on Myspace. A couple months ago I was bored and started reading through the old ones. It took me back to a time where I was feeling a lot of heartbreak. The back story is sort of important but not necessary to understand how I felt at that time. I was in love.... with the only other man I have ever been other than Ben. Due to some circumstances... we could not be together as we had planned. I knew there was a reason, simply cause there is always a reason for why things work out like they do.

Reading it now.. it seems so dramatic... but thats how I felt then... deep in my heart... it was a dark time. Below is the blog.

Everything changes..

Do you ever just listen to a song and it makes perfect sense in that very moment? It just fits... and you attach yourself to that song. You lay there.. and stare off and know exactly what they meant when they wrote it. I don't know if I would call that a moment of clarity or a break in reality.

I laid in bed this morning after my shower staring at the ceiling. Listening to this song.. over and over. I know I could have laid there all day, thinking... wondering why things have to be the way they are. I know this doesn't make much sense to anyone.. but myself.. and one other person. I just don't understand how life can be so cruel sometimes. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason.... and I am yet... after all this time has passed to understand exactly what the reasoning is for that pain.

I have to say that the last couple weeks have been a roller coaster ride that I deffinately want off. I don't like feeling this way... I don't like feeling out of control. I know what I want, just not how to get it... if I ever can.

What scares me the most... is being old and alone. That seems so selfish... but it's the truth. I can honestly say I've only ever been in love once and the idea of never feeling half of what I felt then scares the hell out of me. In my eyes... I keep trying to find something that even comes close to that and it all comes up so short... it doesn't cast the smallest shadow on that feeling. I don't know, maybe it's me not letting it happen.... or my heart letting me know not to settle. Maybe you only have one true love your whole life and are lucky to find that.... but what if you can't HAVE that?

It's true... everything changes... and trying to hold onto the stuff that changed... is impossible. Sad but true.

You know what I am now? I'm in love. Deeper than I ever thought possible... my how you don't see that when you're heartbroken. When you think that you're life will never get better. I am so happy... happier than I've ever been in my life. And, I am thankful. Thankful to have all that I have... to be able to share that with Ben is a dream I only thought was in my head. I am truly blessed.

Life before was dark.. and I feel like I stepped into the light.... and see the world with new fresh eyes.