this girl's life

C is for....

2010-04-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

Cherry Blossoms

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This is probably one of my favorite times of year next to fall. My town's neighborhood roads are lined with pink trees.. some of which are cherry blossom trees. Its quite possibly the only pink thing I truly love. They are so bright an cheery and when it gets close to the end of their blooming cycle... it rains pink flowers.

There is nothing like it really... driving down the road and going through a blizzard of flowers. It doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in, this makes me smile. Two weeks ago, this particular road was alive with color... and then.... they started to fall. In another two weeks... there will be no trace of them left. Such a short time... for such beauty.

B is for.....

2010-04-22T17:27:00.001-07:00

Bakery

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I work in a bakery. I've worked there for six years now... and I love what I do. It's fun and challenging at times. It's nice that I have the freedom to be creative sometimes... while still sticking to the company's idea of how they want their cakes and products to look.

These are our two ovens... they are busy most of the day with various things we make. I almost never use them because well... I'm not a baker. :-) During the winter after I come back from lunch or break I'm usually cold... and always head for one of these to warm myself in. Two minutes in a 400 degree oven always does the trick!

This is our big mixer that is used to make my butter cream and other things on. It's actually taller than I am. KitchenAid has nothing on this mixer hehe. When I snapped this picture, they were busy making lemon meringues.

The bowl above is where the icing is made then it is transferred into this hip high bucket. We have three (two for white and one for chocolate) and go through several of these a week. That bucket was full this morning and only has about a fourth left in it now... we were kind of busy today.

This is our top fancier case.... the finished product. It always makes me smile when people walk up and say things like they're just drooling or that the stuff in that case looks amazing. We get asked all the time if it is even real. It's pretty cool.

But... that's my bakery... where I spend forty hours of my week at. There are certainly worse places to work.

HNT: symbols

2010-04-21T20:07:00.001-07:00

symbol (sim-buhl)-noun: something used for or regarded as representing something else; a material object representing something, often something immaterial; emblem, token, or sign.

There are many symbols in our world.
When a person wears a ring on their left hand... generally it means that that person is spoken for... married or intent. Sometimes it's just a sign of commitment. Either way there is a heavy weight put behind this outward statement of such an inner feeling.

For me... my wedding and engagement rings are a sign that I am married. It means that I have promised myself to my husband for the rest of my time on this Earth. I wear my rings everyday... all day. They are special to me... a part of who I am now.

When a person wears a collar... generally it means a person is owned in some form or another. The depth of such ownership is decided upon the couple. A collar is also equally as heavily weighted as a ring as it is not something that should be taken upon lightly. It's a commitment all of its own... to be in a relationship that is ran by one partner sexually and/or in everyday life.

For me... my collar is a sign that Ben is my dominant... sexually. We are equal partners in all other things. It means that I agree to submit to him... to meet a sexual need we both have. I wear my collar everday... all day. It is special to me... a part of who I am.

A is for.....

2010-04-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

Ive decided to try something new... I'm not really sure what direction it will take... but I'll start here. I'm going to go through the alphabet.... with pictures. I'm not going to put restrictions on the pictures... so they quite possibly will be all over the board.
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Animals

Our pets are very much a part of our family.... like more kids.. only smaller and furry :-) We have three cats.. each with their own personality.

This is Piggy. He is our oldest at eight years old and our first. Piggy was Ben's before we got together. When we moved in together... he brought Piggy with him. He is quite possibly the sweetest cat ever. He sleeps with us each night.. usually at my feet. He's very much a cat of habit... very much like Ben and I. He loves turkey deli meat and can recognize the sound of the plastic baggy from the other room. He also loves his belly rubbed and would be quite happy to just let you do that all day long. We call him by all sorts of names... Piggers... Buddy... Buckeroo... its kinda silly.

This is Brandi... she is the second oldest at six years old. We got her from the humane society less than a year after we moved in together. We felt bad that Piggy was all alone during the day.. and decided to get him a friend. We fell in love with her.. she's very much a talker. When we brought her home...she hated Piggy... but didn't have it in our hearts to take her back. She had already been at the shelter for a year... she needed a home. We think she was abused in her previous home.. she's very flighty- even after all this time we've had her. She's better now... but still not over it. I feel bad for her. We've nicknamed her Girl.. as we never felt that Brandi really fit her.
This is Sammie and our youngest at just at two years old. We got her right after we returned home for our first anniversary trip in Vegas. We got her for the same reason we got Brandi... a friend for Piggy. This time we decided a kitten was the way to go. We also got her from the humane society. She was only like six weeks old and fit in the palm of our hands. She earned the nickname Wee Lil because of that... along with a dozen other nicknames. We almost never call her Sammie anymore. Shes full of energy... very much a kitten still. She will run full board through the house and antagonize the other two cats.

So that's our furry babies... our family wouldn't be complete without them.

Our Anniversary Weekend away (Day one... part two)

2010-04-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read part one yet... feel free to do so here. :-)

When we got up to our room.. I kicked off my heels. I was certainly happy about that after hiking half a mile back to hotel. That sure doesn't SEEM like a lot... but when you don't wear heels a lot, it sure is. I walked over to the huge windows and pulled open the curtains. I looked out over the city towards the Space Needle all lit up... and smiled. It had been a wonderful night.... quite possibly one of the best dates we have ever been on.

Ben walked up behind me... wrapping his arms around me. We stood there together.. soaking in the beautiful sight and just enjoying being together. I closed my eyes and sighed... knowing that this moment was perfect- that nothing else mattered at that second but being there with him.

Minutes passed before I felt the warm touch of his lips on my neck. My eyes stayed shut... as they continued down my neck to my left shoulder. I turned my head back just enough for me to open my eyes to see him just for him to look up at me. My breathing was already shortening.... my body already tingly and needing him.

Our lips met... kissing each other wanting to encompass each other. I shifted.. turning around to face him... he wrapped his arms around me pulling my body into his. Our hands wandered... my hands reached around running my fingers over the fabric that covered his ass.

His mouth parted from mine... and back to my neck causing my head to fall to the side allowing him access. In my daze... he had unzipped my dress.... and then pulled it down off my shoulders. It fell to the ground, a puddle at my feet leaving me only in my bra in front of him. I took the opportunity to pull his shirt out of his pants then started unbuttoning it.... wanting him in the same state of undress as me.

Once all the buttons had cleared the holes.... I ran my hands up his chest... our mouths busy with each other. I reached his shoulders then pushed the fabric off him... adding to the pile at our feet. Quickly my fingers went to work on his belt... unbuckling it.. then to his pants. Before long... we were both completely naked.

Ben pushed me to the floor... and I wasted no time taking his cock into my mouth. He sighed with pleasure finally feeling the wetness of my orifice. I went slow at first.... on my knees... while he looked out over the city, knowing that at any minute someone from the neighboring apartments could see in. What a show that would have seen.

My pace picked up.. his hand on my head.... his hips meeting my movements. He was becoming rougher... taking charge in only the way he can do to me. He pulled away... turning me then pushing my face down, leaving my ass in the air. Ben straddled me and slid in with such force it took all I could for my face not to rub against the carpet.

He slammed into me over and over.... I still struggled to keep my head away from the carpet... it certainly was a challenge. It was a balancing act between pleasure and pain... so much so... I wasn't sure how I felt about it... but I went with it anyway.

Finally he decided I had enough.... and got off me... pulling me onto the bed. I laid on my side giving him entrance to any hole of his choosing. My leg hooked his waist pulling him to me... till I felt the head of his cock press against my ass. He pressed gently... I gasped... then asked for lube (that I had conveniently packed for such an occasion... always be prepared for anything on vacation I say).

He reached over to the end of the bed where our black backpack was laying.... I guided him to the right pouch. He pulled it out... drizzled some on us both... then guided his cock into my ass. As always he met some resistance but slowly kept to his task of stretching. When he finally was in to the hilt... he gradually moved in and out... getting the muscles to relax and accept the intrusion.

Once I was just as much into it... over the initial pain.... he quickened his motion. My hand was on his chest... moaning with pleasure..... the other on my clit. Time faded away... I don't know how long we were at it before I begged him to cum. I needed to feel him fill me... to fill my ass...

My fingers moved up to his nipple... tweaking it... knowing that would push him over the edge. His movements started to become ragged... I knew he was close. I knew all I had to do.... just a few words...

"Cum in my ass please".

His eyes snapped shut.... a few more thrusts... and then his body shook... and he grunted with each spurt inside of me. A couple more thrusts left him completely spent... he pulled out... then laid down next to me. I curled up into his arms. It was just after midnight by then... our anniversary.

"Happy Anniversary baby... I love you", I said... laying my head on his chest and sighing.

The perfect date indeed.

Our Anniversary Weekend away (Day one... part one)

2010-04-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

For our anniversary... we decided we'd take a little weekend trip to celebrate. We picked Seattle because its close and there's plenty of stuff to do. We left Saturday mid day after we had laid around in bed.... starting off our vacation in true couple fashion. The two hour drive was nice as we had picked the perfect weekend to go. There was no rain to speak of and the sun was out. For those of you who live in the Northwest, I'm sure you can appreciate that.
We had next to no traffic till we got near downtown... which wasn't bad considering. Once we got off the interstate we made a beeline for Pike Place Market. I love the market... if I lived in Seattle... I would shop for all my fresh produce there. This place is just so alive... so much energy... it has a life of its own. Yes, its crowded... but I think its part of its charm.

We wandered around.. looking at all sort of things... just enjoying our time together. We had no where to be... no plans until later. I love the freedom of just being together. It was a much needed time away.

One of my favorite parts about the market is the flower. During the winter they sell dried flowers (which they had a few still left), but spring is now in full bloom and there were tulips everywhere! I love seeing the pairings... the bouquets... they're lovely.

After we left Pike Place, we headed over to our hotel. Check in went quickly... and then we headed up to our room. We got a room with a great view of the Space Needle with a huge bed.. and wonderful soaking tub.

We laid around for a while.. watching tv.. and just laying in bed cuddling. This time away was about being together... the activities really didn't matter to us. Before we knew it, it was time to get ready to head off to our dinner cruise.
I put on my dress and got all prettied up. We were quite the attractive couple... all arm and arm together.. I do love being on the arm of my husband. We headed to the pier and waited. It was a bit chilly... but it was nice.
The dinner cruise was amazing. The sights were lovely.... and the food was so yummy. We cruised around the Puget Sound and Lake Washington.. which included seeing Bill Gates house lol.
We had bruschetta, a green salad, garlic peppercorn bread, beef tenderloin, and then a raspberry chocolate mousse to finish it off. Each course was brought out perfectly timed to each leg of the cruise and set to a live guitar music.

The best part was watching the sun set over the Cascade Mountains. There's something breathtaking about watching the sun glimmer over the water. The way it shines so softly in the distance.. kissing the earth laid out before us.
When the cruise was over.. we headed back to the hotel to drop off the car. We hopped into a cab. This guy had NO idea where we were wanting to go... and the trip there cost twice as much as it should have. He ran three yellow lights (they turned red before we even were under them) and almost hit a couple guys there were crossing the road. Needless to say.. I was slightly terrified.

But, we made it to our destination unharmed. He headed into this bar and grill that boasts 160 beers on tap. It was truly impressive. Ben ordered a sampler and I got a mixed drink. I was pretty disappointed in mine... probably the worst drink I've ever had. Ben liked his though, which was the only reason I picked to go to that particular place.

We sat and drank... chatting and being together before we decided to head back to our hotel around midnight. It was only a half mile back.. so we decided to walk back. It took us about twenty minutes of pain staking walking in heels to get back.. but we arrived happy and together.

We headed back upstairs to finish up our night.....

the dress

2010-04-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

I had looked far and wide for a dress for our upcoming (now passed) anniversary weekend away. You see, I'm really not a big fan of dresses. I not 100% sure why that is... I just know that I don't like them... and I know... I don't think most are very flattering on me.

About a week before we were supposed to leave.... I had enough. I hadn't found a dress... and the ones I had found quite frankly sucked ass. So.. I gave up. I was going to wear my black and blue pin striped pants. The thing is I wanted to find a new shirt to wear.

Friday I set out to find a new shirt on lunch. Much to my surprise.. I found a ton of dresses that I loved... weird. I tried them all on... and one of them was just "it". I was thrilled.. and more so when it was 50% off! Sweet deal.

Friday was the last day of work before my ten day vacation started. When I got home... Ben was just getting home around the same time. I told him about the dress then tried it on... with the shoes and earrings I planned on wearing. Ben said.... "cute". I laughed and said I didn't want to look cute.

Ben wanted to pop into the shower before my niece and her fiance showed up and so I was going to go to take off the dress. He walked up behind me.. and wrapped his arms around me.

"The best thing about a dress... is this...", he said... as his hand snaked down my thigh and hiking up my skirt. His fingers worked their way around to the round of my ass... making me exhale. Before I knew it... his fingers were working their way to my pussy... to my clit.
I pushed my ass back and against him... feeling his hardness against me.... and I must say.. I loved every moment of it.

Then out of no where... he bent me over the bed.. and slammed deep inside of me. He pounded away... the moans slipping from my lips. I could hear the tinkle of my dangly earrings with each thrust. I felt deliciously slutty. The kind of slut that is only brought out by the best lover. The kind of slut that the sophisticated woman wants to be... and is only made to be so when its forced upon them.

He pulled out.. only to let me shed my garments... and head to the shower. Inside the bathroom I was fucked before I could turn the shower on.... more inside the shower... twice before he finally decided that what he really needed was to cum inside of his wife.

I think he liked the dress.

another year

2010-04-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Three years ago.. I married my best friend... and it was the best day of my life.

Everyday since... has only been better... through the rough and the good times... he's been my rock.

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My dearest Ben...

Without you... I'd be lost. No words truly grasp the way I feel...

Happy Anniversary my love!!

HNT: lazy afternoon

2010-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Things have been so busy here... so much going on.
Its always nice to take time out to lay in bed..
even when its a wee bit chilly....

HNT: silver balls

2010-04-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Less is more?

How young... is too young?

2010-03-15T10:20:00.001-07:00

The other morning I was on my way to work... at a stop light I opened up Facebook. As the updates came... there was my 18 year old niece.... saying she was engaged. I don't know who else feels like this... but when you watch a kid grow into an adult... its hard to make that transition into thinking they truly are grown up. It was odd to see that she was in fact getting MARRIED.

I can't help but worry that she is too young... that she's see far too little of this world... and that she can't possibly know who she is yet. I know I didn't... even if I thought I did. I'm not saying that getting married at 18 doesn't work. What I am saying is... that it takes a lot of work. Marriage is work even when you're 40 let alone 18. I wonder if they truly know the gravity of what they are going into.

I know at 18 I thought I knew what the whole world was about... that I knew it all. The reality is that I am a different person now than I was then. This may not be the case for her... and for her sake... I truly hope this is true. I just really want her to be happy and have a wonderful and full life. I also hope that this works... and that twenty years from now... they are going to be going strong.

The truth is.... I do very much like her fiancee. He's a great guy... and adores my niece. I have no problem with him at all. I just worry that's all. I've always been a worrier... and I doubt that will stop anytime soon.

At any rate.. there has not been a date set. My niece is going into the Navy... and leaves for boot camp in May. She said they are going to wait till after that and some schooling she has to go through.. so at least the summer of 2011. I think that will give them time to let their very young (6ish months) relationship weather the test of time and distance. If they can make it through that... I'm fairly certain they can make it work.

Love is a strong thing...but it takes more than that to make a marriage work. I know all of you who are married totally understands that. And like I said... I just want her to be happy.... and him for that matter.... they are good people.

(And before I get attacked.... I hope that I didn't come off as saying that getting married at 18 is wrong... I just think it brings some added weight. You have to grow up together essentially. I know it's not impossible... many people have done it.)

A Tale of Two Piercings (part 2)

2010-03-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

You can find part 1 here.

Valentine's Day rolled around... it was the first day of our vacation. We didn't leave the house till the afternoon.. I believe close to one or two. I could feel the nerves welling up inside of me.... but strangely enough.. not nearly as bad as I had expected. I really assumed that I was going to be a ball full of nervousness... but really... it never was overwhelming.

Ben made sure that I wanted to do it... said that I didn't have to if I didn't want to... but I had... what.. almost five months leading up to this one day. I wanted to. The idea of them wasn't my idea to begin with... and had he never mentioned it.. I never would have done it on my own accord. Somehow over those months... it became something I really wanted too. Can't complain about that :-)

We got downtown, where the shop was. We had to park in a garage several blocks away... but it wasn't too terrible of a walk. We parked and arm in arm.. we walked down the street... chatting and enjoying our day out. The rain was a gentle sprinkle... and so we were okay without an umbrella. We did... however... walk under any canopies we passed by.

We got to the place... and with a deep breath... we pushed into the shop. At the counter was two people... a guy and a girl. I didn't make eye contact... I didn't say anything... but the idea of telling a complete stranger I wanted to get my nipples pierced slightly embarrassed me. Even so, I waltzed up to the counter with Ben... and said just that.

The guy... Charlie... started out by explaining that they didn't pierce with anything but bars... and used Tygon. This I already knew. He pulled out the beads I could choose from and laid them out on the counter. I told him I wanted something blue... and he pointed me to the few options I had. I ended up deciding on a silver ball with blue gems in them.

He took some initial information... said he was going to sterilize the jewelry and handed me a clip board to fill out some more stuff. Ben and I strolled to the couches where he looked through their portfolio. I finished up the paper work pretty quickly... and sat and waited. I took off my jacket.. I was warm... I'm thinking from the nerves. I was actually doing this. It seemed a bit crazy.

Charlie called us back into their piercing room. We chatted... in a way that was familiar about pets and stuff. It was kinda weird.. but really good.. as it put my worries at bay. I didn't get time to get all worked out and crazy. He was very good like that. He also asked if I was nervous or excited. I laughed that uneasy sort of laugh.. and said nervous for sure.

When he got all the stuff set up... he said he'd step out and let me get undressed and get comfortable. I remember feeling kinda strange... taking off my shirt and bra.. and sitting in this chair so that some guy could stick a metal needle through my nipples. Strange indeed.

When I got settled, Ben went and got him. Charlie had me stand up with my arms at my sides. He marked each side of my nipple then had me settle back in. More chatting went on. He asked me if I was feeling okay- I was... and just ready to be done.

