I'm on the outside... and I'm looking in

I went to a Munch today.. solo as Ben had to work late and would not be able to attend. Seems like...I always come home feeling the same way. I get home and feel a bit bummed and kind of on the outside. I must say.. that the people at the Munches are awesome and I really enjoy spending time getting to know them... BUT...

I feel... like I don't belong.. that I'm not nearly as experienced as they are... and half the time have no idea what they are talking about. I have not actually tried most of what they do... and it makes me feel weird... that I have nothing to contribute. Like I'm a pretending to me something I'm not...

Like see... they are trying to organize a play party... which sounds like a ton of fun... but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable going honestly. I would be surrounded by all these people that have tons of different, more lengthy experience... and it would be really... I dunno.. uncomfortable I guess.

I dunno... I'm feeling kinda... weird about it all... kinda down.. which I don't understand. I guess when it comes down to it.. I would like to further our experience as a couple... I'm sure thats the root of this all.

I just have to remember to take baby steps as I have been doing this all longer than Ben... we go at the pace he is comfortable.. and I'm okay with that. I just want to be able to join in with all of them.. and have something to add to the conversation.. not be a bump on a log that is just there taking up space.

How the kinky met the.... not so kinky

First off... Happy 2009... a fresh start and so forth. It feels like just another day to me... but... yeah. I hope everyone is feeling well on this rainy New Year's Day... I know Ben... is not.

So last night we had a poker party as stated in my previous post. Everyone filed in shortly after 8... booze in tow... and few donned my party attire... but the ones who did were to coolest kids in the house (hehe... I, of course, was one of the few).

We had a mixed bunch last night... a handful of our kinky friends, some of Ben's work buddies (non judgemental ones), and my sister and brother-in-law. My sister is kind of a prude.. she can be fun sometimes... but other times... she is the type of person who if its not something she's into... then its gross or wrong.

Very early on in the night it came out that I swallow.. she thought this was gross. The way I see it... if your man is willing to go down on YOU then how is it any different.... poor brother-in-law. But whatever... if that's how she wants to be... sexually closed off... that is her problem and she is the one missing out on lots of fun times.

The drinks poured and lots of poker was played. It was a really fun night.. filled with laughter.. (and some snorting... heh...). One of our chairs fell apart on someone... which was funny as hell. Apparently I was fondled while my eyes were covered.... and yes.. there's a picture to prove it. Ben got totally wasted... poor thing.. I've seen him drunk... but never seen him get sick. Last night was a first for that. I hate that I couldn't do anything for him- but that was after everyone went home.

At some point in the night.... we were throwing around streamers... and Ben wrapped some around my throat from behind and pulled. My sister was like "looks like he's into bondage tonight"... which is shocking coming from her.. she was totally cool last night. That was awesome. BUT all our kinky friends were over on their part of the table giggling their asses off at that one... if she only knew.

We did watch the ball drop... and had champaign.. which I hate.. but took a sip of. All in all it was one hell of a fun night. It went off without any issues.. and I'm so thankful for that. You just never know what will happen when you get a group of different types of people together. They just all proved to me what great people they all are... and why we have them in our lives.

So, good bye to 2008... and hello 2009... I hope that this year is just as good as the last... if not better. I look forward to many fun.... touching... and erotic moments... and wish you all the same!

the kinkier side of me

I guess that Ben and I are what some would call weekend ass slapers. Im not sure that truly captures the essence of us, though. I have felt my submissive urges my whole life. Both long term relationships I had before Ben I was always in control... I ran everything. It was completely unsatisfying to me.

Now saying that, I dont mean that I feel the need to have someone run my life for me. I am completely capable of doing this. It works for some... but would not for me. I just have an incredible urge to be controlled sexually. It excites me like nothing else.

It wasnt until right before I met Ben that I allowed myself to explore these feelings. I had met a guy named Joe who brought this out in me... that helped me come out of my shell so to speak. It was what I have come to call my sexual awakening.

He and I became fuck buddies.. but only on a kinkier side of things. We never once had any sort of vanilla sex... and I loved it. He would tie me up and use me.. and it blew me away how much I truly loved it. I felt so safe with him... and had a level of trust that surprises me even to this day. I just knew in my heart he would never harm me.

We had some fun times... ones I will never forget. I will always be thankful to him for helping me in a sense. It definitely helped me in my current relationship. It made it easier to finally tell someone what I needed... the deep dark desires I was always afraid to tell.

Fortunately for me, Ben is very much into this. He is very dominate in bed. You would never guess it if you met him on the street... he's so easy going and nice. This all changes when we're alone and he has my face shoved into the pillow. :-)

Our kink came into play pretty early on. We play quite often. There is generally some sort of dominance play in most of our sex.. such as a slap on the ass.... pulling my hair hard.... and lots of breath play (which is something exclusive to our relationship.. I had never trusted anyone that much until him). This is why I dont really feel like we are weekend ass slapers. We just arent lifestylers.

I find people who live that lifestyle so fascinating, as you can probably see by the blogs I frequent. I have such respect for the way they live... it fascinates me on a level I cannot describe. I by no means think I am right for this... but I think the reason why it interests me so is because I want to understand it. I want to know why someone would do this.... though, Im sure I will never have this questioned answered as I have been searching for it some time. Perhaps if I knew and understood.... it would loose intrigue for me... but perhaps not.

The thing that stands out so much to me is the level of respect and support in this community. Its very much live and let live... and I love that. It speaks volumes about who they are... and for this I have very deep respect. Its so hard these days to find anyone who does not pass judgment on someone else. It truly amazes me.

So maybe Im wrong in my assumption of what we are or what we do. But it works for us.