He put these tiny scissor shaped forceps on my right nipple. He asked if they were too tight.... in my head.. I laughed... I certainly have had worse. I told him they were fine. He told me to just keep breathing and not tense up... it would only hurt worse. I couldn't look at him... or down... I just looked straight at Ben, who held my hand and looked compassionately down at me with a smile.

Then.. it was time... he counted down.. and through my nipple the needle went. I tried hard to breath.... but it was hard not to squeeze Ben's hand. I was going to a tough cookie and not cry or scream... no way. I did... intake air and make a sound.... the kinda sound you make when you're trying not to panic. Then the right one was done. Again, I was asked if I was doing alright... I was... let's keep going.

Onto the left. Same as before... I kept breathing... but never felt an adrenaline rush. Too bad too. Again.... the forceps... the count down... and the needle ripped out a piece of me. This time... it hurt much worse. I still didn't scream... but man was I glad we were done.

I could get dressed now... and I was going to do so carefully. Charlie said to sit for a few to make sure I didn't feel dizzy or what not. When I felt confident I could stand with no issues... I stood and felt dizzy almost immediately. I grabbed onto Ben's arms as my world spun. Charlie asked if I was doing okay and then said to sit for a bit longer. He went and got me a glass of water to help.

After a few minutes... I stood slowly and got redressed. It was done.... I had pierced nipples.

After we paid.... we pushed out of the store onto the streets of downtown... and I felt awesome. The piercings didn't hurt nearly as much as I had expected... the worst part was certainly the actually piercing.

It's an odd thing walking down the street with a secret piercing of sorts.... and you know.. and you feel like the whole world should know. I know that I love my piercings. I never thought I would so much... but I do. I'm so glad I got them. I've been so fortunate in my healing process too... I've had no issues and no soreness to speak of.

So that's my tale... of something that would have never been had it not been for Ben...

A Tale of Two Piercings (part 1)

2010-03-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

Sometime in October.... Ben asked me how I felt about nipple piercings. I told him that the idea kinda scared me... that I'd never just get them done just for me. I mean... obviously this is something that would hurt very, very much. He also asked if I'd ever get it done.. that he thought nipple piercings were hot. This, of course, was a huge motivator to do it... as I like doing things that my husband thinks is hot.

After some thought.. I agreed to get it done.

The first hold off came as soon as I decided to do it. With my surgery on the horizon.. I couldn't them done. So we decided that after, we'd do it. When the time came... it was Christmas and we needed to focus on spending our money on presents... it would have to wait some more.

New Year's Eve rolled around... we had a poker party. There was a mixed bag of attendees. One of the people that came was a friend of a friend. Cool chick though. She had her navel pierced several weeks before with something called Tygon. She said that it cut down her heal time considerably. We chatted briefly about it... as my sister was there.. and I wasn't wanting her to know why I was asking. She just wouldn't get it. I decided that later on, I'd email her and ask more. She just raved about the place she got it done.... and so when I went to decide where to get it done...I checked them out.

As 2010 rolled around... we were wanting to take a vacation... after being burnt out with work. I decided that we'd wait for vacation to do the piercing.. just in case I was going to be sore. I didn't exactly want to be working with sore tits lol. We planned to take the week of Valentine's Day off. The closer we got to it.. the more excited and nervous I got. I was pretty worked up about it... the last piercing I had didn't exactly work out so well. I think it lasted less than six months. I just really didn't wanna go through the pain of getting them pierced and then not having them very long.. but I was willing to give it a go.

As the week approached... Ben and I talked about Valentine's Day and what our plan was. Ben thought it'd be cool to go down to Portland and spend the day there and get my piercings. And so... that was the plan. Yes, I could still back out... but by then.. I wasn't doing it just to make him happy... I really wanted to get them done.

Even when the day approached.... I was super nervous......

TBC :-)

Ben's idea

2010-03-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

I was at work... and texting. (Yes, I know.. shame on me). Anyways... I was telling him about my most recent crazy dream. You see, I have very crazy dreams.. and am known for them. I think my all time favorite was the one where Snoop Dogg tried to kill me. It was quite funny.

In the process of the conversation... he mentioned that I should start writing down my dreams. I asked him if there was a specific reason... he only replied that it'd be interesting. So of course this planted the seed.. that has now become a new reoccurring part of my blog.

From now on.. any time I have a strange or crazy dream... ther'es a good chance it will show up on here. :-)

SOOOO on with the show. I have two different dreams to talk about... both completely different but interesting (to me atleast) in their own right.

Several days ago... I had a dream about a baby giraffe. He was the size of a half grown cat with fluffy fur instead of short hair like a normal giraffe had. He was super cute and rambunctious. Anytime the door was open... he'd take off for it.. trying to get out. You'd think it'd get annoying.. but all it did was make me laugh. AND the best part was that you could cuddle him... and while you petted him... he'd purr, just like a cat. OMG so cute.. and I want one so bad. Too bad it doesn't really exist!

Two nights ago I had a dream based in Biloxi, Mississippi. I've realized that I dream a lot about the south. I grew up there... and know it very well.. (that is the parts I've grew up in lol). I'm sure that's why it plays such a big role versus where I live now.

Anyways... I was at a casino right on the beach. It was a big resort as well... apparently it was bought by a new owner and was being remodeled. They had just put in this awesome pool area that was more of destination than just a place to swim. It was amazing... and I remember thinking how good it felt to be swimming as I don't get to often really.

I stayed at the pool for a good while until I was supposed to meet up with Ben and his best friend. Sometime in this process of meeting up with just Ben it came to attention that we were meeting up so that we could have a foursome with his BF and BF's sister. I thought this was just too weird and really didn't want to do it. I did my best to make Ben understand that... but he shrugged it off.. saying that it wasn't weird.. and it was no big deal. It was pretty frustrating.

We got into his car and were going to go meet up with them... but for some reason Ben decided to drive towards the casino. There was 3 or 4 tunneled roads that led to the underground parking area. He picked one of the middle ones that was corded off and busted through it. I was freaking out asking what he was doing... but we pressed forward down the dark road that obviously been unused for some time... it was covered in dirt and trash.

Off in the distance I realized that the road had been cut off and it was going to drop us directly into the Gulf of Mexico. I started to panic... and finally talked him into turning around. Just as he did... I woke up.

So yeah... that's a few... and there will be more in the future. I know I can't be the only one that remembers their dreams to such depths. I do find them interesting though. :-)

the surgery

2010-03-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

So where to start. I guess I should pick up from where my last post that wasn't blog ending.

I was scheduled for my tubal at the end of November... two days before Thanksgiving to be exact. It was kinda crappy.. but my choices were that or two days before Christmas... I bet you can guess why I picked November.

I spent the weekend before making pies and breads for Thanksgiving.. getting as much done as I could... as I knew I wouldn't be much help in the kitchen (and I wasn't). Finally the day arrived.

We checked in at six a.m. and did a series of waiting. I was back in the prep room around 6:30ish. I got changed into my very sexy gown and slippers. I was draped in warm blankets which soon become a little too warm. They also put these cuff things on my calves that are inflated during surgery to prevent clots. Not flattering but served a purpose.

I answered questions like if I had any jewelry on and if I was shaved (like I wouldn't be lol). Fun. Next came the iv which wasn't too bad... The nurse numbed my hand so it wouldn't hurt going in. That was a nice touch... I've never had them do that before.

Soon we were joined by the drug doc lol and my doctor. More questions and we are good to go. Ben had to leave me then. I was certainly nervous... but I was committed now.

They wheeled me down the hall to OR 3. It was cold and kinda scary. There were like seven people in there plus the docs. I waited as they prepped my table and noticed the schedule of people getting surgeries. One was a 24 year old getting a hysterectomy. That breaks my heart to even imagine...

I didn't have time to focus on that though. They had me scoot to the table. My right arm was wrapped in a warm blanket... I could feel the leg cuffs inflating. I looked up into the light as the put the knock out stuff in my iv and put my arm out on the arm rest. I heard a nurse say she was putting an patch on my chest and I looked up at the lights. And that was it.

Apparently as I was coming out (I don't remember this-Ben told me later) but I totally panicked...and started thrashing around. I had to be held down by three orderlies. I'm glad I don't remember that... I'm sure I was scared. Not a good memory to have.

What I do remember is the severe cotton mouth. I got asked in my haze if I wanted crackers or Graham crackers... I picked Graham... Took one bite but my mouth was too dry. At least I think that's all I ate. I asked for water too.

They wheeled me into another room... and Ben was finally allowed to see me again. That's where the nurse scheduled my post op appointment then asked if I felt good enough to head home. Honestly, I was still pretty loopy but I had Ben. They gave me my first dose of pain meds before having him sign my release papers.

He helped me get dressed an even put my shoes on(sweetest. man. ever.) then helped me to the wheelchair. With that.. we were on our way. We stopped long enough to get my medicine at kaiser... I decided to stay in the car...I'm not so sure I would have had the energy to go in.

When we got home I went straight to bed with help of course. Ben joined me :-) I didn't sleep well. When they do this they fill your stomach cavity with air... Not all of it comes out. So there was tons of pressure that hurt more than I can describe. It took hours to dissipate.

We stayed in bed till almost three when my back hurt too much to lay there any longer. I keep having to change positions every little bit to try to alleviate the discomfort even through the meds.

I mean...overall... It wasn't terrible but I'm very glad I don't have to do this again. It took me about three or four days to not be walking around like I was an old woman... and about a week to not feel drained at every little exertion. But... its all behind us now. It's nice to know that birth control is a thing of the past for us.

its been a while

2010-03-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

Short and sweet. Thats me. And... I'm back. I have missed blogging ever so dearly... and now its time to come back.. and try to pick up where I left off. So much has happened... little stuff and big stuff- so bare :-) with me as I try to recount what I think is important from the past six months.

I fear I have lost the few regulars I had... nevertheless.... I'll write anyways. Because after all... this blog really is for me.... I just happen to enjoy having people read as well :-)

So with that... I'm not sure at what pace I'll be pumping out posts.. but I hope its somewhat regularly!

HNT:Moving on

2009-10-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

So here we are. I never thought I'd be here.. but I'm sure that is just silly to look at things that way. Most good things come to an end. This blog has came to its end. That makes me sad... but it must happen for good reasons.

It's time to continue my story... unwritten.

Just sitting here... looking at that cursor blink... I should have more to say... some big finale... and yet I don't. It's been fun... I've enjoyed every minute of sharing a window into my world. It's given me something... something I cant quite describe. It's nice to be able to look back on stuff... to reread it and be completely wrapped up in how I felt in that moment. That is something truly special. My blog has been truly special to me.

I shall miss having my own space to the world.. but I think this will be a good thing still. I'll still be around reading... as long as other still continue to share. Thanks for reading!

I'm Moving On
Rascal Flatts

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

Love Our Lurkers... October 2009 edition

2009-10-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

So its that time again boys and girls. Its Love Our Lurkers day! This is where all you lovely lurkers should feel free to come out of hiding... say hello... we love to hear from you! It's always nice knowing who is reading. At least, thats how I feel.

Look forward to hearing from you!!!

HNT: hidden

2009-10-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

Ah.. another Thursday here... and honestly I can say... I'm not feeling so sexy today. (wow that rhymed.) With all the that's been on my plate... its hard sometimes to feel like a sexual creature.

I had my consult for a tubal ligation Monday. I was given two options. The tubal or a fairly new alternative procedure called Essure. I had a friend that had the Essure done.. and honestly, she hated it. Said she'd wished she had just had the tubal which, of course, made me a little uneasy. At first glance... it does seem like the better option. It's less invasive... no incisions.... and no down time from work.

I spent the next next scouring the internet for any info I could get on both. Stories from people that had actually experienced either... it was a long and draining process. I really didn't want to do either.... neither one of them sounded like any fun.... and I found pros and cons ran strong for both.

At the end of it, I did make a decision. The straw for me... was that the Essure has only been out since 2002... therefore... they have no idea what long term effects are. What happens in 20 years? I think that's a huge chance to take... and not one I'm willing to take.

Yes, I will have to take off a week from work (which could be a blessing in disguise)... and yes.. I'm sure I'll be sore.... and yes... I'll have scars... BUT... when I leave that day.. I will no longer have to worry about birth control. No more hormones fucking with my body and head. No more babies. And that's... what its all about for me.

So.. no, I'm not feeling very sexy... I'm still scared. I will be scared till its over. I'm waiting for the doctors office to call me to schedule my surgery. The sooner the better. I can't wait to put this year behind me... this nightmare of birth control gone wrong... and start fresh... free of the burden.

Next.... next week I'll do something better. Till then.... HHNT everyone!

HNT: steamy

2009-10-01T15:09:00.001-07:00

unquenched

2009-09-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

Because every night isn't something outta an erotica blog....

I laid there in bed... Ben's arm draped over me. I could feel the warmth of his body as he scooted closer to me. His cock managed to mold into the crease of my ass... fitting there like it's where it belonged. It's very own haven.

At first... my mind wandered.. thinking of random stuff as I often do before I fall asleep.. but tonight.. that wasn't going to work. I became acutely aware of his body.. and I could feel the warmth grow between my legs. That deep seeded need to feel his cock deep inside of me awoke... just as I was awake.

I knew it wasn't going to happen.... but that certainly didn't mean I didn't WANT it to happen. I laid there listening to the rhythm of his breathing.. trying to focus on that.. and not the gnawing need to roll over and rape him. This, however, proved not to be very distracting.

I couldn't lay like that anymore.. there was no way I was falling asleep with him against me. I wiggled free and with an almost fluid motion.. we both rolled over. I wrapped my arm around him.. getting as close as I could. And still after minutes passed... I was no closer to sleep. All I could think of at this point was that I wanted to just fall asleep. I wanted to dream of other things than desire... to rest...because I obviously was not getting the other need met.

Damn it. Sometimes one just needs to get fucked... in order to fall asleep. Alas... I finally gave up and got up hoping that tiredness will over take me so when I do finally go back to bed.. fucking him will not be all I can think of. (wow that was quite the run-on sentence!)

HNT: little black panties

2009-09-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

What wonders are within.

reality.... it's a tough decision

2009-09-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind... that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control... ie... am I actually getting laid? And really... I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.

It's just been one thing after another... and I'm just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely... and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes... yes it is... but it's how I feel this very moment. It's maddening... and I hate it.

I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with... that are far worse than mine... but that doesn't make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really... if I never had to take birth control again... I'd be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I'd have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all.... I mean... it wasn't till this year that I even had the slightest problem.

So that lends to... why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling... and the effects didn't fully go away till probably a week ago.

I never went into details about it all... but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex... but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me... because I've always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case... I didn't know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn't come back... and if I didn't I wasn't sure how that would reflect on my life.

I pride myself on my sexual side... always have. Without that... I wouldn't be complete. That sounds weird... but that's how I see myself. I am a sexual creature.... plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there... it was hard to handle.

So here I am... exhausted from it all. It's time to make a tough decision... one that scare me.

I've decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with... I don't ever want to go through this again... and this seems like the best way. My body... my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can't expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that... I made my decision.

I'm scared shitless..... to say the least. But I can't keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn't going to work. My consult is on October 5.... wish me luck... cause I'm certainly going to need it.

And the fun continues...

2009-09-19T19:02:00.001-07:00

My body hates me.

No more IUD... didn't even last two weeks...

Birth control sucks.

NFT.

HNT: white apron

2009-09-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

I wear a white apron everyday....
Just like the one above...
I do this so I keep clean...
cause honestly...
I get into my work.

With or without that though...
I'm a very dirty girl...

No apron will change that.

loss

2009-09-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

I'm hurting.

Not in a way that most people will completely understand.. as the situation is not unheard of but is certainly unorthodox.

Back story.

I was married before to the wrong person. I cannot say this is a mistake... as many good things came from this time in my life. He got me away from a place and family that I no longer wanted to be around... that wasn't healthy for me. He brought me to his home... into his family.

I bonded with these people... I became part of the family... I was his parent's daughter.. not daughter in law... I was his sister's sister... in fact I was way closer to them... than my ex ever was. We spent every holiday together... had game nights.. bbq's... they were the family I never had.. and always wanted. And all of a sudden.. this was my reality.

The only thing that was wrong about it was... him. So when I left him... I still stayed close with them.. because that's what we all wanted (ex not included in such sentiment). It was tough.. there were a lot of uncomfortable moments... which never really went away. BUT. I loved these people and still very much wanted to be there.

As the time passed and Ben came into the picture.. this still continued... them welcoming him into the family as if it had always been that way. Holidays with the ex became even more difficult but some how we managed to make it work. Why? Because we are family and that's what families do.

In the past year... I'd say just after the first of the year... things have become more unbearable on my part. You see, my ex has lived at his parents house for all of the time we've been separated except for maybe six months (and that's not all at once). Even after the divorce I would go over and just sit and visit... but as the years passed.. this became harder and harder.

I was always told I was welcome there no matter what.. but its honestly very hard to sit in that house while he's there. After a while.. I just stopped going over to visit. Get togethers started getting fewer... and all of a sudden today I realized that I haven't spent time with them since Ben's birthday in July. We didn't do any summer holidays together.... it was probably Easter before that. His sister and her husband came over for poker in June I think... and we had all of the gradation stuff. That was really the last time we spent time as a family together.

Today I also noticed something while in the dining room waiting for the kids to get their stuff together (his parents insist on taking care of the kids when I work and they don't have school)... I realized that I hate going there now. I'm always in a hurry to get home. I always feel so uncomfortable now... like I'm in a house of strangers.

I cannot begin to explain how much this hurts and breaks my heart. I could write on this forever... I've always wanted a family... one that loves me.. and that I'm truly a part of. I had this.. and I feel like I've lost it. My heart is in a million pieces right now... I dunno how to fix this... or even if I can.

I know if I talked to them... they would say I'm being silly... but you can't change how you feel. And I can't make them do things differently... I can't make them mold to be what they were or what I want them to be. People change and evolve.. and sometimes... they do so in a way that you don't like. This seems to be the case...

Or maybe... I'm the one who has changed...

how

2009-09-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

I often wonder how anyone finds my blog. I know that over time.. my obsession of blogs has formed that I've ran across many blogs. The thing about it is.. I really don't remember how I found most of them. I wonder if that's true for everyone... that they don't remember how the stumbled across someone's personal space on the world wide web.

I know that I generally only give only give a new blog one or two posts.. and if I can't grab my attention.. I move on. I wonder how many would be readers I've missed because of few boring or bad posts between the ones I deem good. I'm sure I am not alone in that action... and I'm sure that most people will give it less than one post. But. I could be wrong.

Anyways.. the point... the point is... I just wonder how you found my blog. I would be interested in finding out.. IF you remember. :-)

HNT: together

2009-09-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

No matter what comes our way..
Despite what trials we shall encounter..
I know that we'll always face them together.

No matter what.

HNT: invitation

2009-09-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Spreading my legs.. I call you to me... inviting you to touch the softness of my thighs..
Inviting you to venture further... to the wetness that grows between my legs..
Inviting you to fill me... to take my breath away as you completely impale me...

the plan

2009-09-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

So.. here's the 4-1-1.

I went to my appointment yesterday.. and it was realllly hot in that damn room (though.. it really could have just been me). I got in pretty quickly.. which was nice. That doesn't happen very often. When the doctor came in... she looked at me... and said "I've never met anyone with so many birth control issues... you poor thing.".

Yep. Poor me indeed... poor Ben too.

I gave her an update to where we are now. Trying to figure out what to do next was pretty hard. I'm really running myself out of options.

The Pill- I got pregnant with my youngest daughter
Depo- I really REALLY don't wanna gain weight (and with recent issues... I don't want to stick hormones in my body that I cannot take out.. riding that out could be very bad)
IUD- well.. apparently my body hates them now
Nuvaring- yeah... we wont go there
the patch- significant chance of blood clots... um yeah

She asked if we wanted more children.. I said no. She then asked if I had considered getting my tubes tied. Honestly.. I have... and well it scares the shit out of me. So that's a no go. She asked about other permanent option where they place a spring in each tube.. and have scar tissue seal them. I had a friend that went that route and said it was terribly painful.. that she wished she had the tubal. So that isn't an option either.

Ben and I have planned for him to get the snip... we have different insurance... and his sucks. So we have to save up for it.. so that doesn't help us right now. So in reality we just have to get something to get us through the first of the year.

This led me to decide.. maybe I should get another IUD. I mean.. the only problems I had with it was that they don't want to stay in. They do, however, stay in a few months at least...which should get me through.

The doctors concern is that it can be up to a month before I can have another placed and prescribed the pill to take up the down time. So... I start that tonight and hope that it works till I get another IUD.

I cannot tell you how worried I am about trying a new BC that I haven't tried... after what has happened. I really don't want to have another week like I had.. it was horrible. I can't wait till this is over and I don't have to deal with hormones... that are not ones I already had that is.

I just have to remember there is an end in sight... this time next year ideally I won't have this problem.

hormones=bad

2009-08-31T09:45:00.001-07:00

I've put off blogging about this.... but the fact is... at some point... there may be a need to refer back to it. SO...might as well spill the dirty details and move forward.

Back in January, we had some birth control issues. Well it seems that we are right back where we were. At the beginning of this month... my IUD came out... once more. I decided I was over playing the IUD game.. as it seems my body doesn't like them anymore.. so I went for a new form of birth control.

I picked out the Nuvaring... as some of the other forms aren't my friend either. I was hoping this would be the end of my problems with anti baby making... I was wrong. A little over a week after starting it... shit kinda hit the fan. I was all sorts of fucked up... I was hormonal and crazy.. to say the least.

The mood swings I was having were out of control... I'd be a raging bitch one minute.. and a crying mess the next. The bad part for me is that I could see myself being irrational... but couldn't stop. I felt so terrible for Ben having to put up with me but he really was a trooper. He was so patient and good to me throughout the whole thing.

After about a week of this craziness... I really couldn't take it anymore... and took the damn thing out. That was on Saturday.. and I can feel the difference already. I'm not completely myself still but I'm a lot closer than I was. I cannot begin to describe how difficult it is.. to see yourself go through this. It's hard not to feel like yourself.

So we're back to square one. I'm so over birth control and don't understand why it's so hard not to have children. I officially hate hormones... and the crap it does to me. I've never in my life had such a hard time. This year has really sucked for that.

I'm off to the doctor today... see what to do now. Lets hope whatever I get does the trick.

HNT:clean

2009-08-27T17:08:00.001-07:00

'nuff said.

daydream

2009-08-26T09:18:00.001-07:00

We were laying on the bed.. all the wrong way. My legs were over the side with my back flat against the mattress. Ben was up next to me... laying there in a perfect little silence. Minutes passed before Ben said we should go get a shower.

He got up.... taking his shirt off. I watched him as he disappeared from the room. I heard him call for me.. asking if I was coming. I was.... just not that very second. I closed my eyes and imagined how I had wanted that moment to go...

On my back... my shirt rose a little.. leaving a little strip of skin exposed above my jeans. I could imagine his fingers tracing the waistline. I could imagine his hands working north... feeling my smooth skin under his fingertips. He would keep moving till he reached the bottom band of my bra slipping underneath.

He'd trace that band as well... inching up a tad.. to feel my nipple... all hard and ready to be teased. He's slip his whole hand inside... wrapping it around the full of my breast.. squeezing it gently much to my approval. Before leaving... he'd gently pinch the hardness.. exciting a moan from me.

He'd move south again... exploring a different route this time. This time when he reached my jeans, he'd unbutton them. Slowly unzipping them.. his fingers would move inside... grazing over the smooth lips of my pussy making my breathing grow more rapid.

He'd remove them... and use the other to pull my jeans down my legs. He'd inch up my legs to the inside of my thighs.. kissing gently. When he reached my pussy... he'd lick slowly... teasing my clit.. making my body writhe under his tongue. His hands would move back up... under my bra and pinch both of my nipples again.

And this is where my imagination stopped as the husband was calling for me again. I got up in my dreamy state and joined him in the shower.. leaving my thoughts in the bedroom.

Saturday night surrender

2009-08-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

When it's been a while between our more aggressive sexual adventures.... it's funny the emotions I go through. It ranges from uneasiness (over reconditioning my mind and body to accept intense pain) to pure excitement. This was the case Saturday night.

I hadn't been sleeping well and so after the third night of this.. I decided it was time we rotated the mattress. Ben came into the room... I had already pulled the blanket, sheet, and pillows onto the floor. I was only wearing a thsirt... my ass barely peeking out. As I bent I felt his hand rub against my exposed skin. I let out a sigh... making sure he knew I liked it.

His fingers traced the line of my ass... giving way to the soft skin of my pussy. I gasped when I felt his fingers rub my clit somewhat roughly. He gave it a few strokes before moving his fingers back.. and plunging into me. I pushed back against his hand... and whimpered when they left after only a minute.

We went about turning the bed... and as we were putting the stuff back on... I was bent over the bed again fixing the covers. I didn't even notice him coming up behind me... and planting a firm smack on my ass. His hand hand up on my back... holding me down.... then applied several more swats to each cheek.

He let me up after... saying it was shower time. The shower was uneventful.... each of us showering in silence only glancing up at each other here and there exchanging a smile or a knowing look. When I finally exited.. I did my after shower routine... as Ben had already left the bathroom. I listened as I brushed my teeth... hearing the tell tale sounds of our toy drawer. I felt the fear somewhat grow in my stomach. It had been weeks since I had endured any sort of prolonged pain. I also felt the excitement of the impending treatment...

I couldn't draw it out anymore... and walked out of the bathroom only to be met by Ben.. holding two of my vibrators. He handed them to and told me to make sure they were clean (apparently they hadn't been used in a while...who knew that drawers got so dusty). As I washed them... he came in for a towel.

I followed him into the bedroom.. and this is where my memory gets hazy. Its funny how more intense something is.. the harder it is to remember.

I was pushed over the corner of the bed.... no warm ups... just powerful blows from the flogger... over and over. The first ones had no rhythm to them... so hard to stay focused and not cry out. Soon, though, his assault had a steadiness to it.. that allowed me to sink into a quiet enjoyment.

He wouldn't allow that for long... dragging me to my knees... slamming his cock down my throat. He fucked my face while he continued working on my back and ass. As he did so.... he told me that he wanted me to present parts of my body for him to whip... which made me shudder. There is something about choosing your fate so to speak that makes it all the more hard to endure.

He pulled away... and instructed me to go ahead and show him where to spank. I thought for a second... and turned... getting on my hands and knees. I arched my back and stuck my ass in the air. He did not hesitate.. and just as quickly as I had got into position... the first blow fell across my ass. Over and over the flogger falls made contact with my skin.. sometimes making me scream... other times making me moan.

Soon he was ready for a new target... and urged me to pick something else. I sat up a bit laying across the bed... pointing to my back. There was a confidence in that choice... as it's my favorite place to be flogged. He moved onto my newly selected spot. Strike after strike... I laid there enduring what he dished out.

After a bit.. I was told to pick a new spot. I pointed to the backs of my thighs this time. He only got a few hits in on this spot. One blow hit the side of my thigh... wrapping around... that brought forth such pain. I gasped... and screamed.. and felt my chest tighten trying to find air.... and the tears filling my eyes. I begged him to stop...

"Why?", he said... dripping with condescension.

"Because it hurts", I choked out.

"But it's supposed to hurt, isn't it? And you like it, don't you?", he was all smiles... I could tell without even looking.

"Yes", was all I could respond with... between deep breaths trying to keep from completely falling apart.

He knew I didn't want him to stop.. and pressed forward to picking another spot. For whatever crazy reason (maybe because I know how much he likes it), I picked my pussy. I rolled over.. spreading my legs for him. He offered up his cock to help distract me from the attack I was about to feel.

I took him deep into my mouth... and his soothing words rolled from his lips... asking if I was ready. And so... he began.... getting in a few good hits before I couldn't take more. The tears came back to my eyes. I could feel panic filling me... but he has a way of calming me... bringing me back to where he needs me to be.

Soon I was laying there.. legs spread... willing to accept more. He was going to give me one more.... one more good one. The fear grew in me.... waiting.. wondering when it'd come... my mouth full of his cock again. Then out of no where.. the last stinging blow hit my tender flesh. I pulled my legs up to me... laying in a ball. There was no stopping the tears this time.. as they streamed down my face.

He told me to breathe... to calm myself... as he moved around to the other side of the bed. He got me off the bed... I leaned in to suck his cock again... but was met with resistance. The wood handle of the flogger was at my throat.. causing me to struggle to reach even the tip. I struggled.. pushing harder.. digging the wood into my throat to finally reach my prize.

Satisfied with my struggle.... he removed the flogger. I moved my head up and down... fucking him with my mouth. Words flowed from his mouth as I did as I was expected.

"So I guess I should tell you what I have planned for you tonight. Those two vibrators you cleaned are going into your pussy.... and I'm going to fuck your ass. Like that idea?", he asked... as if he was talking about what he had for lunch.

I could feel the dread coming over me. I don't prefer being fucked in the ass when we play harder... my body isn't as relaxed as it needs to be to allow him to do so without hurting me. So.. yeah, I wasn't looking forward to it.

He pulled away from me... and told me to get onto the bed on my back. I did so...as hee pulled me to him... my legs spreading again. There wasn't pain.. but pure pleasure as he slid deep into my pussy.. filling me. I cooed.... enjoying the reward I had earned.

His arms wrapped around my thighs... fucking me... my fingers wandered down... and started rubbing my clit. My eyes shut and went with it... fully enjoying all the sensations that flowed through my body. This wouldn't be all I'd get though.... soon I found myself void of his cock.... and had my cunt filled with the first of two vibrators.

I took the first one with ease. One is no problem by any means. He fucked me vigorously with it.... making sure I was nice and wet (like that's any problem). He only stopped to slid the other in... stretching my pussy out. I felt so full.... words escape me in how to accurately describe it.

He pushed my knees up further.. getting better access to my ass. Normally I would put up some resistance... but honestly I was pretty far gone by then... so I laid there... letting him do whatever he wanted.

With one hand.. he held the vibrators in place.. and the other.. he squeezed a ton of lube into the slit of my ass. I heard him set the bottle down... then felt the tip of his cock press against me. I had very little fight in my body.. which was probably a good thing... and worked in my favor.

I felt him slip inside of me... pressing further and further... not giving me much time to adjust to the stretching of my ass. I reached down again... rubbing my clit.. trying to keep the focus on something more enjoyable. Finally when he was all the way in... he begin pumping in and out... more forceful than he'd normally be.

After a few more minutes of his cock and the vibrators fucking me... I asked him for more lube as my body was tensing and it was starting to hurt. He obliged me... then went back to the task at hand.. sliding back in and not giving any adjustment time.

By then I was so far gone... the sensations were overwhelming.. and I could feel myself deep in subspace.. where very little could touch me. I'm not even sure how much time passed.... or how many times my body trembled with orgasms. Though, at some point.. his seed spilled into my ass. When his orgasm subsided he pulled out... then pulled the vibrators out.

I pulled away... curling into a ball... as he slipped into bed up behind me enveloping me in his arms. This is when the whole experience washed over me.... and tears poured from my eyes.. like this wonderful release of anything bad that I felt. In that very second... I was wonderful... and felt just.. well good.

Moments like that are probably hard to describe or understand unless you've experienced them. I've had very few experiences like that... and I wouldn't trade them for the world.... they are simply amazing.

It took me almost a hour to full snap out of it... and be completely normal... but it was so totally worth it. It was good stuff indeed.

HNT: Laced

2009-08-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Theres something about a corset that makes me feel instantly sexy. Not that I don't a good portion of the time... but this is like... bam... I feel incredibly hot. I love the feel of the laces against my exposed skin... the way the string falls... and how I can feel it against my ass as I move. I love the curve of my waist it makes... and the smoothness of the bodice. How each little hook connects up a long line... giving way to cleavage. I feel sexy indeed.

a little bit of love leads to a whole lotta passion

2009-08-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

We laid in bed.. talking... cuddling.. just being together. Ben was on his back... and I was propped up on my elbow. I looked down at him... and he has this particular look in his eyes.. one that is hard to describe. It was like... kindness... adoration.. love.. lust... all rolled into one. It was overwhelming... in this... oh my god, I love this man kinda way.

I leaned into him... gently rubbing my nose against his... sharing a moment that was just simple.. and pure. Seconds seemed like minutes... and time could have stood still. Before I knew it... out lips touched... the passion between us ignited.

What started out as something gentle... became intense want and lust. His knee came up between my legs... wedged up against my pussy. I put my hand to his neck... lightly placing it against his collar bone. His hands wandered... up and under my shirt. His fingers dug into my back... making every nerve ending in my body come alive.

We kissed intensely... almost like we couldn't get enough of one another. Soon he was pulling my shirt off.... and I laid back against him. I kissed him more... as he reached down and started stroking his cock. I love it when he does that... something about it makes me so freaking hot.

I finally couldn't take anymore... and climbed on top of him... rubbing against his cock through our shorts. We grinded against one another.... fueling the want and need we had to partake in. His fingers once again raked across my back... then down to the band of my shorts.

I rolled away... letting him pull down my shorts... then his own. I wasted no time.. and climbed back on top of him. I rubbed my clit against the tip of his cock... making me suck in air... enjoying the sensation.

Moving my hips up... Ben guided his cock into my soaking wet pussy. I took him deep inside.... feeling every inch of him. His hands where all over... digging into my thighs.. my back... my tits. It felt amazing... and before I knew it... I was rocked with an orgasm so intense that I squeezed his cock out of me.

I leaned in and kissed him again as I slid back down on him fucking him vigorously. His hips rose to meet my own.... with one purpose alone... to make him cum. I bounced up and down... sighing and moaning with each thrust. I could tell by the look on his face.. and the force in which his fingers were buried into my flesh that he was close.

With each assualt.. I could feel the muscles in my pussy tighten... and I imagine it was all too much to take anymore. Ben filled my cunt with his cum... and then we collapsed into a pile of flesh... holding each other in a quiet contentment.

baby steps

2009-08-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

Ive become comfortable with the current track of my blog. Not because that's how I like it... but simply because that is how its morphed. I keep meaning to write something... and I wait for something blog worthy to come along... and before I know it.. it's Thursday again. Time to post another picture.. and put my mind back to thoughts of writing.

And that is where that thought ends... where it is left. Tucked away in the corners of my mind.

I'm not sure when I stopped mulling stuff around in my brain.. and when I stopped actually writing. I guess I could go back and look in my archives, but frankly, that seems a little depressing.

So there's the curser blinking in front of me once more... like so many times before... where I sat and stared at the empty screen. I sit and hope that something will come... if only I ponder long enough. I have two posts that are waiting to be finished.. things I've started that very unlikely to ever see the light of the internet.

Why you ask? Well... cause when something finally did come to me.... it took me some time to actually put it down. The words that actually came to me when I thought of them... somehow were blurred... it didn't have that finesse that it had when it first came to mind.

And so they will probably find themselves in a trash pile.. forever lost to that void. It's probably for the best... as I'll never be able to grasp the mood.. or feeling it was originally intended to be written in.

SO... this is my effort to put down something. Here it is.. in all its glory.. just simply cause I felt like writing. Which... I think, is putting the right foot forward to get back on track of writing. Here's to hoping!

HNT:feeling blue

2009-08-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

HNT: Belated

2009-08-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation... better yet... WE'RE on vacation. It's already half over and I do NOT wanna go back to work. Vacation time is always good time... but this one... we stayed home for... and I have to say.. it's be really good.

There is a ease to my soul... a happiness that fills my eyes... If only everyday could be this relaxing.. this fulfilling.

And let's not forget about how lucky I've gotten all week. I think only one day has passed that I haven't had a little bit of extracurricular activity... which I will NEVER complain about.

Ahh yes.. if only everyday could be a vacation day....

HNT:showin' a little skin

2009-07-30T19:18:00.001-07:00

Sometimes... less is more.

HNT: Wet

2009-07-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

Wet is good... 'nuff said.

HNT: bruised

2009-07-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Asked ten years ago.. would I like knowing and seeing my ass was bruised... I would have said that is just plain crazy. And perhaps it is... but... it is something I crave now. Seeing the red marks turn to black and blue... and how they linger for days on end. It always takes me back to the moment I got them... and I smile.

Asked now.... would I like knowing and seeing my ass bruised... I say.. a resounding yes... more please. My how time changes who we are.

Blank

2009-07-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

A blank screen stares back at me..... and I have nothing to say.

I want to have something... anything... to say... and yet nothing flows from my brain through my fingers.

It's maddening...

It is like somehow my mind is silent but yet there is a collision of thoughts... none of which are coherent.... nothing that even I can make sense of.

I have found myself here before. This wall of sorts. Somehow... I find a way to scale it and safely land on my feet... on the other side.

Hopefully.. it comes soon.

where were you at 5 am?

2009-07-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've woken up in the middle of the night horny enough to actually do something about it... call it old age... or whatever (though I know I'll be told that I'm not old)... I just haven't in a while. Sleep is so very precious to me.... but in the same thought.. so I sex. So yeah.

I had woke up several times... all warm and sleepy. Each time I wanted him... but sleep would retake me just as I'd scoot up against Ben's body... molding mine to the contour of his. Curling my groin up and around his ass that I love so much. Then... I'd drift off to dream land.

The last time I woke up was around five am. This break from sleep was much more powerful.... I was more awake than any of the other times... and this time.. the urge overtook the need to sleep. I was still snuggled up behind him from previous bouts of wakefulness.

My head slid down his chest to his hip where I rubbed a few times before just saying screw it... and going for the prize. When my fingers reached his cock... I was pleasantly surprised to find it hard and waiting for me. I wasted no time and wrapped my fingers around... slowly stroking him at first. He woke up almost instantly.. or was he already awake?

My speed picked up... and soft cries of pleasure escaped his lips. He moved.... and my hand moved with him.. till he was on his back... reaching over to find my willing pussy. We laid there.. working each other over... till the urge to fuck was too strong.

I rolled over... and stuck my ass out. Seconds later my cunt was met with a very sudden fullness. I groaned... I love that initial feeling... its simply amazing. Our hips began to move together... not wasting time... the middle of sleep is not the time to go slowly. Its about getting what you want and then going back to sleep all satisfied.

We only stayed like this for a few minutes before I rolled onto my back.... him on his side still. Our hands found one another... touching in the darkness.... his hand gently grasping me. I set back to my task at hand... moving my hips up and down on his cock... feeling an orgasm growing. Somewhere in there... his other hand found my clit. He roughly handled me... and I was a goner.

My head went back as I cried out... explaining an orgasm... now there is a task isn't it? I didn't stop though... I kept fucking him as mine subsided.... my hands reaching out for his chest. My fingers brushed against his nipple. I grabbed it between my fingers... gently tweaking it.

I could feel his body tense under me.... I knew that he was almost there.... so I continued... not making it more intense. Just sticking with what was working. Then before I knew it... he convulsed... spilling his seed into me.. filling me.

When it subsided... we parted and curled up into each other.

"Where did that come from", he asked.

"I was horny.", I said matter of factly, "besides, it seems that you were too".

HNT: Less is more

2009-07-09T16:59:00.001-07:00

Now that summer is here... that means less.... less rain.. less clothes... less blankets on the bed. That doesn't make me love my bed any less though. There is nothing better than curling up in a cool set of clean sheets and relaxing on those lazy days. I know I've done it a time or two.

Happy Birtday to my hubby!!!

2009-07-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my hunny's birthday! Another year around the world looks good on him... atleast I think so :-) Maybe I'm partial.

I have a pretty nice evening planned for my dear husband... filled with being bathed... a massage... some wine... and dessert (if you catch my drift). I can't wait.. I love to pamper him. I'm ready for him to be home already!!

Ben..

I love you more than words can describe... I hope you have the best birthday thus far.. If we have to grow old... you're the one I want to do it with... so maybe getting old isn't so bad.

HNT: All tied up

2009-07-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

There is something about......

....the way rope feels against your skin.

....the feeling of being helpless... at the whim of your lover.

....the indentions in your skin after you are freed.

....the taste of that new found freedom.

....the longing to have it taken away again.

a glimpse

2009-06-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

.........was inside of me... deep to the hilt.. filling me full. I was on top of him.. facing away... and slowly started to grind against him.. making circles with my hips. His hand moved up my spine to my shoulder... grasping it with his hand. I love when he grabs my neck or shoulders firmly.... there is something so dominant about it.... I love how my body reacts.

Before I knew it his other hand came up... and both wrapped around my neck. He pulled me back.... till I was almost laying against his chest. I laid perfectly still... as did he. I focused on staying calm... trying to conserve what air I had in my lungs. Every few seconds I'd gasp for air a little.... only he didn't let up. It was... hot.

We laid like this for a few minutes... before I couldn't take it anymore. I moved my hips up and down... his hands still about my throat. The silent room was penetrated by the sounds of my wet pussy.... soon he joined me... fucking me with such vigor that....

out of the haze

2009-06-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

It was late... we had been out... and it was time for sleep.

Ben and I kissed and said good night... then I rolled over... scooting back into his body. His arm draped around me pulling me closer. His hand migrated quickly.. finding a resting spot on my shoulder. He slowly whisked his fingers back and forth. Electricity flew through my body.... I had been horny for some time... teasing the caged animal is never nice.

In my head... all I could think was "don't start something you can't finish".... and part of me wanted to say it.. butttttt I didn't want him to stop. In which he did- but replaced it with his leg sliding up and down on mine. This.. my friends.. is a very good sign. This.. is not some random affection.

In my state (I had been drinking), some of the details are fuzzy.

His fingers snaked around... up my thigh and between my legs. They parted slightly.... giving him ample room to do his work. He touched me... and I sighed... finger the pressure on my clit. Minutes passed.. him working me over... me wiggling as I could feel the orgasm growing.

Ben leaned into my ear, "I want you to suck my cock".... and of course... I eagerly turned to do so. My lips parted... taking just the head of his cock into my mouth. I swirled my tongue around... taking my time. Inch by inch I would go deeper with each bob of my head till I was at the base.... hitting the back of my throat.

From there things get a little hazy. At some point... he grabbed a handful of hair... pulling me to the edge of the bed where he slammed his cock back into my mouth... slowly fucking it. His hands wandered... roughly finding things to keep his fingers occupied with. Though... I certainly didn't mind.

Soon he bent forward... pushing himself deeper.. face next to my sex. He opened his mouth and sunk his teeth into my tender flesh. I groaned with a full mouth.. not expecting the harsh treatment. He bit over and over... different places... different amounts of pressure till he finally rewarded my pain with pleasure.

His tongue danced over my clit... flicking it with vigor... making my body squirm. My fingers sank into his thighs... my breathing quickened. Until. He stopped.

He turned me over.. and plunged hard and deep into my wet pussy... the time for teasing.. was done. I pushed back into him... our motions became one together. My fingers dug into the sheets... moaning and screaming. His hands.... on my hips.. pulling me into him. And time passed.... the world stood still... all that mattered then... was that.

When he came... we collapsed into each other.... all tired and content. It was time to sleep though.. the red numbers stared back at us.... 2:57 am. Time for bed indeed.

Sugasm #168

2009-06-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

This Week’s Picks
Covet
“My mouth waters at the sheer beauty.”

Lilly’s Turn - Part 3: Wherein Lust, Greed and Risk Intersect
“She was biting her lip to prevent herself from making a sound.”

Oh Dirty Girl
“It was at that moment that I knew I needed him to take me and take me dirty.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Porn’s 2009 AIDs Outbreak

Sugasm Editor
Review: Why Just Her

Editor’s Choice
My very first HNT!

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing & Experiences
He Can Use Me All Night – Part Two, Yet Another Hotel
Hump Day Poetry
I Can’t Get No Contraception - Part 2
Just fucking.
Keeping It Simple
Tedious Training
Wet dream at the airport-part2

News, Reviews & Interviews
20 Questions with Satine Phoenix
Favorite Jeans -HNT
Girly HNT.
Glow Plugs and the Kegel8 Effect
I’m unemployed and I live with my parents
Protection and Promiscuity

Sex Advice
Congrats! You are the new proud owner of some Sexy Lingerie!
Pompoir: The Art of Milking the Lingam
The truth about female ejaculation

BDSM & Fetish
Breed Sex Part 1: They Want to Cum in You.
Daddy Spanked Me
Darklady’s 9th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon - The Solo Sex Circus
High School Bully Part 3
Humiliation
Imprint
A Kiss Goodbye
Meeting a Domme
Le 6 janvier…L’histoire!…My version

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Bent in the chair for harsh punishment
Cikita
Lindsay Lohan Topless Twitter Picture
Liv - Pure Perfection
Nude at daylight
Teen girl bending over for some harsh cane stripes
Touched

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Eagerness & Blow Jobs – Lessons Learned From Gay and Bi Men
Faking Orgasms | How it feels for a girl
On Love, Loss and Taking Risks

HNT: On the floor

2009-06-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being on the floor is a good place to be....

four's a crowd

2009-06-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn't go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that... we don't really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay.... but as far as being intimate with another... I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple... this is sharing... and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others... no pictures.. not in the same room... not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand... I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that's just me. We are a couple... and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
Past experience.... I've been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories... still taint my mouth. In fact... I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else's.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn't keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he's not in it all the way... then I'd rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is.... really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!

nothing like a red ass

2009-06-21T10:43:00.001-07:00

Ben and I rarely get a Saturday afternoon together... he always works late. So.. when he gets to come home earlier than usual.... I like to spend as much time with him as I can. Im a greedy girl like that :-).

We had grabbed a shower not long after he got home... we didn't really have any plans but knew we were going to grab something to eat- I had a really long, hard day at work. He always gets out before me... and so when I finally dried off and did all my after shower rituals... he was on the couch with the laptop.

I looked at him kinda funny... kinda taken back that he wanted to be on the computer instead of being with him. We said something to each other, I can't remember what... and then I think I said "hmph" (playfully of course) and walked into our room.

I laid down on the bed... there was no sheets or blankets... as we had stripped them to wash. I curled up next to one of our cats and began petting him as I could hear Ben calling out to me. I didn't answer... but was grinning ear to ear knowing he would come to me.

And he did... within minutes he was in the bedroom asking me what I was doing... in which I answered, "petting the cat". He sat on the bed and laid he his head against me... I love it when he does that. I readjusted... so that I was on my back and his head was on my stomach. He laid there and talked for a bit.

Soon I felt his hand wandering up my thigh to my sleeping pussy. His fingers slid up the lips.. bringing it alive and alert. I closed my eyes and enjoyed his touch. Minutes passed and I warned him that if he didn't stop... I might rape him. He laughed and said okay.. that we needed to get some dinner.

"We can watch a lil' somthin' somethin'... and then maybe later.. we can watch a lil somethin' somethin'", he said... I was all smiles.

I rolled over onto my stomach and asked where he wanted to get something to eat. He didn't know. Then.. out of no where... his palm made contact with my ass. It wasn't the hard, get your attention type... just a playful... slap on the ass.

From there... there was a barrage of spankings... in which I loved. They were soft at first... working up to the ones that sends every inch of your body into alert. From side to side... and sometimes in the same spot a couple times before moving on... he worked my ass over. I was loving it.

Soon his fingers found their way to my very wet hole... he commented on how wet I was ( he loves the way my body responds to him). He kept spanking me.. making me yelp as he slid his fingers inside. I was in overload... I knew at any moment I was going to cum. I could feel that tell tale build... but was riding the wave slowly to the shore.

I felt his hand pop into my cunt... I tried staying relaxed but every nerve ending in my body was awake. He assault didn't stop.. he kept working my ass and pussy over... knowing he had me just where he wanted me. Seconds passed.... and the words fell from my mouth.. asking to cum... then answered with a hissing yes.

The orgasm ripped through me... although Ben was not letting up... and so it felt like it lasted forever. All my muscles grasped his hand.... till it was over.... atleast from my end. He was in no way done with me.

Soon he broke out the wire hanger (which seems to be his toy of choice lately.. and I am notttttt complaining). I saw it out the corner of my eye, and where as I love it... my body tensed. The swats began.... I wasn't ready... I felt panicy... and my breathing became erratic. I rose up... in which I was ordered to breath and get back down.

I lowered my body and tried to regain my breathing... his hands never left my cunt. This happened several times... and we transversed a lot of the bed. It amazes me how much you can move when you're having sex. I could feel the heat radiating off my back and ass.

A while passed of this dance... and finally Ben wanted some attention for himself. He had been very giving... it was all about me up until then... something that doesn't usually happen... for that.. I am thankful. He told me to suck his cock. I climbed off the bed eagerly.. as I had been wanting to feel it in my mouth... it was weird to go so long without his flesh hitting the back of my throat.

When I got to the floor, I took his cock into my mouth eagerly.... sucking with vigor. I slid my tongue against it with every bob of my head. Then I stopped... took his wet fingers into my hands... then began sucking my juices off them. When they were clean.. I went back to the job at hand.

Ben took up swating me with the hanger again while I sucked him. It's far easier to be composed this way.. I have something to focus on.. to keep me from feeling scared of the sensations. Some time passed again... and I was told to get on the bed and lean my head over the side. I obeyed... and he straddled my face. I took his balls into my mouth... recieving moans from him.

"You want me to spank your pussy don't you?", he asked... and of course the answer was a resounding no. "Yes you do... you want me to spank it.. I know. Open your legs.... open them... ", and I did as I was told.. reluctantly.

I felt the cold metal make contact.. I cried out a little but still kept sucking his balls gently. Over and over it hit my skin... getting harder with each blow till I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped my legs shut.... and again, Ben's cool words fell from him mouth telling me to open my legs.

I reopened them... and he went back to work... till the same thing happened. This time.. he had another idea.... he was going to spank my pussy while he fucked me. That idea, I was down with. I turned on the bed... letting my ass hang off the bed a little and spread my legs for him.

He entered me.... and oh my did it feel good. He stroked himself in and out a few times then went about the business of spanking my pussy again. He fucked me hard.. and swatted me hard too.... but I was loving every second of it. I couldnt' take it much longer and begged for him to just fuck me. Ask and ye shall recieve.

He dropped the hanger... and grabbed my legs. He began pouding me with force I don't see that often. It lasted for a while too... much to much delited surprise. When he finally came..... I pulled him to me.... wrapping my legs and arms around him... and kissed him with all the passion I could muster. Our lips seperated.... and I whispered to him.. our faces so very close.... that I loved him.

~~~~~~

We cuddled for a bit.. then I felt like I could actually stand. So we got up... I went and hugged him.. and did as I always do after we play. I spun around and checked out my ass in the mirror. It was all red and welty. On th side of my ass... there was a pattern... I giggled and told Ben it looked like fish scales. How I do love my marks. I will marvel at them for days to come :-)

Just so you know...

2009-06-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that the frustration builds up... so much that no matter how many times you notch away at it.... it continues it's upward climb. Sometimes I think the only way to actually bring it to it's knees is to bring the GIRL to her knees.... till she's a puddle of tears... but somehow- it frees her.

I think I'm kinda at that point. The point where I just need to be reduced to a pile of flesh. I can tell... because I'm sensitive to everything. Things that wouldn't normally irritate me... have been. I need a healthy dose of Ben beating my ass to bring balance back to me.

I need him to... beat me... push me... take from me... and then.. put me back together... all fresh.... and free.

HNT: Ben's POV

2009-06-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is what Ben sees when I'm on my hands and knees before him.

How cool would it be to see through his eyes just once what its like when he fucks me... when he spanks me...

How powerful and dominating he must feel when I am submitting to him... kneeling low taking what he gives.

It's over! It's over!

2009-06-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Another graduation has come and gone... and I must say.. I am VERY thankful. You see, graduation is the busiest time of my year work wise. Added to it this year was my niece graduating... and well you can see how this weekend was exhausting?

Work was insane... we had SO many orders.. it's safe to say.. I worked my ass off (even though its still there thank goodness!). I went into to work at four am on Saturday. I got off.. grabbed the flowers and balloon I ordered for my niece. When I got home.. I boiled all the noodles I needed for the three pasta salads I was commissioned to make. It was a funny sight I'm sure.... in the kitchen in just my bra... Im strange.. I know.

After I jumped in the shower with little time to spare. Ben got home.. and did the same.... and we were off. We went and got the kids from their Dad's and headed to the stadium. We were there a little early... but we wanted to get good seats next to the rest of the family. It was a nice day out.. despite the early morning rain. The seats... were terrible. All of our backs were hurting after the two hour ceremony was over.

It was emotional to watch her graduate... to see her as a woman and not as a child... its difficult. Nevertheless... I am so very proud of her... because I know how hard she worked to get to that day. When it was over.. and we went down to find her in the sea of people... she was all grins.

We had dinner at the parents house after... sub sandwiches and potato soup.. yum. It was nice to have all of us together.. chit chatting and having a good time. We only stayed a hour before we left for home to finish up making the salads and clean up.

We headed over to my sister's house to deliver the salads and cake balls I made for the party on Sunday. We had planned on going out with friends... but that kind of fell through when we got sucked into helping set up. We were there until nine.... and went home.

Ben and I relaxed for a bit.... where I almost fell asleep on the couch. We decided it was bedtime... so we grabbed a shower and was in bed by 10:30.

On Sunday we did manage to sleep in... but I woke up very sore. My body was not liking being overworked. I got up and showered... and we headed out. We grabbed some breakfast then headed to my sister's again.

I jumped in helping... setting up food and such. We headed out after the food was in order and set up the tables and chairs. We decorated the area... getting things all put together... and I must say... it turned out quite nicely.

People started showing up on time at four... and the two of us were in hostess mode getting everything moving. We showed the slide show I put together first thing... which everyone loved... I even got asked how much I would charge to do something like that. That surprised me.. but made me feel good knowing that I did a good job.

After that we manned the grills and got to cooking. Once that was done.. we could finally relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We sat around talking and just enjoying ourselves. This is where Ben told me... the cake is melting. It had been an all afternoon project keeping that cake(that I made) out of the sun... and apparently I dropped the ball. (the pic is pre-meltdown.. I didn't get a pic of it melted.. I should have!)

I went over to rescue it.. and the left side bottom boarder... completely melted.. it was a puddle of frosting. Quite funny I must say! I separated the three tiers so that it could be served.... it was quite tasty.

Ben, the kids, and I all headed home around eight... where we tossed the kids in the tub. We relaxed a bit.. then headed to bed after a shower at ten. It was a very full weekend.... I'm sore. But... I feel good about how it all turned out.... so it was all worth the work.

Sugasm #167

2009-06-12T16:24:00.001-07:00

he best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #168? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Every Time You Orgasm, An Angel Gets Its Wings
“There is nothing that screams “fuck you” to the pain and the hurt in the world than screaming “fuck me” to the person in your bed.”

HNT: Spanked
“I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. But tonight, I was sure.”

A Thousand Kisses
“This wasn’t enough. I knew that I had to try something else.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Congratulations, you’re invited!

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: Religion

Editor’s Choice
Food, fun and commitment

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Chloe
HNT
Love HNT Part II
So Many Stripes
Valentina Vaughn
Video Q&A #1

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Dementor
Fat Ass Betty
Full Circle
Going where no one has gone before

Sex Humor
Adventures in Craigslist (and a belated HNT)

Erotic Writing & Experiences
Ass-tute
Conversations about Crossdressing (Early Morning Version)
A Feast of Cock
Gender Fuck
Her Favorite Positions - The Conclusion
I Can’t Get No…Contraception
Lessons from an Orgy
Lilly’s Turn - Part 2: Wherein One Good Turn Deserves Another
Mirrors
Must be the weather…
New Perspective
Party.
Picture of Propriety
Playing with Dolls
Please don’t book me ever again
The Poet Surrenders
Rebirth In An Orgy
The Synestheatre
Wet dream at the airport-part1
A Wicked Birthday Bang

BDSM & Fetish
Bending over for some harsh cane stripes
Digging a hole, is that the way you treat me
Lick me
Preparing for Punishment: part one
Puppy’s first visit
A Salute to Masturbation May
SF Treat
Subs: How to NOT Apply
That Look
Thoughts about the play party and Femdom.
Under 40 ~ The New Kinky Bar
What Kind of Submissive Are You?

Sex Advice
How to be bisexual on the internet
How to Give a Tantric Breast Massage
Sometimes You Need A Break…

News, Reviews & Interviews
It’s Good to be the Intern
Kink Interview: Thomas’s Spanking Exploits
LELO Luna Beads: Because You Deserve Them
Product Review: Intimate Organics Energizing Fresh Orange & Wild Ginger Foot Foreplay Lotion
Top 5 Tuesday - Sun, Sand and Smut!

HNT: Summertime is here

2009-06-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

I love the grass in the summer... the way it feels under my feet... the smell of a freshly cut lawn. There is truly nothing like summer. No other time of the year can you walk outside... and feel the sun on your face.... and feel truly alive.

Now if only we had a privacy fence in our backyard *grins*.

here's to the class of...

2009-06-09T16:12:00.001-07:00

At what point did I stop being a kid.... and make the transition into adulthood?

Big changes are going on in my family... namely, my niece graduates on Saturday. It makes me wonder if she is scared... having to survive on your own can tend to be very scary. Or at least, one would think.

He move to adulthood got me to thinking.... when exactly did I make that leap? I honestly cannot remember it. I mean, I can remember being a kid... and then it's like all of a sudden, I'm grown up. Is that how it happens?

You're going along... wishing to grow up... and like a flash of lightening.. you're wishes are reality. The last true memories I have... that was me feeling like a kid was the summer I was sixteen. My first real job... one that I wasn't helping my mother... the sense of freedom you can only feel as a teenager in the summer.

I would be gone from home for days. My best friend and I would spend out hours in her car... windows down... just driving. The only care in the world we had was where to go to next... and if we had enough time to go down to the beach on the hot summer afternoons.

I think that is the last time I truly felt like the weight of the world was not on my shoulders. My life changed that summer... looking back I can see it now. At the time, however, I did not feel it. I guess being a grown up is just something you do.. even if you don't feel it right away.

Even so.. I miss the carefree days sometimes. I miss not having to think about bills or get up for work. Just to be able to live a day... where the biggest worry you have... is if the ice cream truck is going to come by the house or not.

I wonder if she knows what's ahead of her?

a new chapter in the book of spanking

2009-06-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

Life is constantly moving forward. The sun will always rise.... just as sure as it will set... this has always been a constant.

Ten years ago.. you could have never convinced me that I would get off on pain... no way, no how. But, then again.... there are lots of things that you could not have convinced me of then. Hell, FIVE years ago... I probably wouldn't have believed it either- yet here I am... craving that sensation. The drug I will never get enough of...

I love spankings... this I'm sure you know by now. I am fascinated by it.... the feel of it... the mind set it puts me in. So when Ben asked last night if I wanted him to get something that would hurt more than his hand... who was I to say no?

He left me bent over our bed... ass out... and walked past me to our closet. Instantly... I knew. I knew what he was going for. My heart felt like it sunk down between my knees with panic.... strange... since I have wanted to up the intensity. This is what I had been wanting.. what I had asked for. It was playing out in front of me.

My head raced... excited... scared... nervous.... thinking what he was going to produce was a plastic hanger. What I forgot about was the metal ones that still hung in there from his work uniforms. I tried to get a glimpse from out of the corner of my eye... but I didn't even see so much as a tip.

He ran the cold metal over my back and skin. I shivered a bit... from the temperature of it... and the anticipation of feeling it make contact with my back side. I feared (or maybe hoped) for the worst. He asked if I was ready..... and even though I wasn't sure I was... I said yes. Leading up to the first blow was worse in my mind than the actual event.

He tapped my ass a few times.. gently.... my body was full attention... waiting. Finally... the first real assault came... taking my breath away. It stung... bad. Just as I had imagined.... yet I still wanted more. It came as no real shock to me. While he started working me over.. my mind wandered... from the thoughts of wanting more... to not being sure I could take more.... to wondering if THIS is what a cane felt like.

Before he was done, Ben striped my ass... had a little fun with my breasts... and even managed to get me to spread my legs far apart to get one good swat on my cunt. I am fairly sure I could have taken more... that it could have went on for quite a bit longer. I'm not exactly sure why I let it end... I kind of was kicking myself as we laid there... quietly content in our post sex haze.

Once we pryed ourselves out of bed... I checked out my "war wounds" in the mirror. A sly grin came across my face to see the product of his love. (Because in my eyes.... he does this because I ask him to.... because he knows it's what I need.... and so that it love.. to me amongst other things). There is something about when he marks me.... that brings me such joy. I wonder do all people that play so to speak enjoy their marks as much? Do they wear them like a badge of honor?

Even as I was in the bathroom at my father-in-laws (look for another post coming soon to a blog near you!).... I turned to admire the red lines... and faint bruises in the mirror. Sigh. What more can a girl ask for?

HNT:lead me

2009-06-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

There is something very exciting about putting on my little black collar.... something exciting about being on my hands and knees... being led by Ben. Makes me tingle all over... and that can't be a bad thing!

even the happiest couples disagree sometimes

2009-06-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have always been hesitant to air our dirty laundry... I didn't want to be THAT girl that bitched and moaned about her husband. The fact is... I adore him with my every being... I love him... and plan on spending our lives together. No matter if I am upset with him... or completely happy.. that does not change.

With that said.

Our only ongoing issue in our relationship.. has been sex. Sex is very important to me... always has been. Its part of how I identify myself. I am a very sexual person... period. Ben.. no so much. He is okay with having sex a couple times a week... and leave it at that. He's not the type to spend time looking for new things to do.. or watch porn without me. It's not at the front of his mind... almost ever.

For me.. that's really not so true. I think about sex everyday... multiple times a day. I like thinking about new things... looking for new things. I could happily have sex almost everyday... and be good to go.

There is not a huge difference in the amount we want sex... but it is very noticeable to me sometimes. I am very touchy feely... in a sexual way sometimes.... even if I'm not necessarily trying to initiate sex. Sometimes... my goal is just for him to want me.... to have that want build till later. He doesn't always get that... the point of it. And so this leads to my feelings being hurt.. because he pushes me away.

About every six to eight months... we do this dance... where it comes to a head... mainly because when it comes up.. we put a quick patch on it and move forward. We never really come to any answers to how to meet in the middle. And so things start back all hot and heavy... and slowly move to the other... and culminates in me being butt hurt and him feeling like he can't perform to what I need.

I'm really tired of this dance... tired of it coming to that.. because honestly we're better than that. We can work out our differences.. we are intelligent adults. So thats where we are. It will all work itself out.. its just trying to figure out how to get to that point.

We are both trying to figure out what exactly we need and what we want. When we do, we'll sit down and talk.. compare.. and figure out the middle ground. It will be work to figure out something new.. and make it work... but I know we can.

Sugasm #166

2009-05-31T15:59:00.001-07:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #167? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Bare-Assed Cheek (2): Punishment and Reward
“His finger glides up the inner side of my left thigh.”

Lilly’s Turn - Part 1: Wherein a Power Play is Made
“I asked her, outright, if she considered herself submissive.”

…please…
“Exquisite pain heralding exquisite surrender.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Is Sasha Grey going mainstream?

Sugasm Editor
A Difficult Scenario

Editor’s Choice
Just Looking

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

News, Reviews & Interviews
Horny Goat Weed: The Facts
Top Five Tuesday - Pop Culture Porn
Uniram Manual Sex Machine

Sex Advice
Ask Miss Bliss - She Brings Her Man To The All-Girl Sex Party
Guide to First-Time Anal Sex
How to Make Your Own Fucking Machine

BDSM & Fetish
“Dominant Savant…?”
Microfantasy Monday: Tits
More?
My favorite spanking blogs
Riffing on Brent Scott Riffing on Socrates (was Meeting BS)
Thank you, Jay Wiseman
What’s in the box?

Erotic Writing & Experiences
Burning the Midnight Oil
Camera Shy, Part 4
Couch. Confession #278
Drowning In Lust
Each Exquisite Stroke
Fantasy to Reality
I Like Being a Dirty Bitch
Miss blue that Naughty Little Voyeur
Play
Safe Haven
Sexy Skills
Sissy
Sleep Fucking

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Bianca Beauchamp on a road trip
HNT – Thursday, May 21st, 2009
Hungarian Viva TV presenter is totally nude
Kim Kardashian Playboy Nude Pictures - Few More
Love HNT
Playful Flower
Stunning blonde schoolgirl is punished
“Vixen” -HNT

Sex Humor
A Chocolate Dick Treat
The Secret to Soul Mates

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Blow Jays
Darling, You Look Wonderful Tonight
Have you seen her…?

If the Berlin Wall can fall.... so can mine

2009-05-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

I laid in his arms... him on his back.. me curled into his body. The calm after the storm... the uncertainty in the wake of the fight we just ended. Although it was done... I was still holding on.. holding onto the words he said... and the hurt it caused.

His fingers traced the curves of my back... gently caressing my warm skin. Our breathing shallow... but rhythmic. The room was quiet... only the soft hum of the fan above us spoke. I needed air... I needed away just to keep the monster inside calm. I kissed him... told him I loved him.. because no matter what.. that remains true.

After pulling away and laying on my back... my reluctant hand touched his leg... not wanting the gap between us to grow so large that tears would come flowing back. Minutes passed... and again... his advancement came. His hand touched my body... gently... wanton.

He outlined my chest.. down my stomach.. to my thighs.. barely passing by my pussy. In my head... I wanted nothing of it... I didn't want to give in.... to let go. But.. as always.. my body betrays my mind... it reacts to the touch of the man I love.

My mind fights though.. not letting down the barrier that easily. With every stroke of his fingers... the lust wells in my body... yet inside... the battle goes on... there is no way it will allow me to enjoy this seduction. Still he presses on. More and more brave as time passes.. till his fingers dive into my wet cunt. A groan escapes his mouth at the welcome they are met with. The warm, wetness envelopes his digits... urging him on.

The arousal is almost too much to fight anymore... he knows my weakness... he can see right through me. He knows how to touch me to make me melt... how to make me scream. This is intimacy... this raw unhidden truth... this knowledge of me. His fingers advance up.. finding my swollen clit and begins lavishing it with attention... till every wall my mind has built is in a pile of rubble.

He senses this... and in a smooth move... he is on top of me. The tip of his cock nudges against my soaked hole. He stays there... tempting me to slid down on him.... or perhaps to tease me.. to make me helpless with lust. His lips meet mine... they mingle.. tongues brushing each other in a dance of sorts. A tango of passion.

There is no roughness... its pure... its love... its naked need... the need to push past the angry words said... the hurt that was caused- to make it all better... to mend those wounds. Its intensity that you feel deep inside... the offer of yourself... to where you are truly naked...

Finger licking good HNT

2009-05-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes words are not needed.

Sugasm #165

2009-05-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #166? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Blame it on the al-al al-al al-al-co-hol
“My legs were now spread and he was in between them.”

Dinner and a Show
“Before it disappeared completely, I gave it a twist at the base, causing it to vibrate.”

Sugarbutch Star: Matt (part two) - All Five Senses
“She takes her lipstick out of her bag and uncaps it, twists it up and paints her mouth subtly, softly.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Adieu ErosBlog?

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: Relationship Status

Editor’s Choice
A Long Slow Seduction Continued…

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
The Asshole Standing Next To You
Sharp Shooter

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Divini Rae Sexy Pictures - High Quality
Dunes
Jana Jordan
Laissez-faire (HNT)
Secretary is whipped by their bosses

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Back Home Tonight
The Best Friend (part 2)
Camera Shy 3
Drive Me Crazy
Not Enough #8
Her Favorite Positions - Part Two
Love Bites
The ‘N’ Word - a short story…
The Rossebuurt Gap Year: With Benefits
Skin
Spite
Strokin’
You Give Me Fever

Sex Humor
Lesbian Sex Coffee Analogy

BDSM & Fetish
At Your Service
Pornographic statue
Spanked on their delightful bare bottoms

Sex News, Reviews, and Interviews
Lelo Ella
Me and my Uniram
New Study Challenges Masturbation Numbers
Top Five Tuesday - FemDoms

Sex Advice
Firsts

four weeks

2009-05-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

We watched Seven Pounds with Will Smith in it last night. I have to say, this is one of the saddest movies I have seen in a very long time. The premise of the movie was different... but definitely something different.

In the movie, Will Smith meets a woman who is terminally ill. She has chronic heart failure and is given four to six weeks to live.

After we watched it (and I cried.. hard)... we headed to bed. The wheels in my head started to turn. What if I was told I only had four weeks to live? What would I do? How would I live the last thirty days of my life?

I mulled over things in my head... and found myself over come with emotion at this. All the things I would miss... birthdays.. weddings.. holidays.... what to pick and choose... what is most important... ran around inside my skull.. doing a little tap dance on my heart.

So here's what I came up with.. in no particular order.

write letters to my girls for special occasions... milestone birthdays.. wedding days.. graduations
write good bye letters to all that I hold dear
spend an afternoon with each of the girls just one at a time.. doing whatever they wanted
go do a complete spa treatment
spend a full day in bed with Ben... having sex.. laughing.. cuddling.. and Im sure crying
go to the coast.. see the ocean one last time
have a full family bbq
watch the sunset
stay up all night and watch the sunrise
quit my job
get a family portrait done
eat at my favorite restaurant
doing a weekend in Vegas.. renew our vows
throw a birthday party for the girls
take a long hot bath with candles.. the radio... and Ben
go for a drive in the mountains
visit one place I've never seen before.. like Vancouver, BC
spend one whole day watching movies
spend one whole day outside... soaking up the sun
sleep till noon one day and not feel guilty about it

When all is said and done... it really amazes me just what things I love to do.. did not make the list. The simple things are the things that are most important... but in the same thought.. they aren't so simple. I hope upon hopes that I never am faced with that knowledge... that my days are numbered. It would be the single most scary thing I've ever endured.

I want a life filled with lots of years ahead of me... filled with my family... and my friends. I want to grow old next to my husband and watch my children grow... and have children of their own. My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced something like that... it is terribly heart breaking.. no words do it justice.

HNT:a view from the top

2009-05-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

I was unboxing stuff at work today.... when the box pressed against my chest... a surge of pain rushed through me. I smiled.. remembering the brutal attack from the night before.... remembering begging to feel relief. Ahh the sweet, sweet reminders.

Even when you hurt... and you want it to stop... you don't want it to end. When it does.... you want it back again... funny how that works.

My Birthday: part three: the road trip

2009-05-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

After finally rolling out of bed... we showered in our post sex glow. By then, we were starving.. so we go dressed when we were done... and headed out for our day. We went and grabbed some breakfast and decided which was we'd head to the coast... up the Oregon side or the Washington side of the Columbia river... we decided the Oregon side.

After eating we got on our way. We listened to music and chit chatted. The weather was perfect... the sky was blue with very little clouds... a great day to go for a drive to say the least. Before long I needed to stop for a bathroom break. We happened upon a gas station. I jumped out, leaving Ben in the car.

Inside.... there was this machine in the bathroom that cracked me up. It was really in the middle of no where... and so this seemed a strange thing to have. But I guess even people who live there need to get laid right?

I just HAD to take a pic.. there was no way I could accurately explain the machine to Ben.. and well.. it makes for good blog material too hehe.

So back on the road... we kept driving... when we passed a bridge. The sign on the bridge said "Sierra's (well my REAL name) Creek".

Ben: "Look babe, its your creek!"
Me: "Yep.. its nice to have your own creek"
Ben: "Looks like Sierra's creek is all dried up though"
Me.: "Well then there is no way that is my creek... I'm never dried up"

I grinned and he chuckled.

When we pulled into Seaside... the weather went from sunny and warm.. to foggy and a little chilly. It was a bit disappointing honestly. We were going to make the best of it though. We stopped at the outlet mall there and shopped around a bit.

We went into a kitchen store. We browsed around.. I got some new cake pans. We went down the utensil isle... in which I looked at all those things.. in a spanking light... more than using them in the kitchen. I guess that's what happens when you like being spanked.

From there Ben picked up a book from a book store there then we headed to a wine shop. Someone from the last munch we went to suggested a wine that can only be bought at two places... this was one of them. I am not a wine fan honestly... but have always wanted to be. It looks so dignified.

We strolled in... and it was the first thing we saw. Miscotti de Ascoti. There were two brands... and we had no idea which one would be better. I tried to get Ben to go ask... but he wouldnt.. and nor would I.. I'm a baby at that stuff. So we just grabbed one and headed to the beer section.

There was so many to choose from.. we headed to the counter. Ben asked for a suggestion and ended up getting two kinds. He loves his dark ales... (yuck). Then.. my darling husband asked about the wine... he is so wonderful. The guy let us sample the wine.. and OMG is it tasty. I love it. I can't wait to crack it open.

From there we headed to the downtown area to walk around and check out the shops. We wandered around hand in hand taking in the day... just enjoying being together. We idley went into shops that looked interesting and skipped the ones didn't want to see.

We came accross this huge candy/ chocolate store. We got some truffles and fudge from there. The owners were this cute couple that had met on the internet. I guess that the husband makes all the fudges and chocolate... he does a very good job IMO. We told them we had met on the internet too. It was really nice to see that an older couple had met the same way we did.. and had such a positive view of it.

From there we went on and ended up at the beach front. There were tons of people out on the beach.. playing in the sand.. or tossing around a ball. We sat on a bench and watched for a bit.

After sitting around for a bit we decided to head back up the other side of the street. Before too long we were back at the car and decided to head to Cannon Beach. Pretty much the moment we left Seaside, the fog cleared up... and the weird thing is... they are only seven miles apart.

When we got to Cannon Beach we drove around for like thirty minutes trying to find a spot to park. We finally found a spot and got some ice cream. We were kind of bothered about the lack of parking.. even though we had found a place. So we revised our plan... looked up directions on my iPhone.. and got in the car.

Our new plan called for driving to Portland... having dinner and going to a comedy show. We got into Portland around 4:30.... and proceeded to find a place to eat. This proved to be more troublesome than we thought. After a bit we just decided to stop at the Outback Steakhouse we had seen up the road.

Dinner was super tasty. We had a bloomin' onion, which I hadn't had since I was a teenager. So that was nice. By the time dinner was done.. we still had almost two hours before the show. Nothing really was calling to us to do to burn the time so we revamped the plan again. We would drive back to town and catch a movie.

So we ended up getting back home and going to Star Trek. It was really good.. but that is my humble opinion. I was never a fan of the old school Star Trek... so it says something that I liked it.

So over all... my birthday was a success. Ben did a wonderful job at making my day special.. and I am so grateful for that. He is a wonderful man... and he proves that over and over to me. I could not imagine not spending my birthday with him.. he just made it that much more special.

So I'm a year older now... and thirty is looming off in the distance. I don't feel a year older... but that is certainly okay. Hopefully this year will be just as good as last year was.

Oh... butttt... I got no birthday spankings *pout*. Maybe he'll make up for it hehe.

My Birthday: part two: waking up is hard to do

2009-05-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up earlier than I would have liked (no... this is not a repeat post lol). My allergies were not letting me sleep.. ie... I couldn't breathe well.. and well... Ben was snoring. So I got up and read some blogs till I heard our alarm go off in the distance.

"Happy Birthday!", I heard my barely away husband call out. I replied with a thank you... then was told a few more times... happy birthday.... which made me giggle a bit. I put the computer down and climbed back into bed with him. Cuddling up close to him, I closed my eyes and smiled.

Not long after sliding into bed with him again, did my hand slide up his chest. My fingers glided over his nipple... barely grazing it... but extracting a reaction from him. I took the nub in between my fingers and pulled gently. I worked it over for a minute or two the moved to the next.

By the time I was done teasing his upper body.. his lower was more than ready for some attention. My hand went south... bumping into his cock... full and hard. I slid my hand over it... all warm and firm... feeling the lust grow between my own legs. Wrapping my fingers around it... I slowly started to stroke... slow and deliberate movements.

I played for a bit before decided to move back to his nipples. My hand left its new companion and my mouth went to work on his nipple... taking it in between my lips... kissing it... nibbling it... flicking it with my tongue.

Ben's hand took over.... something I love. There is something about him stroking his cock in front of me that drives me mad... something no other man has ever been able to do. I positioned myself so that I could watch him pleasure himself. I could feel his body tense at the double attention- a duet of sorts.

It wasn't long before I could not take it anymore. My mouth made a move... from nipple to cock. I parted my lips and took him deep into my mouth.. to my throat. He groaned... a sign of his approval. I made no waste of our time... and began servicing his cock. Moving up and down at different speeds... sometimes with my tongue pressed hard against... sometimes all the way to the hilt. Any way.. it made no difference.. time has a way of teaching you the things your lover likes.

When I could take no more, I climbed on top of him... a leg on each side... and took him into me. I started bouncing up and down- slowly at first then building in speed. I could feel the steady rise of my orgasm.... it was coming slowly.. but still coming.

My movements were deliberate.. just as my blow job had been... it was not even paced... I would go slow.. then fast... just to switch it up a little. A bit passed... this dance of sorts... before he had me switch it up. He turned me around.. facing away from him... and I went back to work.

This did the trick for me.. I could feel myself on the edge of release. Playing this game of chicken... running to the edge then backing off.... I wasn't ready to cum just yet. I kept riding him though... so close to erupting... but not letting go. I needed something to push me off.

I climbed off.. getting onto my hands and knees... Ben followed suit. He wasted no time to get behind me. I felt one of his hands touch my waste then pushed down into my back... and the other on my shoulder and neck.. grasping. He went to work on my cunt.. fucking me like there was no tomorrow.

That was all I needed... that little bit of dominance... so simple... and I was falling. My orgasm surged through my body... riding that wave of pleasure. Ben followed again... exploding into my hungry pussy.

We collapsed into each others arms... and soon drifted between sleep and wakefulness.

We dozed for a bit.. before I woke again... feeling horny once more. I laid there for a few.. debating what I wanted to do. Finally, I slid my hands down between my legs... finding a nice warm, wet pussy waiting to be violated. I slid my fingers in between the lips... finding my clit. I worked circles slowly. The sensation made my back bow a little... waking the sleeping man next to me.

His hands began to work me over.... inching over my skin... pinching my nipples... down between my legs to my thighs... cupping his hand over my face.. taking my breath away. All the while I kept working my pussy... rubbing my clit and dipping my fingers inside.

The build to my next orgasm was intense... I could barely handle it. I finally took his hand and shoved it to my cunt... hoping he'd get the hint. He did.. moving between my legs then sliding his fingers deep inside of me.

It was right there.. I could feel it... I was teetering. I moaned and deepened my resolve to cum... rubbing faster. My breathing labored... my legs tensed... my eyes squeezed tight... and finally.. the sweet release came.

When I came down off the high.... and my breathing came back to normal... we cuddled into each others arms again... knowing that this would not last... it was time to get up and get our day started.

My Birthday: part one: the day before

2009-05-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

I kicked off my birthday on Saturday morning... yes... a day early. When I woke up... I realized that my clothes that I had washed the night before.... were in fact still wet. I groggily stumbled through the house... noticing that Ben had left the light on in the kitchen/dining room when he had left for work.

Now.. here is where I'm going to make us look a little lame. We had a poker party on New Year's Eve right? Well we had hung a HNY banner... well that we never took down. Why you ask? Well... honestly I have no idea why we have not taken it down... so yes...

I noticed said banner on the table... and thought it was kind of odd... that he would take it down, he must have got tired of looking at it right? I kept walking... then tossed my clothes into the dryer. I figured that I had a few minutes to pass before I could get dressed... so I sat down on the couch to check my email... that is when I noticed this..

I called him to thank him... then got dressed for work. I headed out the door... then found his next surprise...

He also filled my car with balloons and a blinkie "It's my birthday" pin... it was very sweet.

The rest of the day was uneventful... other than my allergies kicking my ass... by the end of the work day.. I was feeling pretty shitty. I had to buck it up though... I had a party to go to. A co-worker of mine is moving.. and we were having a going away party.

I jumped in the shower and headed out shortly after. We planted ourselves in the bar of the restaurant. I ordered my first drink almost immediately. After a hour of being there... I had downed three... and was feeling no pain.

Ben joined us shortly after.... he was there to pick me up after work basically.... no driving for Sierra. Needless to say.. I was giggly.. and kinda stupid. Buttttttttttt I had a great time... before I passed out when we got home.

I can only imagine the stories that will be told about me at work on Tuesday...

birthday HNT

2009-05-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Whats a birthday.. without candles? This weekend... I'll be a year older... and while I am torn about that... I've come by it honestly. The last year has held a lot of good memories... and few bad ones. So.. I cannot complain too much.

Hopefully my birthday will hold lots of good memories... after all.. I do need my birthday spankings!

be careful what you say...

2009-05-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ben and I were washing dishes. We regularly share the chores around the house... dishes are no different.. one washes and the other rinses. Tonight... Ben was rinsing.

"How much soap did you put in there?", he asked rinsing the plates.

We had had bbq ribs for dinner... and so the water was going to be a little more greasy than normal.. and in fact I had put quite a bit of soap in the dish water. I mocked him in a playful way.. making him sound whiny.

It lasted shortly.. and I continued washing... after rewashing the plates. Then he said something else... I can't remember... but I mocked him again.. giggling after I was done.

Ben responded in an unexpected way. He pulled away from the counter.. me still scrubbing a pan... snatched down my pants and smacked my ass hard with his still wet hand. I was slightly shocked... and instantly turned on.

I looked over my shoulder... my mouth agape a little... I said nothing. I went back to washing.. in my quiet surprise. Again, I glanced over at him.. trying to appear a little hurt...I'm sure he knew better.

"Got anything else to say?", he said in this almost amused voice. I shook my head no... finishing up my task. When I was done I wiped down the counter... tossing the towel over the sink to let it dry. I smirked.... mocked him once more... then made a run for it.

I took around corner and stole into our room... giggling all the way... slamming the door... leaning against it.. and locking it. I stood there giggling.. knowing he was coming.. knowing what was in store for me.

Sure enough.. he came to the door... I laughed uneasily... quite proud of myself. He jiggled the handle.. I went to the door and knocked.

"Hello?", I called out. No answer. A minute or so would pass of him trying to get in when I finally unlocked it... Ben pushed into the room. I laughed more... backing against the wall... not wanting to give him access to my ass.

He stood there.. with this cool confidence... knowing that I would give in... all he had to do is wait. I slid against the door trying to squirm my way out the door... with no luck. It was shut and locked... and I was not getting out of this one.

I kept trying though... which only got me turned around... arm twisted up between my shoulder blades and face shoved into the bed. I felt my pants being yanked down again.... and then a quick, sharp smack. Followed by pinches and scratches..... all the while I moaned into the bed and begged him to stop.. telling him sorry over and over.

He stopped... I stood... and pulled my pants in their original position. I smiled shyly at him... only for him to lace his fingers through my hair and shove me to the ground. He pulled out his all ready hard cock and impaled my mouth.

He stayed like this for what seemed like forever... fucking my face... giving me only seconds to catch a breath.

Finally, he spoke... "Do you want me to cum in your mouth or in your pussy?".

I tried to say pussy... I wanted him to fuck me so badly... I said it a couple times... and all I got was a what? He pulled away... and I answered him. I was pulled to my feet and pushed forward. For the last time, the pants went back down... and he entered me.

*******

After we were all done.. we went back to our business. He sat on the couch to check his email.. I went to do some other things in the kitchen. I picked up my phone....

Me: Naughty man
Him: That's the way you like it

He's right too... just the way I like it.

my love affair with spanking

2009-05-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that recently.... spanking is a big thing to me. It's probably THE thing for me... the thing I fantasize about more... long for most. Our experience in spanking is pretty limited, which makes me kind of sad. Hopefully we can work on that soon.

I'm terribly fascinated with implements... and the marks those leave. Take for instance the thing I've been wanting to try/get for some time now.... a cane. I've talked about it before. My feelings about this has not changed despite the time that has passed since I wrote that post. I'm sure that it would hurt much more than I can even imagine... but I would love every minute of it. I would love the delicious welts they would leave... and the soreness that would follow.

Another... something that I've never tried.. which seems silly with how common it is... a wooden hair brush. There is something kind of intriguing and naughty about being spanked over the knee with a hair brush. I'm not really sure what it is... such a ordinary object.... yet... I would like to know what that felt like.

Up next... another household item... the plastic spoon. Oh my does that thing pack a punch... but leaves the best bruises! Oh the sting they give... makes you want to dance around to get away from the bite of that item. I do have fond memories of moments with the spoon.... I have no complaints!

ANDDD a leather belt... Ben has a belt that looks almost exactly like this one.. but it's black. Too many hard swings from that puppy certainly leaves some blue.. black.. and purple marks. I cannot imagine if the buckle ever made contact.... Ouch is all I have to say. BUT still a wonderful spanking tool.

Another implement I have not had the pleasure of trying on for size is.. the every popular ping pong paddle. I imagine it has quite the thuddy kind of feel to it... I have yet to see... hopefully one day I will get the chance... (I need to show Ben this post hehe).

Finding a picture for this next item... brought about an unexpected recation from me... I practically drooled (not really haha). The leather strap. Does that not look fantastic? Oh man.. words escape me right now... my mind is off in another little world... moving on...

Paddles are next up... when I think of paddles.. I think of the days when they still paddled children in school. I still remember sitting in my desk in class knowing some boy that got escorted out of the room was getting two swats. The idea always terrified me... and so I was always a good girl. Thinking about it now... not really the same reaction.

Then... the crop. Another thing I want to try.. and have wanted to try for some time. I can imagine this is a versitile item.. one that can be used for more than spanking someone's ass. But I dont know that from person experience... yet.

And well.. the tried and true... hand. One cannot rule out the intimacy that is brought by spanking someone with a bare hand. There is just something about skin on skin contact that makes me all warm and tingly.

I'm sure I could go on and on about the different items someone could use to spank another person.... lots of which are unconventional. That is one of the cool things about spanking... you can go anywhere the imagination can take you... and that my friends, is never a bad thing.

Mother's Day Delight

2009-05-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since we last had sex... because the dreaded aunt had come to visit. We were both frustrated.. missing our coupling. I received a phone call from my nephew saying he was on his way over to mow our lawn. We pay him to mow our lawn each week so that he can earn some cash and well... because we don't really like mowing the lawn.

We laid there in a groggy state after I got off the phone... but there is no way I was going pass up a chance to feel him inside of me. I slide my hands under the sheets to his hip moving it over to awaken his cock. I rubbed gently getting a sigh of pleasure from him. I worked a few minutes on him before he was fully awake.

Before I knew it Ben's hands were on my clit... rubbing rough circles. My body reacted immediately... back arched... enjoying the much missed attention. All the while I kept my hand on his cock.. stroking up and down .

After a bit of this.. I could not take it... I needed to feel full.... and so I shoved his hands lower... urging him to plunge his fingers into my wet hole. And he did... deep... sliding them in and out quickly... making my muscles tighten around his appendages. I was almost over powered by the sensations... but not quite.

Soon I was being turned onto my side... slightly lifting my leg to allow him access to my most tender of places. He slid in with ease... me gasping as he did so. A satisfied moan escaped my lips... almost as to say finally!

He started pumping his hips. His fingers inched up my torso till they found their home on my nipple. His initial touches were gentle... kneading them between two fingers. The gentlness soon melted into something more primal... more aggressive. He started tugging on my bud... pull and pinching making me cry out.

Then his assault changed.... he released me... then slapped his palm down on my breast.... I winced in pain. I loved every minute of it. Next came his fingers... raking over my chest. They went from one side to the other... leaving red lines in their wake.

He would spend the next bit alternating till they were screaming for relief. I pulled away a little... needing the break... needing a change. A change was what I got... his hand found a new place to attack... my ass.... there in front of him... begging to be spanked.

This, however, was no nice warm up spanking... this was harsh... take your breath away spankings. One after another... in a nice little row... sharp and to the point. My hands left my chest to cover my ass.... only for him to find my breasts again... slapping them again.

I squirmed... wanting the attack to end in one way... but not wanting it to end in other ways. I recovered my chest.... and as before... he found another target. He lifted my leg into the air... and made contact with my inner thigh. I yelped.

I decided it was time to give my body a break and wiggled out of his clutches onto my back. I moved my fingers to his nipple... taking it between my fingers and rolling it... all the while he kept fucking me.

"Make yourself cum", he ordered... and so my free hand found itself rubbing my clit... bringing myself quickly to orgasm at his command- my cunt tightening around him.

"Pinch your clit now... until I cum", he once more directed. I made no point of protesting... I knew that I had no fight in me. So I took the tiny bud in between my fingers and pinched. I could feel my muscles tighten around his cock again... all the while he moved in and out. His finish was not far off... and I was right... moments later his body shuddered... his seed spilling into me.

I hooked my leg aroud his back... pulling him deep inside as he pulsed into me... then let go of my clit... enjoying the product of our desire. Soon he slid out of me... and I curled into him... smiling.

the road less traveled

2009-05-08T16:09:00.001-07:00

I wonder, the life I would have lived.... had I made different choices along the way.

Would I be where I am today? Had I not had children... and did the four year college thing.. would I live in the Northwest? Probably not... because at each decision... at each fork in the road... there is a different outcome.

Perhaps I could have graduated with a degree in marketing as I had dreamed.... and live in some large city... doing the grind... behind a desk some where. Dress to kill everyday... with a go getter attitude putting my social life on a back burner to further myself up the corporate ladder. But really? Is that truly me.. I think not.

Perhaps I could have married someone else... never having kids... living in a the high life with my powerful husband... in a condo we had long since payed for. Encircled by our flashy friends that would make me question if they were true friends.

Or.. perhaps I'd be in a devastatingly unhappy marriage... the typical house mom... staying at home.. making dinners and cleaning house. Carpooling the children that I would have had to soccer and baseball. Always the ever faithful, happy wife on the outside but deep down loathing my busy, but some how boring life.

See... no matter how many infinite different versions of me there could have been... I can't help but be thankful for the me that I am. I have made some not so wise decisions in my day, but in that same breath, I have made some pretty damn good ones. Had I not made each and every one of those, I would not be here.. I know that... I would not be married to Ben.. I would not have the children I have... who really knows where and who I would be.

Quite frankly, I'm happy not know what other version I could be.

HNT the sequel

2009-05-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

There really is nothing better than a nice hot bath... some music... a little bit of alone time... it will do wonders for your mind, body, and soul.

Sugasm #164

2009-05-05T16:28:00.001-07:00

This Week’s Picks
Confessional: Breaking the Girl
“And that’s why I’ll love it, that’s what will fuel me to dig deeper.”

Does Art imitate Life or Life Art?
“We were experimental and conventional and some times both in the same round of sex. ”

It burns…
“And this is no sweet kissing”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
A Porn Customer Protests

Sugasm Editor
Fetish Fridays: Teabagging

Editor’s Choice
Light Me Up Right

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News, Reviews, and Interviews
Champagne Giveaway: Lesbian Hospital 2 from Girlfriends Films
O’my Caramel Lubricant

Sex Advice
Advice: I Can’t Cum in There
Delayed Ejaculation - The Flip Side of Premature Ejaculation
Gettin’ Busy Goin’ Green
How to Get the Best Orgasm

BDSM & Fetish
Annie Wersching: I’d Beat
Cousins in pigtails
Get painfull paddle over the table
Out of the Past, Toward the Future
The Slit Dream
Submission and Orgasms

Sex Humor
Question Time!
Singing disco and squealing with (good) pain

Erotic Writing and Experiences
The Canvas
Diary of a Futa - Marny’s Journal
Fairy Time
The Games We Play
I Love His Cock
Kiev kink
Love letter to a memory.
Ms. Robinson
My slutty little girl.
The Overnight. Finale (Dildos)
Perks of the Job
Silence
Three
A Three Way with Adonis

Sex & Politics
The FatGirl Pervert Rants.

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Brothers… and Sisters
For The Single Male
My Little Secrets or Things I Don’t Tell the Boys
A quick note on pets.
She Got-I Got

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Angel in the midst
Croatia Football Babe - Body Painting
Lysa is au natural
New Cuckold MP3
Pure Pleasure
Vulnerable HNT
Wild animal set free

sleeping with my lover

2009-05-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

I had gotten up earlier than I would have liked.... and decided... that it would be a good idea to climb back into my warm bed next to my sleeping husband. I slinked into bed feeling the warmth from his body and scooted all the way up to his back... molding mine around his. I sighed softly... taking in the glow of cuddling up to Ben... how I love it.. to be close to him... even in such an innocent way.

I lay there for a few minutes... listening to the even rhythm of his breathing... my head resting on the corner of his pillow. I can smell him.. his scent... I smile again. I love the way he has this affect on me... that even the way he smells captivates me... and I am his prisoner. The lustful thought is planted.... and the challenge is on.

My already draped hand snakes downward.... fingers outline his hip bone. They go to work... the business of waking and arousing my lover. I am subtle at first.. hoping that my tender touches will stir him... and awaken the need in him to take me.... but as a few minutes pass.. I realize that I need to take it to a more aggressive level.

I move my hand to his cock... it lays there... resting in its sleepy state. My hands caress the soft flesh.... all the while... I am beyond ready to attack him. I am fully awake to the idea of feeling his hands on me... feeling the initial penetration of his hard cock... filling me full and making me cry out in pleasure.

This, however, has not come to light.... as my mind has wandered off to more pleasant, erotic things.. Ben has rolled over some... more onto his stomach. Not willing to accept defeat, I devise a new plan. I move my hand back behind him... down to his inner thighs. Back to work my hands go... still trying to get that reaction I so desperately want. I am drunk with lust now... wishing.

Alas, my efforts prove futile.... he will not rouse. I stop my advances and admit defeat.... apparently there will be no morning sex for me.

disecting need

2009-05-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

Where does the need for pain come from? How does one recognize that need inside themselves?

I can honestly say... I do not know where my need comes from.. or if there is even a reason why I am the way I am. I know a lot of people tend to say that devious wants come from a history of some sort of abuse.... but for me.. I had wanted that (just maybe not realized it) before I ever had an abusive relationship.

Growing up.. I can honestly only remember a handful of times I was spanked. I was a willful child... and generally got whatever I wanted. There was few to no rules in my house.. and I frequently boasted about this... that "I could do whatever I wanted". I ruled my house.. and I knew it. No was really not something I was told.

Whether or not that was a good thing... well.. I know it wasn't a good thing, but had I been in an environment in which there was structure... would I be who I am now? Probably not. I mean.. I did not turn out that bad, but I certainly could have.

I went from that life.. to a life filled with a lot of pain... not a good pain. My first real relationship was with a man that felt the need to hit me. Usually when we would fight. I am a strong willed girl... and easily am angered by some people. This, of course, lead to a lot of very unpleasant... tear filled moments.

But even though I endured physical abuse.. I still longed to feel a man's dominance over me sexually. It seems kind of weird to me.. that the idea of it would send me screaming in the other direction. Deep down I guess I know that being dominated I'm not being hurt in a negative way.. and perhaps that is the key here.

Still though, that does not answer where it began... what moment began that addiction? Or maybe.. just maybe it was not environmental induced. Perhaps it is just the way my mind and body are wired... that it is just as much a part of me as my eyes being brown.

Whatever the origin.... it is highly enriching... and brings me much pleasure. So.... it cannot be a bad thing.

first time for everything.. HNT

2009-04-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

So... I have decided it is time to join the masses. This is my very first HNT. I, of course, will not be posting pics of my face... and I will have to work on my ideas... this one was off the cuff. I think it's kind of fitting... from my hands come what becomes my blog..

Your Grace

2009-04-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

SO... (I start out with so a lot huh?).. I can't sleep.. so here I be... digging into the depths of my mind to pull out a much needed blog post. I have found that as of late I have little to say.. which is funny if you know me... because it is so very rare when I DON'T have something to say.

As of late, Ben and I have been watching The Tudors. I love finding new t.v. series to watch.. and this one has wormed it's way into my heart. If by any chance... you have no idea what the hell The Tudors is... well it's this great show about Henry the Eighth... and his rule... and his many wives.

We are currently in the middle of season two... in which Anne Boleyn has become queen and is on her way out to so speak. The show is not completely historically correct... but its a great one. Full of drama and sex... a good combo for entertainment in my humble opinion.

The whole thing is very sad really.... no one really gets a good deal. Take for instance Queen Cathrine... she was beloved... but was pushed from her rightful place. Anne.... was loved by the King for a short period of time... until she actually became his wife... then he realized how blind he had been... but you have to feel sorry for her... no matter how conniving she was. Had it not been for her father... I imagine she would not have reached so high.. only to fall so quickly.

Living back then must have been a nightmare. Not only did you have to worry about disease killing you.... if you part of the upper class... of royalty.. you had to worry about the politics of staying that way... worry about someone coming in and taking over. Or worse... someone killing you. I'm sure the good times were glorious.. but the worry is enough to drive the sanest person crazy.

And lets not even mention being a woman in that time. You had no choices... you did as you were told (for the most part). You were your father's property to do as he deemed.... to marry you off to the best suitor... even if you hated that person. Then, when that marriage came to pass... you were his property.

I'm all for being property of your husband.. if that is what you've given yourself over to.... I just cannot fathom not having that choice. But such is the time that it was..... long before women had rights to choose.

There are things that appeal to me about the series, though. The way they dressed is just to freaking die for. I'm sure its romanticized.. but yeah.. gorgeous! The rich linens... and jewelry... just ugh.. yes! And all the titles... I'm sure I could never have kept it all straight... in which would rank higher than which. I'm sure it was all very confusing.

But I suppose I have rambled on long enough.... time to go try to get some rest.... till next time.

bedtime

2009-04-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

It's late... it is time for bed.

Freshly showered we climb into bed... I lay back.. he is on his knees to fluff the sheets. My hand extends to touch the dip in his back ever so gently. I look at it with wonder... I just adore his back.. the curve of it.

I run the tips of my fingers up and down his spine... feeling the warmth of his skin... I breath a sigh... totally entranced in my lovers body. How his strong shoulders melt into the valley that is his spine.. down to the dip of at the base.. till it turns into his perfectly round ass.

I could touch him forever... in such silent reverence... I wonder if he knows how I adore him... all that makes him... and how I am completely attracted to him in every way. That I think he is handsome... sexy... cute... beautiful.. all in one.

It's moments like this... where I bathe in it.... in the wonder I have for him.. and how it doesn't matter how much time passes... I can still look at him.. and just feel this overwhelming feeling... of love... of attraction.

All of this passes through my mind... it seems like an eternity... but its merely seconds before he slides into bed with me.. shutting off the light and settling in for the night. I roll into him... feeling his arm drape around me... closing my eyes... and I'm home.

I'm on the outside... and I'm looking in

2009-04-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

I went to a Munch today.. solo as Ben had to work late and would not be able to attend. Seems like...I always come home feeling the same way. I get home and feel a bit bummed and kind of on the outside. I must say.. that the people at the Munches are awesome and I really enjoy spending time getting to know them... BUT...

I feel... like I don't belong.. that I'm not nearly as experienced as they are... and half the time have no idea what they are talking about. I have not actually tried most of what they do... and it makes me feel weird... that I have nothing to contribute. Like I'm a pretending to me something I'm not...

Like see... they are trying to organize a play party... which sounds like a ton of fun... but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable going honestly. I would be surrounded by all these people that have tons of different, more lengthy experience... and it would be really... I dunno.. uncomfortable I guess.

I dunno... I'm feeling kinda... weird about it all... kinda down.. which I don't understand. I guess when it comes down to it.. I would like to further our experience as a couple... I'm sure thats the root of this all.

I just have to remember to take baby steps as I have been doing this all longer than Ben... we go at the pace he is comfortable.. and I'm okay with that. I just want to be able to join in with all of them.. and have something to add to the conversation.. not be a bump on a log that is just there taking up space.

gifted... revisited

2009-04-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

Last month... I wrote about not feeling very exceptional at anything.... which brings me to my latest project so to speak.

My niece is graduating this year... which is just weird to me. I still see her as a little girl.. and the idea of her being a grown up out in the world... is just strange. But anyways, I am determined to make her graduation special. I've been helping my sister with party plans... taking care of invites.. and stuff. I even offered up to make a slide show... which became a task in itself. But I'm fairly certain that at least her Mom and Grandparents will be teary eyed.. and that is what I'm going for.

Anyways... my sister and brother-in-law decided that they were not going to be getting senior pictures done. When I heard how much they were charging.. I understood. The company that is in town was charging $75 just to rent the proofs.. in order to to purchase the ones you want... so uh.. yeah.

I've loved photography.. but really didn't think I was that special at it... but I offered to go out and take some shots... see what came up. So over the weekend.. my sister, niece, and I went out and about at the lake.. and around town. We took three days after I was done with work.. and went out and shot pictures... I ended up taking 250 just on my own.. then photo shopped them.

I was honestly surprised at what I came up with... and where as I want to share them all... I don't want to put her face out there for the world to see... sooooooo I will share the ones that doe not show her face. I'm pretty proud of the job I did.

may I have some pain with a side of blood, please

2009-04-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a particularly horny day for me... not that I'm not horny everyday but some days are worse than other. That was yesterday without any doubt... I could barely stand it. I knew I didn't have a shot in hell, though, because Ben had called on his lunch and said his back was really sore. I let that dream of sex go and gave into self fulfillment.

By the time we went to bed, I still wanted sex, of course.... but like I said, gave up on that idea. We laid next to each other talking as we always do... when the comfort of each other engulfed the room. We cuddled in silence... just enjoying being together. Out of no where Ben reached over and started gently stroking my face.

His fingers brushed my lips sending a jolt of electricity through my body. I was not sure if he was being tender or if he was initiating something. I tried to hold back.. not let the lust get the better of me.. but when he continued... I could no longer reign it in.

Soon his fingers worked their way down to my nipples... giving them hard, short tugs..... pain rushed through them. I let out a whimper and then a sigh. He got up off the bed to his knees... one hand cupped my mouth and nose.. the other.... still tweaked my nipples. He was rough... and it was hard not to scream.

At some point I got on all fours and took his cock deep into my mouth. He grabbed my ass and pulled me closer to him... getting better access to my pussy. He took handfuls of my ass and pussy and induced agony on my sex. It was almost too much to take... I went between gasping for air, whining, and working his cock over.

Finally he pulls away... satisfied with his abuse and climbed off the bed. He called me to him... so I followed and got to my knees. His cock fit perfectly back into my mouth.... he went back and forth between gentle and forceful... ordering me to not breathe until I came over and over. After I would cum, I would pull back and gasp for breath.

Satisfied with my many orgasms he asked if I was ready for him to fuck me... I let out a desperate yes. He had me get on the bed on my back and spread my legs.... then pulled me closer to where he wanted me. The tip of his cock touched my awaiting cunt.... and I let out a sigh. He glided in with ease all the way to the bottom. I reached my hands above my head.. letting him take my body however he wanted.... enjoying feeling him filling me up.

After a few strokes.. I reached down... and started making tiny circles on my clit.

"I want to feel you cum on my cock.. cum for me", he ordered.

"Hurt me", I begged... in which he happily obliged.

He took the tender folds of my pussy in his fingers... yanking on them... pinching them... making me writhe in pain. Minutes passed and I came again.... but he did not let up. Before I knew it... this sting of pain ripped through me.... and I panicked. It hurt in a different way and I tried to get away. My breathing labored.... and I wiggled... but he grabbed my arm and pushed it into my chest, calming me.

He went back to the business of fucking me... and leaving my pussy alone. It was not long after that he came... and I laid there.... feeling weak. When I gathered myself we crawled up and laid next to each other... warm from all the exercise.

We cuddled some more before he decided I had not came enough. He moved into between my legs and drove his fingers deep inside of my much used sex. I moaned happily.... knowing that it would not be long before his expert fingers worked me into a frenzy. When I got close... my fingers rushed down... to aid him in his work.

I circled the little nub quickly.. my body rigid with the impending orgasm. It was intense... I knew that it was going to be a strong one. Ben was telling me to cum over and over... and finally.... I hit my breaking point. My body shook... hard.... my breathe was ragged... intense does not describe this one. Tears came to my eyes and my chest heaved with fierce breathes.

Ben climbed up beside me.. pulling me into his chest.. comforting me... holding me close to help me compose myself. It was minutes before my labored breathing went back to normal and my trembling stopped.

Soon... and this is where we enter the TMI part... so be forewarned.... we got up to get cleaned up. He had glanced at his hand... which was coated in blood... I am not on my period. While I was doing so... the sharp pain returned. I tried hard not to cry. When we got back to the bathroom I asked Ben to look at it. I laid back, spreading my legs... fearful of what he was going to find.

He pulled the fold back.. looking deep inside.... he found a sizable cut that was bleeding. He felt terrible... and I reassured him that it was okay.. even if I was a bit freaked out. I was not made... I was more upset that the healing would take a couple days which meant... no sex.

I also had him take a picture so that I could see the laceration . It doesn't look terrible.. but it I am going to have to stay on top of keeping it clean so it doesn't get infected. Needless to say.. it is slightly painful. Having rough sex can be hazardous!

Sugasm #163

2009-04-21T16:35:00.001-07:00

This Week’s Picks
Another Night With My Beer Buddy
“She nodded, her eyes closing with pleasure, his arm working.”

Blowjob in Red
“My voice descended into lust.”

Her dirty talk got me off. twice.
“Why does that turn me on so goddamn much?”

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: The Correct Answer

Editor’s Choice
Stockinged Feet

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Is Sex Positivity Bad for Feminism?
The Mark

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Deviantly Different -HNT
Katrina Darrell Bikini Pictures from American Idol

Sex and Politics
It’s All Over Now Baby Blue…

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Ah, those heels
The Classless in Stripperville
Domination Fantasy
Fucking Ratios, Part 1
Fun With Rose
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Naughty Photoshoot!
A Perfect Welcome
The Reunion
Shivers
Wet. Confession #258
Wet Spot #1 (Crescent Moons)
Wild Dream

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Nookie Tip
Solo Lady Love - Women and Masturbation
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Cop Performs Subdrop Aftercare
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Explaining Cell Popping
A Pain-Drenched Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
Poetic license

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The Hitachi Magic Wand - How it saved (or literally started up) my sex life
Pasties: Tassel Twirling 101
Race Play Interview, Part I
Radio Interview Tonight!

it's my party-I can cry if I want to

2009-04-18T15:05:00.001-07:00

So I would like to start off by saying... I am officially annoyed with Blogger. Apparently you can not post (or even create a new post for that matter) with a mobile device.... UNLESS you text them and they set it up... I am not sure if that's how it works for all blogs... but I must say... that is just stupid.

There I sat... I had the whole post going in my head on lunch... so I broke out my trusty iPhone... only to find that no, I will not be posting a new thing until I get home. Just stupid. So without further ado (and bitching).... my post....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was making dinner.... I really can't remember what I was making now... but Ben came into the kitchen. He started making himself a drink and carrying on small talk when he decided to broach a sensitive subject.

"What do you want to do for your birthday? Do you want to have a poker party... or do you want to do something just the two of us?", he asked... I'm sure hoping to get a good response... what he got.. was not what he expected.

"I dunno.... you know how I feel about my birthday... it's really important to me... and it seems I build it up in my head... and well.. I get disappointed. I honest don't know what I want to do... you should just plan something.... get someone to help you if you need. I just don't have a clue", I replied... feeling this wave of emotion wash over me. I felt completely and utterly bummed.

You see.. like I told him, I always build it up... and its generally a big bust. I have cried on my last two birthdays... because as I have said before, Ben is by no means a planner. I adore him with all my being... but he is not. It does not even cross his mind that he SHOULD plan something for my birthday... I mean after all... I plan everything else.

The fact that he brought it up.. should make me happy.... and it does.. that he's putting thought into it... but the question is.. will it go further? Maybe I'm being a spoiled brat... who knows. I just want one day of the year to be about me.. and only me. I want to feel special and loved... and I really don't think that is too much to ask for honestly. Just one time I would like him to go out of his way... to try really hard to do something special for me... no matter what it is. I would love it because I know how much he put into it.

BUT in the same thought.. I will not hold my breath.. (not because I don't have faith in him... but because I know him and though he tries... it's just not his suit)... and I certainly will no build it up in my head. I refuse to feel like that on my birthday again this year. I just will not do it to myself. At the end of the day... it boils down to.. had I not made it into something huge, I would not feel so bummed. For everyone else... it is just another day... and I'm okay with that.... I just... yeah.. want to feel special.. if only for for day.

Ben did apologize for bringing it up... he said he didn't mean to bum me out... and I know it made him feel bad. I didn't think I would have reacted that way.. I couldn't help myself. I love him... and how he cares... that makes me feel special.... because I know to him I am. So really, I'm not sure why this whole birthday thing bugs me so much... I need to work on that for sure.

just when you least expect it

2009-04-15T17:03:00.001-07:00

It was late... shower time.. right before bed.. our nightly ritual. We were messing around after getting washed up.. playing around with each other.... or should I say.. I was antagonizing him. I tapped him on the forehead... he retaliated by grabbing my arm and swatting my butt; not hard.. just a playful little tap. I felt a twinge.. and knew I wasn't going to stop... it would lead to more.

I did it a few more times.. and with each time.. he was more forceful... pulling my arm up higher and higher behind my back... smacking my ass a bit firmer. Before I knew it.... he had a good hold on me... pushed me up against the wall of the shower.... and started spanking me pretty hard.

I welcomed his assault... feeling the slight burn of the spanking and pulling of my arm. It was all kind of sudden.... but I was loving it... the unexpected. Within seconds I felt his fingers slide into my cunt from behind... filling me up... aggressively sliding in and out with such vigor it took my breath away.

He fingered my pussy hard and fast... not letting me catch my breath... then pulled out smacked me a few more times...before shoving me to the bottom of the tub. His cock penetrated my mouth.. and slammed into the back of my throat. He was brutal... not being easy on me.... as I gagged and fought to gain my composure. He wasn't letting up though.. not till he was ready.

Minutes passed before he left me a heaving mess. I pulled myself together... stood in the warm water for a bit longer.. then left the shower. He had already left the bathroom.. I saw him in the hall area. He glanced at me.. in a kind of cold distant glance... it was kinda strange... and kinda thrilling all at once.

I brushed my teeth and did my before bed stuff then walked into our room.

Ben stood there.. completely naked... the warm glow of a candle filling the room. He reached out for me... cupping my neck and pushing me to the ground. Once again, I found my mouth filled with his cock.... penetrating my lips and back to my throat. He was not gentle... and I adored him for that.

Before long I was bent back over the end of the bed.... him straddling my face... riding me with no abandon. There was something beyond erotic to me about it... the way it felt to be there underneath him almost as he took what he needed from me. I was a puddle without a doubt.

While he did so.. he told me to rub my pussy... make it cum he instructed... and so while he was brutally fucking my face... I was vigorously attacking my clit.... moments away from explosion.

What lay ahead for me... left my face wet with tears.... and my cunt aching for more.

a picture tells a thousand words

2009-04-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

We showed our family pictures from our trip yesterday while we were over for Easter. While showing off these pictures I noticed something.. something you don't notice when you actually take them. I saw all the other people that were not my family in them.... the ones that just happen to be in the shot, simply because there were near when I decided to snap a memory.

After realizing this.. I went through delibritely looking at those other people... at the expressions that I captured. It made me wonder what moment I had in front of me... what part of their day they were in... and how their trip was going. Were they happy times?

Then of course, it made me wonder... how many photographs one of us appear in... just by chance. Will they notice as I did.. and remark at our family? Or will we just be a back drop in their happy memory? AND how many times in my life... on any of the number of vacations I have been on... how many pictures that are not mine have I been in?

And so I will never know who these people are that co-star in the moments of our trip... will never know who they are.. where they are from... none of that. They will merely be a face I took... that will forever be a part of the physical things I have to show from our brief time at Disneyland.

one more in what will be a long line

2009-04-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today is our anniversary. :-) We won't be having too much time together today as Ben has to work late... and I have to work tomorrow.. but we will be making the most of what little we do get. It's one of those things that seems like... wow.. we've been together that long... but in the same instance it really does seem longer.. in a good way of course. It seems like we've been with one another for years upon years.. that we are so much apart of each other.. that being apart is not something that even makes sense anymore.

I just have to say... I love that man... so much.. words do not describe how I feel. When I kiss him... my breath is still stolen.... and my heart flutters. I still miss him insanely when we are not together. We still text each other each morning and call on lunches. I don't think that I could have found a more well suited partner if I had been looking.

I wanted to share with you all... the words I spoke to my husband on the day we were joined in marriage. We wrote our own vows.. and I spent weeks writing and revising.. just to get them perfect. In the end... I was proud of the words that fell from my lips... and filled with such joy and love... seeing his reaction. Even now it makes me misty to think back on that day... that wonderful day.

My darling Ben- to say that my heart is yours from this day forward would be wrong, because it's always been yours since the day I met you. How do I sum up how I feel in a few words? It would never do our love justice. I don't promise to one or two things... I promise my everything. I promise to be your most loyal friend despite what may come our way. I will be honest and faithful to you. I vow to respect you for your uniqueness and be by your side, encouraging you to strive to always be your best and comfort you when you stumble. I will be there to wipe away the your tears and spend endless hours laughing with you. I will give you my best to build a life with you, to grow old with you along life's journey. But most importantly, I promise to love and cherish you every day of my life because without you I would never be complete.

~~~~~~~

Ben.....

I love you more than I did yesterday.... you are so special to me. We've come so far... and have so much further to go... thank your for being you. Happy Anniversary my darling.

Pinch me baby one more time

2009-04-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

In the darkness of our room... laying in bed.. our bodies touching.... I felt his hand snake up my side and to my nipple. He toyed with it gently... taking the protrusion between his fingers and teasing it. I let out a little sigh at the unexpected contact.

It wasn't long before the soft handling became rough... when the rolling of my nipple became a pinch and a tug. My back bowed under the onslaught... but there was not mistaking my growing lust. As the pain shot through my body, it only made me want more... no... need more.

He took my hand and placed it on his cock... a little nudge that I should be doing something... not just laying there enjoying my treatment. I happily started to stroke as his other hand made its way to my pussy.

He dipped his fingers in slowly finding it already wet and waiting. His thumb rested on my clit.. making little circles as the other ones moved in and out taunting my hole. The other hand magically appeared down south as well... taking a grip on the tender flesh. He pinched hard and I gasped at the sudden change in pain. I have a love hate relationship with any sort of suffering surrounding my pussy.

Soon both hands were working me over... pinching and pulling... extracting any and every ounce of affliction they could. I tried hard to stay focused on my task at hand.. stroking his cock was the only thing that was keeping me where I was... and not ten feet away in agony. The funny thing about that is... if I were to flee... I would only be longing to be back... enduring what he was giving me.

He seemed quite pleased with himself.... enjoying causing such pain on his sweet little wife.

"I love hurting your pussy", he said... cocky as he could be. I felt a surge through my body that went straight to my groin.

Again, one of his hands migrated.. this time covering my nose and mouth.... I drew in a deep breath knowing what his movement meant. This time he tugged on my cunt lips really hard and a muffled scream escaped. His hand pressed down harder as I tried to compose myself under the conditions. He repeated this several times.

Soon he was pulling away from me and getting off the bed... dragging my body with him. My mouth took his waiting cock all the way in as he began to fuck my face at a steady rhythm. His hands slide down my back... lifted slightly... then slapped down on my ass. I yelped mid suck but didn't miss a beat on keeping him in my mouth.

Another slap... then another... alternating between each side... then down the middle... which I hate... I loath... and not in a good way. I cannot begin to describe how much that hurts, and I'm not sure why.

I wiggled... hoping that he would move onto other places... luckily he did.... for then. He then drug his fingertips up my back... from the base to my shoulders... scratching me with what little nails he has.... I was in heaven.... it was exactly what I needed... to take away from the discomfort of the spanking.

It was not to last long as his hand swung down on my ass again... as I cried out... him still fucking my face. Again, moving side to side... giving equal attention to each. When he tired of that he flipped me over on my back, my head hanging off the side of the bed.

He slid easily into my mouth... returning to the business of fucking my face... causing me to gag and sputter as he hit the back of my throat. Ben's fingers twisted my nipples briefly before inching down to my sopping cunt.

"Lets see if you can cum while I hurt your pussy", he said. My hand went obediently down to my clit... making circles while he tugged on my pussy lips again. I made fast little circles... knowing I was already pretty worked up. It wasn't long before my body was convulsing from the mixture of pleasure and pain... and oh what a wonderful mix it was.

He didn't let up though... he kept on. He pinched and pulled and tugged until there my face was wet with tears and begging him to stop- only for him to ask me if I really wanted him to stop. Which of course, I didn't. I wanted him to hurt me.. just as much as he wanted to.

This went on for a bit longer before he turned my body so that he could enter me... my legs draped over his shoulders. He fucked me hard as I dug my fingers into the bed... screaming out. All the while he was still torturing my flesh..... making my body bow under his touch.

It wasn't long before he was shooting his cum deep insde of me.... not long before I wrapped my legs around him to keep him from leaving.... not long before I felt so weak I could bearly crawl up to our pillows.... not long before I was wrapped in my lovers arms....

here I be...

2009-04-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

There is a skip in my step... a smile where there was not one before... a laughter that fills my soul.... and a smile that graces my face. I tell you... vacation did wonders for me. I was really getting to a point where going to work was much more of a drag than usual. I just really needed some time away. Yes, I had taken a vacation six months ago.. but the holidays are particularly busy for me at work.... and so that six months felt more like a year.

I find that I'm much happier at work right now (for however that may actually last). It really is a nice feeling... to be somewhat happy about being where you work. I know there has been many times over the last year where I have just loathed being there for one reason or another. It seems that it may be turning around... and for that I am happy.... happy that I waited it out.

It really amazes me what a little extended time off can do for one's demeanor. Now if I could only get time off each month.... how happy would I be then? *laughs* So for now... all is right with the world but with that comes a lack of stuff to write about.... I'm in that rut of writer's block again. I really hate that too... because I really WANT to write.. I want the words to come rolling off my finger tips and into the computer... like a well sung song. And yet... here I sit.. blabbering about nothing...

Perhaps.. I can attribute this to so much going on in my head... I'm running head first into another busy time of year... filled with birthdays.. anniversaries.... and graduation *shudders* (what an evil thing that graduation time). I sit and I weigh what goes through my mind and wonder if it is really that blog worthy... I mean.. who really wants to hear about the new guy at work... that I can't figure out if he's gay.. or if he's submissive (not that they go hand in hand by any means!). Or who wants to hear about Ben's stupid car alarm going off in the middle of each night.. several times. I mean.. seriously.

So instead you get to read my rambling... about nothing.. just something to fill the page.. to get me to the next hopeful post... I'm sorry!

Sugasm #162

2009-04-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

This Week’s Picks
Justify My Love
“All I could think of was to have his arms around me so that they could make everything right.”

Tied Naked In A Field Of Grass
“Growing up on a farm has its advantages.”

On Machismo
“It’s very weird, this rigid interpretation of gender in America.”

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Compassion: The Angry Family

Editor’s Choice
Heat

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

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brock’s Task
Golden Spike
Impish
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Playing Safe
Ritual
Roommate’s Revenge
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Erotic Writing and Experiences
Beneath Him
He Likes Me
In The Shadows
Jenniffer from AFF
Red Pajamas
Stripper Sex. Stripper Fuck. Stripper Fun
Three Views of a Nude
Watching Girls IV, Personal Invitation
Work Violation
You Ask Me

Sex Humor
Dancing dildo’s and other sundry details…

Sex News, Reviews, and Interviews
Mistress Kara Chains, a wicked toy, and my naughty behind
The Mistress Manual review
Pixazza + Adsense for Porn & Adultworld
A review on 32″ curved Walnut and Maple Cane by Wycked Synsations with Sera Miles.
Sex Toy Review: ShowerBabe
Think of Your Sex Toy Chest Like a Golf Bag
Top Five Tuesday - Sports Edition

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Bijou - All woman
Nicole Scherzinger Sexy Maxim Photoshoot
Within Temptation -HNT
Womanizer (in sign language)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Admonishment Comes at a Heavy Price
Advertising: Sex, Commerce and Sexual Turn-Ons
Caveat, Qualifier, Disclaimer …
An Escort to Remember
HNT ~ Blood Makes Noise
Is Kink Oppressed? Is it Oppressed like ____?
Labels, identities, and asking

home.. and back to work

2009-04-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Sigh... vacation always go too quickly. We got home on Sunday morning... and spent that day and Monday busy getting things back in order.. getting groceries... and what not.. so not a whole lot of down time.

I went back to work today... which is a bummer. I really could have used another 2 or so days off to rest up from the trip.. but such is life. Time to get back to the grind stone. But I can bask in the glow of another great vacation. We had such a great time... I took like 700 pics... I'm kinda picture crazy. I know I was driving the kids nuts I'm sure... "hey.. go stand over there... and there!".

So yeah... I don't have a lot to talk about.. I do have a post in the back of my head... but I'm feeling kinda anxious.. and typing isn't really something I want to do right now... sooooooooooo that is for another time.

Just wanted to say a little something.. things should get back to normal around here now that I'm home.. which is a good and bad thing lol.

taking tired to a whole new level

2009-04-02T22:53:00.001-07:00

So we're over halfway through our trip.. tomorrow is our last day at Disney. If I had to pick a word to describe it... whirlwind. Its been go, go, go. We drop like flies when we get back to the rental house... I haven't been this exhausted in a really long time. BUT.... we've had so much fun... and I can honestly say that this has been a trip of a lifetime.

I am truly happy that we got to do this... its been a great time. There has been a few bumps (some grumpiness on everyone's part... a few rides breaking down... a bust on our beach day) but really... in the grand scheme of things.. its really no big deal.

I'm also very thankful that my niece and nephew came along.. because its been so nice having them around... not only because they are cool kids.. but because they've been good to help buffer some of our kids' excitement and such. I just know that this trip wouldn't have been as fun had they not been here.. and for that... I'm happy.

Tired.. but happy lol.

So yeah, there was no point to this post.. other than to check in... say hi... and blab. So yeah.... till another time...

just a quick one

2009-03-30T16:35:00.001-07:00

So we made it to Anaheim this afternoon... after a very long seventeen hour road trip with four kids. It was not nearly as bad as it sounds.. the kids were SO good... and we did not hear "are we there yet" once. That was very nice. Needless to say.. I only got like maybe two hours of sleep and so we're pretty tired.

I do have a bit of guilt for being here right now.. even though everyone has told me not to. I got a call about my sister when we were two hours away from the house. Apparently she had started hemorrhaging.. they think she got an infection. During her surgery I guess they took more than they needed for the biopsy... which they think caused the infection.

This morning I called to check on her... and turns out they had to do an emergency hysterectomy. She is very drugged up right now and has to stay in the hospital... but she should be just fine. I was told not to tell her kids... they all want to let the kids have a good vacation and not worry about something they can't do anything about. And so... I will keep quiet.. and hope they will not be upset with me for keeping it to myself as promised.

So that's that. We are here at the house we rented... kids are back in the pool.. cause its WARM! We'll be going to Disney tomorrow... so I'm sure this will most likely be the last post until I get back home (maybe).

Have a good week!

the ghosts of my past

2009-03-27T15:55:00.001-07:00

My father was a drunk.

As far back as I can remember... he drank... sometimes to excess... but certainly every single day of the end of his life.

Apparently... he was not always like this... my half brothers tell a story of a very different man. A man whom was the stand up type... someone you would look up to. A good family man... a preacher... and somewhere... somehow.. that all changed. No one has ever told me why... and perhaps... no one ever really knew why... except him. My Dad was tight lipped about all things in his past. Now that he is gone... all that is left is the questions... that will never have answers.

When I was born, my Dad was in his 50's already... his life more than half over. I'm not sure why he felt the need to have another child... perhaps I was an opps... I would not doubt that for a moment. I don't know if my parents married before or after the revelation of my impending birth... but either way... they married.

I remember being four. My Mom had went to the store to pick something up.. leaving me with him. He had been drinking... a poor choice in my opinion to leave a little girl with a drunken person.. parent or not. At the time my only friend was my very older cousin's dog. He and I went everywhere together.

Dad went into the house to go to the bathroom... leaving me outside. I, of course, wandered off into the woods following my "friend" into the depths of the swamp. I remember being knee deep in water... scared and crying because the dog had taken off faster than I could keep up... and so.. I was lost.

At some point I was found... and of course... punished. This my friends... is my earliest memories.. having my ass beat by my drunken father... because he was too gone to make sure I followed him into the house. Nice. Granted, I shouldn't have wandered off... but I was FOUR. I still hold a bit of resentment for that.... probably always will.

There are stories just like that littered throughout my childhood. When I became old enough to fight back... I did. My mother surely never stood up for me.. even when I was right. She just "wanted to stay out of it". It was not a very fun environment to grow up in to say the least.

I remember when he moved out of the house and into a camper trailer on our land.... how he would never work... and how he would spend hours laying in bed doing crosswords and smoking with lines of empty beer cans against the bed. In all of my memories... few are good ones of him.

This man drank till the day he died.. literally. He had drank for so many years of his life.. that he could not go a day without at least one drink... it was sad really... I couldn't help but feel sorry for him and resentful all in the same thought. I never really got why I deserved the father that was cut off from the world.. and why my brothers... had a Dad that was always there for them.

And now.. I'm an adult... shouldering the ghosts of my past... realizing the damage his drinking did in my life. How when Ben drinks... it upsets me... not because he's an ass... or hurts me.. quite the opposite.. he is a funny drinker. But subconsciously... I feel this... I don't know how to describe it... perhaps its bitterness... or maybe even fear. I know deep down that Ben is not going to be like my Dad.... he would never put me through having a drunk as a husband. However... I just hate when he drinks.. for no good reason. It is so far and few between.... and yet... it just eats me up inside. I'm fairly certain that is why I can only stomach one or two drinks now.... or why I was never really a partier.

It's amazing the scars we leave on our children.... it makes me fearful of the ones I will leave on mine. No matter how wonderful a parent.. there is bound to be something... some impression that you leave on them... that is not a good one. One thing is for sure... I will never have them live through the horrors of a drunken parent... no way.

road trip games

2009-03-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm researching road trip games for us to play to keep the kids occupied on top of the movies we're bringing.. and I stumbled across this beauty... enjoy!

my cracker

2009-03-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

It was night... we were showering to get ready for bed. We were joking around... playing. He taped me on my face gently and I pretended to be shocked.

"I'm not afraid of you hoopty", I said with a grin on my face.

"Do you even know what hoopty means?", he asked amused. I pondered it just for a moment.

"All right, then... I'm not afraid of you cracka", I giggled, "yep, that's right... you're my saltine cracker... just a little salty."

We joked a bit more and finished our shower in which he got out first... like usual. While he was still at the sink... I laughed to myself.

"Actually babe, you're not a saltine....you're a Ritz cracker."

"Why is that? Because I'm small and round?" he joked. (He isn't small and round in my opinion. He is short by guy standards.. but still taller than me... and has a little bit of a belly... but I see it as more of him to snuggle up to).

I laughed heartily... he truly cracks me up sometimes.

"No, I was thinking more along the lines of that you're sweet.", I smiled.

"Well, mine was funnier.", he smirked.